woof, its been a minute. but i know that once i start a sentence, there will be no shortage of words, useful perhaps, but more than likely not. it'll be a bunch of not-shocking rambling. again.
its mid/later october. where did these 2 months ago? it is madness to me. to be fair, i wished them away, and i only slightly regret it. but i made it through them, and that is victory enough. in the last 2 months, i have quit 2 of my 3 jobs, decided to go public about transferring, and started a new job. for about a week i only had 2 roommates, with all of the rent info in my name. but that got sorted. and i was working 7 days a week, hating my jobs, not sleeping, and praying for 15 minutes pinches of time to read for class. i dropped a class and my student bill double. i officiated my first ever memorial in the same week that my parents put my dog down. i used every time crunched survival card i had. i was mind stumblingly exhausted, but this time, i could feel all of it. and it was terrible.
and then october graced me with its presence. hallelujah, what a month. i now work for Fastenal & i literally sell nuts and bolts. every time a grizzly man walks in, sizes up my femininity, i work double to find what they're looking for. and I've gotten it right a few times. i finally started sleeping again, and now, i leave work happy. i see my people. i laugh with the TAs. i do morning prayer with matthew. I'm watching the 5th harry potter movie in a row with my roommates. (good life) i re-enrolled in a class and my professor gave me so much grace.
its october, thank God. this summer, i healed & i got my F back. i am a survival thinker, but i think the feelings are more honest. i cried 4 days in a row a couple weeks ago. and it was freedom. dr qualls & dr mcconnell let me cry in front of them, and with grace. i eat at the qualls house once a week now, and she sends me home with love and food. i sit at a table that is not my own, and i sit with a family, not by myself. refreshing. i traipsed angrily through august, and stumbled through september. on october 1st, after morning prayer, i saw a sunrise and remembered its grace. i held onto the rising with less desperation than i did as a junior. but i saw it like noah knew the rainbow; as a sign of God's hope and faithfulness. there is so much grace in the sunrise, in painting the world with a golden light. the metaphor of rising is good to me these days.
i have hope again and i laugh a bit more. i call friends, but not as often as id like. i don't write much, though id like to. i do end up sending off some letters, but not as many as i say i will.
i turned 25 a week ago. and i was ready for it. 25 is good already, and i feel like i have been in it more than a month. i invited folks to my house, said bring what you'd like to have, and we laughed & ate and sat around a fire. I've got good folks, always and forever. i am going to make it this semester, and i will enjoy the freedom of no school in the next. the reality is though, i am too tired and not saying anything, but i made myself write because if i don't make myself, i won't. so cheers and goodnight, and keep putting up a good fight.
