You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt"
drew holcomb just released a new cd with covers and its called "through the night". when i slow down in my own life, i can appreciate the title and the season. here is to nights and sunrises. here is to hoping and clinging. but in addition, here is to hopefulness and laughing freely. he does not wait.
i have wondered recently about salvation and faith. what is the point of salvation? like really, step back and ask what Jesus is saving you from. as nice as heaven sounds, and as cool as the afterlife might be, im not sure thats it. i mean maybe thats there too, but the way Jesus walks around and does life implies something more immediate. something more here and now. like the kingdom of heaven. its not the future, its immediate. i used to think that Jesus saved us from ourselves (and he does, i still agree at some level) and i am definitely thankful for being rescued from the dominion of darkness and my own demons who wait for me in the night. i know there is grace there too. but i have wondered lately if it less about saving us from something and more about saving us into something. rescue implies moving away from something that causes you pain and putting distance between that thing and yourself. thats pretty healthy and reasonable. but i think the lord works deeper than that. i think salvation is about integration. becoming whole and complete. facing your life and knowing that your hands are responsible. that the demons that haunt you are in your own head most days. that you cant separate yourself and run like hell, cause thats stupid and you cant run from yourself. too revealing? maybs. who cares. i think the lord makes you take an honest look at your life, knowing that he is sitting next to you while you do so. i think he wants you to weep in the places that are wounded so he can heal. i think he wants you to yell in the places that are unjust, cause he hears that too, and he responds. i think he wants you to laugh where you've found freedom, knowing that its not about the environment youre in or the people youre with, but instead that something in your soul knows joys and laughter is the grace escaping your lips. it seems inconsistent with his character for him to put something in your life and just toss it when the time is up. my God doesnt waste. he stewards his resources well and puts everything to use. are we willing to join? only sometimes.
running is easy and distance takes nothing. ceasing to feel pain is just a matter of disconnecting the right wires at the rights times. rewiring things. but in disconnecting wires, you lose feeling all together. in some seasons, that is the only option. and i get that. but there is something so dangerous and damaging about that. i dont live there anymore for the most part. but i have learned in this seasons where ive sought out character and integrity that God rarely wants me to disconnect. he wants me engaged, confused heart and all. ive had an incredible year. laughing, love, provision, healing, reconciliation, forgiveness and just grace after grace after grace. but i think it is time to face a few things in my life. and i am ready to do so. i have graduated college and it is time to face my years at the webb in sobriety, calling things by their right names, and acknowledging the effects of my life. the impacts of others, the messages i accepted and rejected. and im ready for that too. ive worked through a good portion of my life and its been pretty great. pretty damn hard too, but so good. ive got a few loose ends to work out and im looking forward to doing it, so i can move on and let go. let the dust settle where it needs to and wake with the sunrise.
i ramble so much. but if im a fool, it makes you all the more, cause you read it ;-) jokes. who knows. do i have an audience? maybs. i am so thankful for my campers. i am learning so much and equally being reminded of things too. there is one guy named danny who came in quiet with side swept bangs and black converse. tonight at our dance party, he asked me if he could give me a hug and he smiled. all day today, you could see both of his eyes, and he laughed. and i loved it more than most things because it was a sweet reminder of the grace we get to be apart of. we're working on a house for the webbs. they live in a run down part of town but they love the lord deeper and longer than i can dream. mrs webb and i sat together on the porch today and talked. her soul is beautiful. shes 80 years old and she loves jesus. i mentioned that i was a hebrew student and she told me that she raised 3 jewish boys and she loved them like they were her own. mrs webb was like the women in the help. that blows my mind. i couldve sat on that porch with her all day and thought nothing of it. and maybe i will on saturday, or tomorrow when my campers leave.
all i know is that the lord loves and he asks us to remember. who we are, where were from, what weve done, what we believe, who we belong to, what our aspirations and hopes are, and that every person we come in contact is trying to figure out those things too.
drew holcomb, you sing so well to my soul.
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