i was so grateful.
this season of life has been rich on both sides. some running, some sitting, some resting. but always in great company. i have great friends from undergrad, and that lineage has continued. logan, bri and hannah are moving at some point in the next couple of months. i thought about it the other day and got so sad. and equally, was so happy. grateful that these people have moved deeply into my life and nestled their ways into my hearts. that my heart has healed enough to feel and to love. to connect with people i care for. and equally, who care for me. some of the time we spend it marked by conversation, and some of it is marked by silence. by sitting and being near, and in some cases, sleeping. its peaceful and it is filled with grace. there are these moments of stillness where i sit with the Lord and i say thanks. i see the spaces where there is now fullness, knowing it will soon be absence. and one day that absence will be adjusted, which is not the same as being filled. even if you fill a hole with cement, you still remember what was there, which means its never really gone. especially if you were around to see what once filled the hole. there are places in my life that are full. the community i live with fills them well, and tenderly at that. patiently.
i say the same things over and over. i repeat myself, sometimes because my memory is shoddy, but often times because i want to reinforce what is important. and to remember the things that i value, for better or worse. the Lord fills my life with grace through friendship. through other things too, in fairness, but mostly through good friends. through time and conversation. through love. im a typical ENFP, and i think everything in life is about relationships. the best life is a loved life. even upon definition, everything in the entire world is about relationships. how every object, concept, movement, stillness, etc interacts with something else. even an island is moved by the waves. even the stars are pulled by gravity. even the valleys get filled. nothing goes untouched. everything relates to something else. every person is moved, constantly. we are fluid and things change us, but we remain who we are. some things are for better and some things are not. we fill the space we are given. we are in constant contact with the world, no matter how much we might hate it. our brain just filters out the consciousness of it. but its still there. our bodies still interact and adjust, even if we don't acknowledge our environment. i wasnt awake for my surgeries, and yet my body responded, even weeks afterwards. even when you sleep, your body moves to find comfort, and to move away from what it doesnt want. at least in a physical sense. we live in constant tension. we stand up straight, in spite of gravity's strength pulling us down. equal and opposite reactions. we are always coming and going, even if we are sitting still, because times moves and we move within time. and the same is true for every person we meet, even those we will never know.
i have these amazing people in my life. they love me well, and i aspire to love them well in return. i am learning good love, good faith, the good fight. i am learning the good. i have seen the bad, and i will see it again. but to know good and to hold it while you walk through the bad is a new and beautiful thing. i know that i can walk into a room of friends and they will read me and know things without me needing to say them. i know that i can shoot a text and the appropriate response will come back. i know that i can talk to some of my friends, and respond with a full tank of gas. i think that is part of what it means to relate in love. not that everyone is responsible for the perfect response every time. but that sometimes, we do know what is best. what will love the most, and what will be received well. and to know that even if we miss it completely, it is not any less loving. there is grace in all of it.
there is something warm about being loved. warmth is a reminder of life. its been chilly recently and the coffee shop wasnt freezing, but it wasnt warm. one of my friends on the couch had cold feet, and i had extra socks with me. as silly as it is, those socks are really important to me. they are my warm socks, and often times they are called my 'jon myer' socks, because he rocks those salt and pepper bad boys like its his job. they are warm and well worn. but they are not important for those reasons. i cant remember if it was my 3rd or 4th surgery, but in either case, i was really upset. and sad. and cold in the hospital bed. i had gotten out of surgery and woken up with grief that sat on my chest like bricks. when you have surgery in your abdomen, moving is not a possibility. so physically and metaphorically, i could do nothing. ive got poor circulation, so my feet were really cold. the nurses put blankets on me to warm me up, but my feet were so cold. my mom sat in the room with me while she waited for me to feel okay enough to go home, which is all i wanted to do. she loved me well and was patient. she ached for me cause she loves me. she brought these warm socks with her, and put them on my feet, because i couldnt reach my own toes. i wore those socks for the next week while i stared at the ceiling asking the Lord, why? they are warm and loving. so as silly as it is, those socks are important. they were for warmth. it also gave us a good laugh because bri typically dresses well, being the trendy welsh nashvillian she is. the socks clashed, but it mattered not because they were warm. and often times, that is the most important. we are a motley crew, but we love well and are loved in return.
"cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers
the sand upon that place
darling ill grow weary happy still
with the just memory of your face
gracious goes the ghost of you
and i will never forget the plans and
silhouettes you drew here and
gracious goes the ghost of you
my dear."
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