american dream.

thinking and loving and laughing. ben rector between my ears all day long.

ive been thinking about love recently and what it means and what it looks like. wondering how it feels. all that romantic crap that ive never wanted to wrap my head around. im still not sure that i do. but i do know the good lord is teaching me there. teaching me to be soft and okay and open. i wonder if loving someone means that you worry for them. for what their doing to themselves and what theyre feeling. maybe im wrong. i dont know. but i wonder sometimes. if thats what it means. that you want better for them and youre sad that they dont have it. maybe not just dating relationships but all of them. we are such funny beings and the way we relate to each other is absurd. i have great guy friends in my life and i wonder what the line. what moves someone out of the friend zone in my life? dunno. no tips here. not that anyone reads this anyways. but i do wonder.

i was thinking about talking with candi the other night. she used a phrase that i like. how life has "sanctifying afflictions". it means these things in life are definitely wounds but they weave something beautiful into our lives. i am thankful for the sanctifying afflictions in my life. that i was afflicted and that i learned and grew and know differently now.

i made a decision today that i probably shouldnt have. it ended up being okay and in a few ways, really good, but it made me think. just because things work out doesnt mean that its what God wanted you to do, it just means that his overwhelming grace is in that circumstance too. as much as the proof is in the pudding, sometimes it isnt. "deserve" is a loaded word. in some ways we get what we deserve, and in a lot of ways we dont. and maybe we'll never know if the scales weighed out. but i think it is very dangerous to say that just because something worked out, the lord willed it. doesnt seem to make sense in a lot of things. but what do i know. 22 years of rambling and asking questions.

so here is to life.

"this american dream is not what it seems
maybe we're still breathing but we're asleep
cause i wanna live until i die
dont let the devil bury me alive
when my heart stops
let me go home
dont let the suburbs
kill my heart and soul"