wouldnt miss it.

things i wouldnt miss in life. i reread the perks of being a wallflower, and as with most decent coming of age literature, it reminded me of things i forgot along the way. in one letter, bill warns charlie that some people use thought to not participate in life. i dont ever want the world in my mind to overcome the reality that i experience.

dinner tonight included a mix of american, irish, and english foods, matched with the appropriate accents. my uncle from Britain has stage 4 cancer in his liver. its sad and has been hard on our family because he and my aunt make up our only close extended family. though he is doing better, the possibility of this christmas being his last is still real. he currently sits at around 135 on a 6'1 frame. he's skeletal, but he's funny and he's ours. every holiday, he makes lamb and its incredible. between him and my dad, no christmas holiday is served without class. we took care of the meal this year and while we ate, i tried to actively listen and observe. mom and auntie gina doted over every morsel and recounted terrifying moments, while richie rolled his eyes and chuckled to himself. because english men do chuckle. the conversation went across him, and even though most of it revolved around him, it did not involve him.

and sometimes thats okay too. because were family, whatever that poor little 'f' word even means. ive realized again (as i will probably continue to do for the rest of my life) that ive got a pretty great family. messy, no doubt. great wounding misfits. but theyre mine and i love them. and if, by the time i die, i come to love half as well as any of them do, i will have lived a great life.

my mom is a nurse and a damn good one at that. she takes care of people well, and loves them when nobody else is paying attention. she lives out grace, and better than a lot of christians i know. a few months ago, my uncle was admitted to the emergency room and had to stay over night for more testing. turns out it was cancer. turbs out it was stage 4. he ended up staying a few days and while decisions and options frenzied themselves through the room, my uncle sat, listening. everything moved out in front of him, yet he could touch none of it. it was solely about him, yet none of it was his. my mom snuck out of the nursery to visit him, and ask what he wanted. he said a box of donuts. so my mom went to krispy kreme and bought him a half dozen of warm donuts.

when you find out cancer is involved, no one thinks of donuts. all you cam think about is why, or insurance, and thats only assuming youve gotten past the devastation. but my mom worked in pediatric oncology for a few years, so she thinks of things like donuts. because when its all out of your control, the best thing you can do is pacify for a second so the world stops moving for a second.

my mom asked him about treatments and check ups all night. richie spoke for himself a good bit too. my mom is rearranging her work schedule so she can take him to his chemo, instead of my aunt using up all her sick days.

my mom is really good at loving people. she's a good woman with a big heart. and if i end up loving half as well as she does, whether its family, friends, or by some act of God, a spouse, i can only hope i do as well as she does. love covers a multitude of sins. i dont know what faith means her life, or if it will ever mean what i want it to. it may never happen. but i know that i wouldnt be able to recognize the love of God, had it not been for my parents. weve all got kinks and thats fine, but i can boldly and confidently say, theyve loved me well.

show me what it means to be warm.

its nice to exist again. exams are done and my papers are finished. praise the Lord.