the last few weeks of life have been good. lots of thinking, for better or worse. mom is in town and we saw drew holcomb and the neighbors last night. the best. they sang magnolia and it was so good. to listen to, to remember, and to share with my mom.
the more i read and the more i look at life, the more im convinced that love and commitment are intertwined. not the same, but not mutually exclusive. commitment follows love immediately. or over a period of time. but you dont walk in love without walking in commitment too. in faithfulness.
i just came back from a night walk with a friend and we talked about the idea of reality. how a lot of it is perception and conditioning. constructing, or rather, grafting, and deconstructing and reconstructing. how counseling works because we learn to rewire. we learn to receive.
i have really amazing friends. superficial friends too. and i used to think that superficial friends werent worth having, because they werent real. thats bull. you need friends who will sit in the shallows with you and pass on a good joke when they see you, because you cant hand out deep stuff to everyone. i have deep friends who think way too much and get lost. i walked around with one of them tonight and it was sweet to my soul because the way we think is similar. and neither of us had to change anything about ourselves to hang out, we just got to laugh and share theories and ideas. ive got compassionate friends too. friends who look me in the eye when im crying at church, knowingly or not. friends who watch shark week with me and friends who LOVE titanic the way that i do. (i watched that movie on my period last week, literally cried and didnt know why.. i understood the next day. cheers) i never believed in seasonal friends, because that didnt seem like commitment to me. but ive learned differently. you need seasonal friends too, because that involves risk. and you need to risk sometimes. you may not be friends with that person later on, but you can thank God for who they were in the right season. the Lord has been good to me, giving me lots of seasonal friends, and so far, lots of forever ones too. who knows. when i think about grace in my life, i keep coming back to friends. to mercy. to love and forgiveness. and i well up with gratefulness because i can see it so easily in them. the Lord has given me so much. so many loving arms to walk through life with. willing hands to hold. people to live tenderly with me, people to be strong with.
honestly, when i pulled out my computer to type something out of the whirlwind of thoughts i had, nothing of this was there. but then i started to think of what i know to be true. the lord is good to me. he loves. im trying to be committed to him. im lousy at it. how im trying and prideful, but im trying. and im loved. and okay with who i am. nice of the lord to walk with me. intentional of him to seek me out and call me his. to graft me into his lineage and kingdom. 5 years later, it still blows my mind. the sweetness of his call.
i watched drew holcomb last night and drew talked about songs they were recording. he said they were important songs because they were with him during the night. the part of me that thinks ahead was waiting for him to explain which night. but the understanding part of me, the part that remembers life, knew exactly what he was talking about. people live in the night sometimes. ive been there. im in the sun now and loving it. laughing it all up. but the sun is sweet to me because i remember the night. and i can thank God for that too. because today i live in the light, and every day that i remember, it is a victory. maybe that is what it means to live in victory. to say that the kingdom is here and now and life. that it is freedom.
gosh this is long. the lord is good. that is all i know right now.
http://youtu.be/52XmiSPF388
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