slow it down.

only 2 of you will think this is funny, cause ive been thinking it too.

life these days is fast and full. ben howard and the lumineers sing to me while i run from one thing to the next, inches from my overwhelmed threshold, but still on this side of the fence. if i could do one thing, it would be slow it down. to rest my arms and rest my legs. i dont get to feel the seasons much because the things that eat my time are all indoors. thats not necessarily a bad thing, but october is my favorite and i would hate to waste it.

my season has 12 more games in it. its still funny to me that i have a season. that i am on a team with a college name across my shirt. it is so fast. faster than anything ive lived before. or maybe it is just that my nerves are working properly and the chemicals that tell me what im feeling are actually in check and acknowledged. learning to live and feel and breathe. always. and thankful.

i talked to my friend logan last night and we have been working through the process of who we are. heritage and teaching and choices. all beautiful things, whether done well or not. it made me grateful for the influential people in my life. im not sure whether i realized how true this was until now. i said, "i think from my parents, i learned how to listen to others. from charlotte, i learned how to listen to God. and from sarah, i learned how to listen to myself". and i think that is fair. i have been marveling at how true those things are and how grateful i am for them. you must know all of them, lest you explode. fullness of that word meant.

i keep listening to ben howard and his words are soothingly haunting. he talks a lot about the ocean and about deep things and i am drawn to that. love is an ocean. it gives, it takes, it rips the shoreline and makes the sand soft under your cold feet. it nurses the edges of the world and rages against cliffs and crags. it begs sailors and thinkers alike. it is weathering, wounding, and funny enough, in its content, it is healing. and that is what i know to be true of love. in some seasons it rips you apart, pulls you away from the shore beyond the reach of loved ones, and yet somehow, if you let it, the rip tide will float you back to the beach, a little further down than when you started. love is an ocean. and i am caught in its waves.

i will be 23 next week, which is weird and funny but i feel it. today is the first day in almost a week where i woke up after 530, and when walking outside included sunlight. the first day i have had time to feel and stretch out. i feel the transition today. i feel the ocean inside me and around me. i feel my soul being worked over, and i feel it moving. i am not in undergrad. i am still in school, but it is different. i no longer put in work orders to fix my light, i walk to the store to buy a light, and i do it myself. macy doesnt come by and sweep the floor, i do that. and i dont put my dishes on the conveyor belt. in reality, i dont use dishes ever so i dont use them. beat you to it. but it is true. i dont meet with the world. i dont spend my free time chasing people. free time in this season is the anomaly. i do my own homework, and i make my own boundaries. some people have fallen out of my life, and they will stay there. some people will make it back. some people i will choose to follow. and some people are still here. heaven is a place we know heaven is the arms that hold us long before we go. ben howard says each word with care before he brings in us a chorus, reminding me that if youre there when the world comes to gather me in, i will be blessed. if anyone in my life is there when the world brings me home, i will be blessed, for i have known love and care that goes deeper than any trial i have and will ever face.

i have been blessed beyond blessings in love. by my family, friends, mentors, teammates, everything. in coffee shop conversations and couch ramblings and cross country car rides. intentional alliteration. i have always known love, though i have not always felt it, or been able to see it. i can look back on a majority of my time spent in college, and i can recollect warmth. i can still feel the care and the depth of love, and it is just a memory. i can see wounds and i can feel hurt, but the warmth overrides that, because i have known love. i read through proverbs 4 the other day and felt my soul move. "Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;  love her, and she will watch over you." and i love that. the idea of protecting those you love. and being protected. part of my identity reminds me that i was meant to be cared for sometimes. the world doesnt owe me, and i dont expect that. but i do accept that there is something tender in every person you meet, and that tenderness craves care. we were all meant to give in receive love. families, neighbors and enemies alike. intentional design.

i am thankful. i am calm, a little tired, and pretty happy. but mostly i am  thankful. and now that i am not chasing chaos or being consumed by expectations, i can say that and love it. 

cause you are dear to me yeah you are dear.