this too i remembered.

i would write more, were it not for the long days.
but the longs days are many in this season. not to say they are bad, simply, at their ends, i can muster strength for a glass of wine, a laugh, and a collapse into bed. but typically the last one.

but this too i want to remember.
sometimes, all it takes to make things feel sacred is christmas lights hanging from your bedroom windows. just enough light to make shaving your legs in the dark bathroom manageable. because sometimes it is better to do things while forcing yourself to ask how it feels.

i walk barefoot some days just to feel the earth. i sit on my porch some nights, regardless of my exhaustion, just to feel the cold on my face. just to know my irish cheeks will turn red. just to be. just to feel. in hopes of knowing.

i got coffee with my professor the other day and i let her see me. i was seen. and i was not afraid. she was kind, and i shared. i did not give, but i shared. they are different some days. she was so kind and so wise and so willing. i did not share everything, nor did i need to. but she let me give her a context of me. i connected to the Better Good. i can look at my life and know its goodness. i can see it & perceive it. but sometimes i can't connect to it. sometimes i can, and when it is there, i am happy. but for many of the past days, i haven't been able to. and then i did. i connected to the Better Good. the Really Real. i connected. and i felt hopeful afterwards. i am motivated. i am trying. i am feeling grace again. i see my bags. i know where they are. some are getting unpacked again. but i can carry them a little better, because i am connected. "if we could do it on our own, we would". we are wired for connection, and designed for struggle. a good life holds the two in tension, and says, "come in. you can come in here. you are welcomed."

that is the better good. slowing down is nice. breathing is good. vulnerability leads to connection, and connection aids a whole array of ailments, both internal and external. love is the thing that says yes you can, and i will be here with little concern of the consequence.

so hip hip hooray to trying. as it was, as it is, and as it will be.