honestly though, its almost crazy how thankful i am right now. first off, im def watching a documentary on sharks. so right there, we know its going to be a good night.
is catching up on the last month even relevant? nahh. but maybe it is, sweeter context. my life is still good. i have been all kinds of thankful, but i def had a tough week. came off of a weekend where life was less than restful, had my gps stolen, my radio ripped out, my wires cut, my dashboard messed up, and my car would randomly turn off. there is a degree to which i can run with it and be alright, but that point had passed. nothing was world ending, but it was the first SOLID week where i was annoyed. i dropped a good bit of cash on my car, and its still broken. i dont know whats wrong with it and i had to drive to macon for camp. the timing of all of this was the week before i left for summer camp. God's grace is good there too. the week i planned to use for rest before a high energy summer turned into a week of working extra (my bosses gma passed away unexpectedly), dropping a couple paychecks on my car to no improvement, and moving all of my stuff from one house to another. not so restful. all that to say, i still know the Lord is good.
but the past week.. its absurd. i am so crazy thankful. im working for a youth camp that i never went to and its awesome. a lot of friends in high school told me i should go, but i paid for my own camps so it was passport or student life. student life won out. anyways, none of these people know me and already something feels like home. its extra cool because in the last few years, i have been very slow to trust and hesitant to let quick relationships take root. who knew that i would be like that, but thats where i am and have been this year, for better or worse. i am so thankful. thankful to work for a camp like passport where equality is encouraged, and where women can be in the pulpit. where God is not male or female and you cant throw around the term, "you guys". thankful to be at a camp where my director is well balanced and has a bunch of integrity that i can respect. thankful for being on a team filled with intentional people. with people like lily, who should seriously be on snl, and people like molly who might be the girliest person here, but who is definitely a total boss. thankful for life sharing conversations over chai tea and for kickball games at 11pm. we found a pile of snow (maybe ice?) and had a snowball fight. we all laughed and made fun of each other and it was so free. the laughter was easy and there was no script. everyone sat inside their own skin and for the last play of the game, we all ran around the base at the same time. before we went out, we prayed for camp as a team, which ive never done before. the closest ive been to ministry on a team is praying and communicating with my mentor in college. otherwise its always been independent, whether it was designed that way or not. maybe counseling was good for a few more things this year.
in several conversations, i have been reminded of the blessing of community. working independently is not hard for me. being by myself yields little challenge. i am not afraid of being alone. i think from the last few years i have grown to fear intimate relationships again. or maybe i never fully understood them to begin with. maybe thats not appropriate to say in a public blog. then again rarely are things that i say or think appropriate. whatevs. anyways, community. community is a sweet thing. something i found this year in a lot of cool unplanned places. but i found it here too and that is what i am most thankful for. i sat down with my director and talked about how he doesnt have to worry about team chemistry with us. we're all a little weird but we work. everyone here is willing to laugh, but switch gears and do theology conversations too. we have fears and dreams and we laugh to loud sometimes. when we prayed tonight, it was sweet to my soul. sweet to talk to the Lord with a chorus of voices, not just my own. with hearts on strings and heads on knees. it was something beautiful that i had almost forgotten about. when i get frustrated or upset (or when i feel hurt, admittedly or not) i instantly isolate and draw away from relationships. so for the last week i was in the springs, i was withdrawn and tired. here i am welcomed in that. such a good reminder of the Lord's faithfulness. i used to think i could operate without a community. in some ways i can, but if i want to really live, i should love and be loved.
on an unrelated note, i am thankful that tomorrow is my day off. thankful for time to get away and think and process. i think there are a couple loose ends to tie up before the summer starts. it sounds dumb, but i want to write out all the places that feel unresolved, and i want to let them go, or let them heal. probs both for some things. if im honest, ive still got a couple heart wounds and its time to stop closing my eyes to them, because at this point, it would just be so i could say how good my year has been. and it still is. but being honest with my heart is always a good place to start. i think i am also going to write down the things that i actually believe. and to live them 0ut. its easy for me to live out of someones expectations and passions, but it seems like God already has someone for those jobs, so maybe i should get my own. anyways, its the best and im thankful.
reminded again that laughter is the thief of pain.
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