drew schwartz.

"One key to happiness is to see sorrow not as its opposite, but as its complement; in other words, sadness can improve happiness. Another, related and equally important is that feelings are only so important--try to have the patience to outlast your emotional reactions to things: we've all got them, and they tend to be rash. 

This can be really revealing, and in my experience, almost always a positive thing for both myself and the object of my desire/revulsion. Take a good look at the people you dislike, and they will probably share--and exhibit--your own flaws, or things you perceive to be (but may not actually be) weaknesses. This last is usually related to low self-esteem or an aversion to vulnerability. 

Lord knows this is true of me. It can be a painful and sometimes frightening process--for instance, realizing how much I was like my parents and how much damage they unwittingly inflicted was terrifying and agonizing--but I assure you, it is worthwhile. And a small gift is that equanimity makes maturity easier, friendships deeper, and life in general richer. 

And so, I give it to you."

my friends are brilliant.

post at the eye doctor.

im listening to the best of you by the foo fighters & i cant think of another song in the world that makes you feel any more invincible.

and its probably just because its honest.

summer is officially coming to an end and the school year is starting up. transition from camp to real life is always a pretty intense transition, but it became a little more distinct this time. i got home saturday night, sad to leave & fell into my bed exhausted. half a day later, i was broken up with.

it still sucks. the reasons were half hearted & in my glorious inability to feel, i said, yeah youre probably right, this is the best thing. delayed emotional responses. suck. and i walked through it all, found out more, and finally examined the red flags that i waded with through our relationship.

its not fun. hearts dont split without consequence, no matter how inevitable the result. i knew. he made up his mind long before he tried to tell me. and i watched it unfold in the nature of things broken apart. i watched lines fray & i saw the distance. things that break bear consequence. there wasnt any more could do, so i walked and watched.

 i know that when you enter a relationship
you are committing to a risk, accepting the  consequences, whatever they might be. sometimes it ends well, and sometimes it doesnt. i know that & accept it. but looking back hurt. i saw the signs. the end was ugly because i knew the moment where he was done. i wasnt convenient & he already moved on to someone new. bills were haphazardly left for me to deal with. none of it was mindful.

im moving along pretty well in it. im not some wounded dog on the side of the road and notdrinking myself into oblivion. im not attacking him with messages. its done. but i no longer champion the qualities in him that had potential. they arent there. maybe they will be one day, but they weren't while we dated. i dont have to champion everyones cause. 

sometimes thats life. sometimes you win & sometimes you stumble. its not a fun season. but in all of this, i am hopeful. im

letting my circumstance speak into my life & letting it mold a few things. im giving voice to my experience & im not running. im trying & walking. im not drinking, save very specific company & unbelievably motive checked intentions. ive got a few dents, and as bri said, maybe a scratch for good measure. but nothing that i cant bring out into the light. nothing that the Lord doesnt see, that God cant hear. im heard. my voice doest hit every note, but it hits my notes. ive got some more of my notes and i like that. 

life has it moments, but it also has its graces. ive got a lot of those. ive got good friends who look out for me & people who hear me, regardless of whether or not im saying anything out loud. there here in town & in other states. its is good to know that youre loved, but it is something wonderful to be able to feel it too. id even say better.