graduation station.

i graduated today. it was pretty awesome. short ceremony which was sweet and lots of smiling people. derek and i sat in the back of the auditorium and laughed cause we knew most of these people had debt and we didnt. total a-holes. but classy a-holes, nonetheless.

i spent a lot of time today with my mom and was thankful. so grateful to talk to her about life and hear stories about her childhood. i am my fathers child, holding dear the story of every person ive ever met and i am thankful for that too.

but my favorite was tonight. i said goodbye and drove home and saw the biggest sunset i think ive ever seen. it literally looked like a giant ball of fire because it was so hazy out. the pathetic picture i took on my phone literally did it no justice. it was incredible. you could see where the storm patches were, where the rain ended and where it began. it was amazing. came back and hung with drew ford. normally we tear each other up with volleyball, but we went to sonic instead and drove around to lake hauser and watched the storm light up the water. we started talking about jesus which is my favorite. sometimes i forget what a privilege it is to relate to God. i dont understand the trinity. i think its crazy and it doesnt make sense. but whatever. its still incredible. he pointed out that i use personal pronouns when i talk about God, and its true. i dont think that God is limited to gender, because he made male and female in "his" image, but for me, God as father is super important. i was reminded so much of grace in just talking to drew. i need to know that my God understands humanity. that he knows betrayal both from faulty leadership and from family/friends. he knows a lot and he has felt a lot. he is a stranger to nothing. maybe the circumstances werent the same and the culture either, but everything has its roots and im convinced jesus was familiar with all of them. and im so thankful for that. we have the chance to relate to God. isnt that insane? doesnt that blow your mind? that something so weak and pathetic and broken as humanity would have the chance to know the God who set everything in motion. how do we not fall on our faces all the time? poor posture. something.

there is a lot in the world that i dont know. but a few things i do. i had nothing to do with the stars in the sky. i have nothing to do with the sunrise when it shows its face every morning. i dont start hurricanes (other than the emotional chaos of my life, so glad that season is done..) and i am not as strong as a thunderstorm. no matter how stubborn i am, i cant outdo what God has done. life is too beautiful and too many things draw us in towards hope for it to be a happen chance math equation. that is just as illogical as jesus. and maybe that is the mystery of God. that from a purely logical proof-on-proof argument, both look absurd. the grace of God is that he lets us choose. i had seasons where i was on the other team, but i chose jesus and the walk has been so sweet.

while i drove into the firebomb sunset, i listened to some of the most perfect pensive songs, thankful that God gives me the capacity to think about him. one was mercy by drew holcomb and the neighbors. freaking phenomenal song. if you ever feel like God is being a jerk, listen to that song, reflect on grace/mercy and go bash your head against the wall when it makes sense again. cause really, thats your only option.

anyways.
there was a song called 'coming home' by clarensau. the girl has a haunting jazzy voice and its the bessssssst. but the lyrics were my favorite. because driving into the hazy orange giant, she sang,

"its like choosing between two flavors its like falling in love again its like wearing my heart on my sleeve its like trusting ill be able to leave after the mountains start to feel like home coming home, but leaving too"

bam. right there. im coming home, but im leaving too. im still in my not packed room, totally unmotivated. tomorrow i will find out what im doing in the fall, and im already antsy. i just want answers. oh thats weird, im pretty sure that phrase is only written a million times in my journals. weird. we cant escape ourselves so the best we can do is learn to live with ourselves, and laugh out the difference.

here is to laughing and new seasons in life.