its only capitalized because i typed it in word. boo.

I think it’s the music im listening to again, but im thankful. That humanity is made up of resilient warriors, who wake up every day and stand up against gravity.

We played in Birmingham this weekend and I was fortunate enough to see a friend from high school, and another from the summer. My high school friend and I exchanged the cliffnotes of the last 4 years and it was beautiful. The reality of addictions and the victory of literally throwing them off the side of a mountain. What a privilege to be apart of each others lives. To know and to hold. We are stories, living and breathing, and sometimes loving.

Im still learning how to balance my time (lets keep a tally of how many times I say that..) and its getting better. I still play all the time and work too much, and BARELY squeeze my work in.. but its getting better. Spending time with good friends and creating space for good conversations. Colleen got it right. You have to create space for those things.

My friend from high school made a great point today about reflecting (senior status) on her life and reading her journals. The process by which we move through life is funny and orderly, but not predictable. She pointed out that though she knew she had grown, she didn’t realize how much until she really slowed down to look at things. Upon seeing the chasm, her next realization was the idea that she needed to be gentle with her younger self. What a great thought. How often do I sift through old journals and think to myself, no wonder this went wrong, or how could you have been so foolish? When in reality, my foolishness is merely my humanity sticking out. Sometimes, we are as dumb as we appear to be in retrospect. But a lot of times, we’re just young, and working ourselves out.  A lot of self-conditioned criticality (an unnecessary demand for perfection. Dumb) has benefitted me in the area of self-discipline, but sometimes I forget and forfeit the soothing gift of giving yourself grace. It was a simple conversation at O Henry’s in Alabama this morning, but how liberating. To breathe in your own skin and relax. To laugh at your youth instead of dig out some sort of lesson.

Ive wondered recently about the idea of trying to cross lines. How often do we challenge boundaries set ahead of us? We talk about inching up to the line to see how close we can get without crossing, but I wonder if a line is too concrete. I wonder if the mentality should be more about thresholds. I guess in some ways those are the same things, but threshold reminds me more of protection than presenting a challenge. Once your mind crosses certain thresholds, it stops giving you a choice and intervenes automatically, because you are either physically incapable, or because your body has decided that you made the wrong decision. I think about thresholds mostly as they relate to pain (esp physical) because that is the most readily available example in my life. My thresholds were crossed constantly because of the influence of voices I heard and the work of my own hands.  And my body shut down for it on several occasions. In some places I received praises for mental toughness, but the honest voices in my life pleaded with concern. I was hurting myself, convinced I could cross one more line and I would be okay. 3 years later, with scar tissue lattices across my abdomen, nerve damage, and a slue of adjustments, I can say that the threshold was crossed, and irreversibly so. I thought I was stepping over lines, to make myself stronger, when in reality, I was breaking my threshold over and over again until my body took things into its own hands and said no.

i guess these are the things you learn as you look at your life. i used to hate processes (your cue to laugh) but now i sort of get them. and i can enjoy them instead of resenting them. i think im finally getting to the place now where i can be gentle with other people in their processes instead of trying to make them speed up, or whatever other power i think i have. life is good and love is an ocean.

love is an ocean.

my (actual) favorite 't' word. thankful. still thankful. working out the other 't' word; trust.

classes have started and they actually make my life easier, which i find funny. i often sit between friends where certain looks can be exchanged and understood. ive been given the privilege of sharing deep conversations of the theological and soul baring genre. i started soccer bible study and have been playing volleyball. i got dinner with my mentor and ive had a chocolate chai latte every time ive gone to work. literally all of my favorite things.

the other day i was talking with some teammates and i mentioned something about portioning out meals to make sure its enough for another meal. the next time we ate together, one of my teammates asked if what she had was enough for a portion. i assumed she was making fun of me so i rolled my eyes. when we got up to leave, she handed me a to-go box, explaining that she wanted to make sure it was enough. you want to talk about being humbled? want to talk about being cared for? it really is about the people around you.

tonight we played north carolina a&t and we won, which was great. lets be real, we've needed W's for a while. but the best part was watching the team really get it. we stopped worrying about who was in, and deserving it, and all the bitterness that comes with that. we were all for each other. we became our own biggest fans. molly got to go in and she killed it. devin got to play and she did SO WELL. watching each player on the court succeed was unreal. i think thats what sports are supposed to be about. character building and learning to be for each other. becoming a better community for each other. looking out for each other. yesterday, i was running on total empty and i couldnt pass to save my life. multiple teammates sought me out to encourage and listen. we can be so powerful in each other's lives.

better love ive seen.

and in reality, ive experienced it too. sometimes when the weather changes, the only appropriate response is to listen to drew holcomb and the neighbors. something about their music makes sense for this time of the year. ive seen them in concert and its unreal. so much passion, so much thought, and so much love. thats what i want my life to be about. ive been listening to ellie holcombs magnolia ep all week and its good to my soul. so much of it is just reminding yourself of the goodness of the Lord. sitting still and resting your head on his shoulder. i smile like im old and weathered when i listen to their music. in some ways i am, but in other ways im young and goofy and restless. and thats good to remember. i am not old or young, i am both. seasoned and naive. both. i like this road. it is winding, like the ones that wrap their ways around my house. i am surrounded by good friends who come to my games, and who meet me for coffee in between those times. saturday night after my game, there will be a bonfire at my house and i cannot wait. i look forward to sharing laughs over a fire in a chilly night.

earlier, i knew that this year was going to be good, but that it would be rough. that is not the same as overwhelming, or destructive. it will still be a year of continuing my journey and learning to love jesus, myself and others. but it will have its moments. it already has in a couple places. my uncle has stage 4 colon cancer, and its sad. our family is a weird one. we're not close, but we're protective and grateful for each other. its my dad's brother in law. which means that out of my dad's family, he's the husband of my dad's only living relative for several thousand miles (the closest are in western canada and california) it is a sad thing, but a hopeful thing too. who knows. i dont. so in the meantime, it spurs me to pray, and reminds me to be thankful of whatever time i am allowed to participate in, because there is always uncertainty in what you will receive.

"i want you to live forever underneath the sky so blue"

faces are funny in sports action shots. love is an ocean. thank you ellie holcomb for reminding me.

laugh.

one time i played volleyball for gardner webb. are you laughing yet?

nothing much to say other than thanks. if you are in my life and feeding my soul with deep conversations, thank you. if you are asking me how i am doing, and reminding me to not just answer on automatic because im tired, thank you. if you are taking the time to make someone else's life easier, thank you. if you are trying, thank you. if you are learning to create boundaries that have gates instead of walls, thank you, cause its a long, worthy road. thank you. thats it. no requests, no more than this. my life is good and im thankful.