week 2 kids.

life is the best. i have a playlist called sunrises and i love it and live it every morning. shake it out by florence and the machines and keep your head up by ben howard wake me up every morning and i smile as i remember all the cool things from the day before. the Lord is good to me still, even when im moving.


i just finished my 2nd week of camp and still love it as much as when i got here. we had national staff come (whom i call the gold tags) and it was cool. the references they made and the evaluations encouraged me to smooth out some details but also made me thankful. there have been teams in the past who have not had the level of community that ours does. i have been learning about the balance of investment and wisdom. well.. wisdom isnt the right word. basically, how do you invest in campers that are only here for a week, and outside of that, in your staff, who you end up living/working with for 7 weeks. this challenge is more fun than daunting because i do desire relationships even when camp ends. 


i spend my time laughing. and its honest. and i repeat myself all the time and forget a lot too, but i am thankful to laugh. we all went out to a lake together during our free time the other day and had a cookout. i was sitting next to katy, who i dont really know, and we pretended that we didnt see the spiders and their webbs. until the biggest one ran across the table next to my food. ive learned recently that when things are moving too fast, or something surprising happens, like, oh you know, a giant spider running around, i can only get one word out. praise the Lord that it was an appropriate word because katy is my boss hahaha. i jumped on her and for the next 5 minutes could not stop laughing. woke up the next morning, replayed the day before, and still couldnt stop laughing. that is what our team feels like all the time. goofy things and kinks and whoops-moments, but laughing to cover the distance. 


im currently sitting at a barnes and noble reading. READING. so fun. so nonexistent. im buying traveling mercies (cause i just got paid today, holla) this week in camp, i was reminded of mercy, grace and stillness. which is funny, because passport camp moves about 7 million miles an hour. i def have some pretty snug extrovert pants but if we're honest, ive got a decent introvert in me too. and when the introvert isnt appeased, my perspective gets a little tainted. the other night, i got a letter from one my campers. it was honest and real and i appreciated that so i prayed for him out on a bench while ben howard sang some songs. at the same time, i got a text from a friend telling me that she was tired of keeping secrets and that she was asking for help. 


so cool. leaving now, deuces!


I spent my time watching
the spaces that had grown between us
And I cut my mind on second best
the scars that come with the greeness
I gave my eyes to the boredom
still the seabed wouldn’t let me in
And I tried my best to embrace the darkness
in which I swim

Now walking back down this mountain
with the strength of a turning tide
The wind so soft at my skin
the sun so hot upon my side
Looking out at this happiness
I searched for between the sheets
Feeling blind, to realise
All I was searching for was me
Oh all i was searching for was me

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long
Keep your head up, keep your heart strong
Keep your mind set in your ways
Keep your heart strong

I saw a friend of mine the other day
And he told me that my eyes were gleaming
I said I’d been away
and he knew the depths I was meaning
It felt so good to see his face
the comfort invested in my soul
To feel the warmth of his smile
when he said ‘I’m happy to have you home’
Oh im happy to have you home

Keep your head up...

Because I’ll always remember you the same
Eyes like wildflowers with your demons of
change
May you find happiness there
May all your hopes turn out right

Kepp your head up...

Because I’ll always remember you the same
Eyes like wildflowers with your demons of
change

aint nothing like the real thing.

"You're dangerous 'cause you're honest 
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want 
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot 
For any spirit to haunt"

drew holcomb just released a new cd with covers and its called "through the night". when i slow down in my own life, i can appreciate the title and the season. here is to nights and sunrises. here is to hoping and clinging. but in addition, here is to hopefulness and laughing freely. he does not wait.

i have wondered recently about salvation and faith. what is the point of salvation? like really, step back and ask what Jesus is saving you from. as nice as heaven sounds, and as cool as the afterlife might be, im not sure thats it. i mean maybe thats there too, but the way Jesus walks around and does life implies something more immediate. something more here and now. like the kingdom of heaven. its not the future, its immediate. i used to think that Jesus saved us from ourselves (and he does, i still agree at some level) and i am definitely thankful for being rescued from the dominion of darkness and my own demons who wait for me in the night. i know there is grace there too. but i have wondered lately if it less about saving us from something and more about saving us into something. rescue implies moving away from something that causes you pain and putting distance between that thing and yourself. thats pretty healthy and reasonable. but i think the lord works deeper than that. i think salvation is about integration. becoming whole and complete. facing your life and knowing that your hands are responsible. that the demons that haunt you are in your own head most days. that you cant separate yourself and run like hell, cause thats stupid and you cant run from yourself. too revealing? maybs. who cares. i think the lord makes you take an honest look at your life, knowing that he is sitting next to you while you do so. i think he wants you to weep in the places that are wounded so he can heal. i think he wants you to yell in the places that are unjust, cause he hears that too, and he responds. i think he wants you to laugh where you've found freedom, knowing that its not about the environment youre in or the people youre with, but instead that something in your soul knows joys and laughter is the grace escaping your lips. it seems inconsistent with his character for him to put something in your life and just toss it when the time is up. my God doesnt waste. he stewards his resources well and puts everything to use. are we willing to join? only sometimes. 

running is easy and distance takes nothing. ceasing to feel pain is just a matter of disconnecting the right wires at the rights times. rewiring things. but in disconnecting wires, you lose feeling all together. in some seasons, that is the only option. and i get that. but there is something so dangerous and damaging about that. i dont live there anymore for the most part. but i have learned in this seasons where ive sought out character and integrity that God rarely wants me to disconnect. he wants me engaged, confused heart and all. ive had an incredible year. laughing, love, provision, healing, reconciliation, forgiveness and just grace after grace after grace. but i think it is time to face a few things in my life. and i am ready to do so. i have graduated college and it is time to face my years at the webb in sobriety, calling things by their right names, and acknowledging the effects of my life. the impacts of others, the messages i accepted and rejected. and im ready for that too. ive worked through a good portion of my life and its been pretty great. pretty damn hard too, but so good. ive got a few loose ends to work out and im looking forward to doing it, so i can move on and let go. let the dust settle where it needs to and wake with the sunrise. 

i ramble so much. but if im a fool, it makes you all the more, cause you read it ;-) jokes. who knows. do i have an audience? maybs. i am so thankful for my campers. i am learning so much and equally being reminded of things too. there is one guy named danny who came in quiet with side swept bangs and black converse. tonight at our dance party, he asked me if he could give me a hug and he smiled. all day today, you could see both of his eyes, and he laughed. and i loved it more than most things because it was a sweet reminder of the grace we get to be apart of. we're working on a house for the webbs. they live in a run down part of town but they love the lord deeper and longer than i can dream. mrs webb and i sat together on the porch today and talked. her soul is beautiful. shes 80 years old and she loves jesus. i mentioned that i was a hebrew student and she told me that she raised 3 jewish boys and she loved them like they were her own. mrs webb was like the women in the help. that blows my mind. i couldve sat on that porch with her all day and thought nothing of it. and maybe i will on saturday, or tomorrow when my campers leave.

all i know is that the lord loves and he asks us to remember. who we are, where were from, what weve done, what we believe, who we belong to, what our aspirations and hopes are, and that every person we come in contact is trying to figure out those things too. 

drew holcomb, you sing so well to  my soul. 

thankful thankful thankful.

honestly though, its almost crazy how thankful i am right now. first off, im def watching a documentary on sharks. so right there, we know its going to be a good night.


is catching up on the last month even relevant? nahh. but maybe it is, sweeter context. my life is still good. i have been all kinds of thankful, but i def had a tough week. came off of a weekend where life was less than restful, had my gps stolen, my radio ripped out, my wires cut, my dashboard messed up, and my car would randomly turn off. there is a degree to which i can run with it and be alright, but that point had passed. nothing was world ending, but it was the first SOLID week where i was annoyed. i dropped a good bit of cash on my car, and its still broken. i dont know whats wrong with it and i had to drive to macon for camp. the timing of all of this was the week before i left for summer camp. God's grace is good there too. the week i planned to use for rest before a high energy summer turned into a week of working extra (my bosses gma passed away unexpectedly), dropping a couple paychecks on my car to no improvement, and moving all of my stuff from one house to another. not so restful. all that to say, i still know the Lord is good. 


but the past week.. its absurd. i am so crazy thankful. im working for a youth camp that i never went to and its awesome. a lot of friends in high school told me i should go, but i paid for my own camps so it was passport or student life. student life won out. anyways, none of these people know me and already something feels like home. its extra cool because in the last few years, i have been very slow to trust and hesitant to let quick relationships take root. who knew that i would be like that, but thats where i am and have been this year, for better or worse. i am so thankful. thankful to work for a camp like passport where equality is encouraged, and where women can be in the pulpit. where God is not male or female and you cant throw around the term, "you guys". thankful to be at a camp where my director is well balanced and has a bunch of integrity that i can respect. thankful for being on a team filled with intentional people. with people like lily, who should seriously be on snl, and people like molly who might be the girliest person here, but who is definitely a total boss. thankful for life sharing conversations over chai tea and for kickball games at 11pm. we found a pile of snow (maybe ice?) and had a snowball fight. we all laughed and made fun of each other and it was so free. the laughter was easy and there was no script. everyone sat inside their own skin and for the last play of the game, we all ran around the base at the same time. before we went out, we prayed for camp as a team, which ive never done before. the closest ive been to ministry on a team is praying and communicating with my mentor in college. otherwise its always been independent, whether it was designed that way or not. maybe counseling was good for a few more things this year. 


in several conversations, i have been reminded of the blessing of community. working independently is not hard for me. being by myself yields little challenge. i am not afraid of being alone. i think from the last few years i have grown to fear intimate relationships again. or maybe i never fully understood them to begin with. maybe thats not appropriate to say in a public blog. then again rarely are things that i say or think appropriate. whatevs. anyways, community. community is a sweet thing. something i found this year in a lot of cool unplanned places. but i found it here too and that is what i am most thankful for. i sat down with my director and talked about how he doesnt have to worry about team chemistry with us. we're all a little weird but we work. everyone here is willing to laugh, but switch gears and do theology conversations too. we have fears and dreams and we laugh to loud sometimes. when we prayed tonight, it was sweet to my soul. sweet to talk to the Lord with a chorus of voices, not just my own. with hearts on strings and heads on knees. it was something beautiful that i had almost forgotten about. when i get frustrated or upset (or when i feel hurt, admittedly or not) i instantly isolate and draw away from relationships. so for the last week i was in the springs, i was withdrawn and tired. here i am welcomed in that. such a good reminder of the Lord's faithfulness. i used to think i could operate without a community. in some ways i can, but if i want to really live, i should love and be loved.


on an unrelated note, i am thankful that tomorrow is my day off. thankful for time to get away and think and process. i think there are a couple loose ends to tie up before the summer starts. it sounds dumb, but i want to write out all the places that feel unresolved, and i want to let them go, or let them heal. probs both for some things. if im honest, ive still got a couple heart wounds and its time to stop closing my eyes to them, because at this point, it would just be so i could say how good my year has been. and it still is. but being honest with my heart is always a good place to start. i think i am also going to write down the things that i actually believe. and to live them 0ut. its easy for me to live out of someones expectations and passions, but it seems like God already has someone for those jobs, so maybe i should get my own. anyways, its the best and im thankful.


reminded again that laughter is the thief of pain.