maybe one day i will write a book.

i just filled out an application to grad school because i will be attending gardner webb in the fall and playing volleyball here. can i get a holla? but really, so excited and so thankful.


ive been living in the casa blanca and ive freakin loved it. so thankful for the stillness and ease of summer time in boiling springs. i love the emptiness because it lets the settlers settle. whether its into a comfortable chair, or settling debts, the stillness gives time and freedom to reconcile it all. and i love that.


i feel like the only thing ive posted about is how thankful i am, but i cant stop, you know? i love my housemates and am thankful for that provision. i have a place to live in the fall too, and it was literally within a week of looking. the Lord is good to provide in need and i am thankful. my time recently has consisted of a lot of porches, a few casual drinks between friends, and great conversations. it is a beautiful summer time.


ive graduated and finished my undergrad career. and no debt! that is my favorite part, because i had little to do with it. i am very underqualified in comparison to the same people who received my scholarship, but God is funny and chooses funny people for position. moses the mumbler to lead out the most famous event in jewish history. a blind man to mock the pharisees and be one of the first people to boldly proclaim who jesus is. a man on death row to be the first person in heaven after jesus. you've got to give it to him, God is a funny one. i think that is what i like about him. youve got nothing to offer, sort of. but it works. and you can do whatever you want to destroy things, but you cant change the sunrise. you cant make the sunset less beautiful, or the stars less bright. you can pitch a fit if you choose, and look like a fool for it. but thats youre choice, and God will move on without you if its what you really want. not in abandonment, but just choosing to not force you into things. i like that. gives me a sense of peace because i have little control, but a sense of responsibility too, because what i think counts for something in the eyes of my creator.


i work at the coffee shop and its a total dead zone. the shop has literally been empty for 2 hours. aka, im leaving right at 9pm. deuces kids. ive had a few great conversations with a couple great thinkers. i really do want to write a book one day. not a self-loathing one, though that would have been easy in a season of life. i dont want to write an autobiography either. i think id like to write a book on thoughts. maybe like donald miller, but clearly not as a deep. or maybe just as deep, i dont know. i think i associate a sort of magic with the books he writes, and im not sure i am magical. maybe i am. who knows. when i have conversations now, i have the freedom  to laugh in them, to know i am heard, and to listen. i dont have to analyze, or try and squeeze the humor out of something. maybe you get the newness of that feeling or maybe you are stuck. things can change, and thats really all i know.


my parents came up for graduation a couple weeks ago with my grandparents and my aunt. it was a lot of fun and i was so thankful. i love my family and theyre crazy, but theyre mine. a few things happened that were pretty unrelated to the weekend, and my parents made moves to protect me. they communicated with me and sought my opinion on a few things that were important. they spent time with me without my extended family and i loved it. i cried like a little baby when i dropped them off at the airport. winter break was tough and i told them i wasnt coming home any more and it was so hard. thats the closest ive come to weeping in a LONG time. but i knew it was the right decision. recently a friend said to me, "time is the friend of all who need healing". ive been finding crazy redemptive healing all year, but that wisdom made sense when i looked back on the weekend. i needed healing from some family stuff and from christmas break. and i found. good Lord, i found healing. and if you are broken, know that healing is there. for the most part its out of your control, but there are some moves you can make. when my parents were getting out the car, my dad put his sun glasses on and i knew he was going to cry. hes my dad and im a total daddies girl, no question. he got his stuff out and i looked at my mom and started crying when i hugged her. haha, im actually crying a little bit right now thinking about it. i cried because i just love them THAT much. which is crazy, and so beautiful. my mom said "you dont have to cry" and i lost it and said "i cant help it". and we all cried together, not because we were wounded or losing each other, but just because we love each other. i forgave my parents for places i felt hurt. they forgave me from running in that relationship. i trust my parents. if you know me, rejoice in that. i trust them to love me and have seen them do their best to mend and repair. and ive accepted it. they love me and theyve have sacrificed so much, and even now they make moves protect me. i believe that. there is so much healing that has been done. 


i talked to my friend candi last night and all we could do was rejoice. we have both been meeting with a counselor and so much has changed. literally, we both feel like new people. a whole new process. i work through life so differently and i am so thankful. i hope the people i love can see, but if they cant thats okay too. proverbs says that each heart knows its own bitterness, but no one else can share in its joy. and its true. the extend to which my heart feels love is beyond anything ive known before. sometimes i wonder if this is how it is supposed to be. the freedom to laugh or cry and not have it carry over and soak everything. to know that there are second chances every where and they are there if you are willing. you have control and you dont. you are promised nothing, outside of the fact you have some choices, that you will win some, lose some, and eventually, you will stop living. those are the only things you know for sure. the only sure fire package deals you get in being alive. its nice that it can be that simple. i know it can be more complicated than that, but it is reassuring that we can step back and see the simplicity soon. 


there is a song called the ocean by noah gundersen. the last lines of the song say,
"and i will some day come to my home and maybe one day i will reach the ocean".


i am here my friends, and the sand feels good on my toes. i feel older now, and hopefully wiser, but if nothing else i laugh more. i privileged in a million different areas and i aspire to be thankful in just as many one day. its nice to think deeply and be deep without it being a chaotic drowning. it is a diving into something new, and coming up for air when i need it, not when im out. this is new and good and i hope somewhere you find it too.