orange sky.

finally back at the webb after a visit from home. ive been flooded with love and overwhelmed in grace. my life has been funny, but ive been participating more instead of sitting back and observing. or something like it.

sweet songs rescue me from forgetting the good that surrounds me. im happy where i am. im dating a pretty great guy, which im thankful for. ive still got a job and most days, i like it. i went home and got just enough sun on my cheeks to remember where i came from. born of the sea, always and forever. my name means child of the sea, or harbor. its pretty cool cause dad is from ireland, mom is from long island, they met on a cruise ship and i was born at TGH, which is right on the water. the open water is good to me, and it has always been that way.

love is still an ocean. and flo was right, the arms of the ocean delivered me. when i went home, i saw the most profound sunset with my dad. i was his daughter, simple as that. the sky had every color in brilliant streaks. explosions in the sky. unreal. a few days later, i went surfing with a few old friends. it was so cold, but it was worth it. i caught one measly wave, but it redeemed every other face plant. its not bad to be thrown around by the waves sometimes. to remember to put your arms over your head and let the water take you. life is like that sometimes. you dont know which direction youre fighting against, so the best you can do is keep your hands up. its not a bad thing. not even a desperate place. but its a pretty good reminder that you're not always in control, and you cant always see the shore, even if youre headed that way. God is still funny.

i drove around with a friend last night for a good bit. all the way out into the sticks, as she put it. it was nice to because we both have been digging around in our bags, dredging them if you will. it was confession at its finest. sometimes i forget about that sacrament. i live pretty honest so i forget that there is a second step in that equation. but we confessed. recounted places where there were wounds, and equally, where we wounded ourselves. where we let doubts have the last word. trying to rewrite those lines. i want a good story. i talked to another friend when the sun was out. we spoke things in the light that took a long time to say. raised our fears to a place where someone else could speak into them. so much confession. so powerful. in a moment, she said, "but imagine how much grace you would be met with". and i my heart started to heal. some healing processes require time, and they hurt a little bit. i went to a basketball game afterwards and i couldnt even tell you who we played. i was in a place of healing, but so absent. and so thankful. confession is powerful. it is an inexplicable thing to be in a place where you know you are loved. to confess. to tend to the wounds of others. to speak truth into the heart of lies. its really powerful.

i just finished a week of intense class. even before that, i had been in the process of digging up old things, because honestly, im tired of living with them. i want them in the light and out of my life. then i got to class, where everything was reflection. im not sure i wrote down anything about the history of spirituality, but i was able to diagram the last few years of my life and where some of my patterns got their starts. for what thats worth. the night after the class ended, i drove to spartanburg and talked to a friend on the way there. its a simple revelation, but its a really nice feeling when someone wants to be your friend. when they have no reason to do so, but make it clear that they're being intentional about it. even states away. friendship is nice, especially when you've given your doubts free reign of your thoughts. its stupid, but sometimes when i get tired, its easier to let go of the leash. dumb. but life. after we talked, i found my beloved publix and i ate at the tacodog next door. i got to put a pen to paper and i was so grateful for it. sometimes the act of physically doing work that empties your heart a little bit is just really powerful.

im surrounded by really great people. they love me. and i believe them. im making an effort to not negate it or push it away. and im doing alright. ive got people who are working out life and trying to live healthy. there is a lot of encouragement. a lot of listening. a lot of frienship. ive got a lot. im trying to live as if the substance defines me, instead of the space. the edges instead of the holes. i live in a good place where i can find peace, where im learning to feel the Lord again. where im starting to listen more, and im starting to hear. its good to me.

my playlist now is hopeful. and some of it has to do with the words, but more of it is the way the songs lift and drop. the way you naturally inhale to the pauses and tones. music is a gift, as much as laughter is too.

"not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
saying nothing, thats enough for me".

saying nothing, thats enough for me.