"these are the things i think about when im alone without you i wonder of your whereabouts and hope like hell youre happy where you are"
that song is in my head a lot, especially when im in my think tank.
my heart is so full and beating a lot. it is good to be here though, to feel and feel so deeply. im thankful for it.
the last few days have been a different sort of spectrum, but most that i am thankful for. transitioning away from camp and back to what my life is moving towards. life or something like it. when i am less tired and my eyes can stay awake, i will actually write down the things i want to remember, but for now i am here in this place and that is enough for me.
camp is and is not real life. it is both and neither. maybe i will never know the line between the two, but i walk the fence often. molly and lily and i have been keeping in touch by being goofy and serious, short videos and long talks. im thankful for that too.
tonight i ate dinner with kelly and lauren and it was awesome. kelly is probably getting engaged before the year ends and lauren is married. relationships are funny things. we talked about all that stuff, and talked about shame and regret and called things by their right names. we talked about what made us who we are and where some of those things started. some of the stories had a ton of shame and embarrassment but they werent heavy in the same ways. we confessed together the things that we thought about and it was so beautiful. often when it comes to shame, we steward it awkwardly and do more damage than good when someone confesses to us. christa talks a lot about being a good bearer of someones story. i hope i do that well sometimes because i think its important. when we come together and confess, it can be so powerful and so worshipful. tonight we talked about how when it comes to sin, there are 3 responses. 1 is to be vague and skate around it, more so skating around something than admitting it, writing it off as something insignificant, when that is typically not the case. the 2nd is to make a joke of something, belittling what it actually is. the third is to call the thing for what it is and just admit it. the first two look like confession, but are just shoddy attempts to satisfy some obligation. they dont allow for healing and in most cases, we prevent the other person from actually speaking into our pain, and we forfeit the healing we could receive. grace is so deep and we miss it sometimes when we only wade in the shadows. my friend lauren is wise too and she said that we also forfeit our right to minister to each other, knowing that we are a royal priesthood. that thought is so powerful. we are meant to be priests for each other and to administer healing and forgiveness. even if we cant heal or forgive the entirety of something, we would do well to reflect on that.
i keep coming back to joy and thankfulness because i see it. God is good to me. my grace runs deep. it would be easy for me to pretend that i was invested and to give you the illusion that i am present. it is much harder to genuinely live there. this whole past year has been genuine and for that i am so thankful. but in that, the process of trusting has been hard too. fears and other things. but i am so thankful, because slowly but surely, i am trusting. trust. such a light thing but such a heavy thing. it is so foreign to me in some ways, but so familiar in others. it is such a weird process and i dont get it. old wounds die hard.
ramble.
nonsensical.
this is what i know. i have great old friends. i have great new friends, and young ones, and middle aged ones. great friends in every part of the process of life. sometimes i see God in the way we move through the process. i have a good friend who is new and who is wrestling like madness. beating fists and crying out. i have another old friend is who breaking free from the chains that have held her captive for so long. and to me, they are both so beautiful, because i know something of those processes. i know that they are hard and confusing, but that their other side is so sweet. that the grace of Christ's face, holding your hands, saying, "i know. i know it is hard. i know you are confused. i know you are hurting. i know YOU. and you will be okay", is so satisfying. the wrestling is hard. such a strong metaphor. in a fight, the closest you can get to someone is wrestling. you are literally face to face, and you can feel your "opponents" breath. you know the grooves of their body, weakness and strengths. you come out of the match knowing the other side better, regardless of whether you won or lost.
this whole post doesnt even make sense. but my heart is full and it needed to go somewhere cause i have to sleep tonight. God is good. i praise God so much for my friends, old and new, because in all of them and being reminded to trust and to be okay. it is SO hard, and so challenging to not run, but i am trying to give what i have in that.
so long and goodnight.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
youll be loved youll be loved like you never have known
life is sweet to me, maybe always, but especially in this season.
final week of camp and everything is fast as hell, but we are so loved. colleen burroughs has been hangin with us and its awesome. it quickly became clear why everyone loves her. met with my coordinator for evaluations and it was good. camp isnt real life so its been funny as far as people asking to be "real life friends". we are foolish and funny and the Lord loves us still. in my meeting katy asked what areas i needed growth in. in honesty, i said with genuinely trusting. i am human and that is still hard in seasons. it is good to be reminded of warmth and honesty. laughter is good and i love it the most, but simple moments are powerful too. after talking to katy, i processed a little and called my fears by name. in typical God fashion, the next mornings devotion was about confession. the reminder of conviction made its home in my head, resting while i worked through the garden. the irony and humor of God has me laughing always. my roommate molly is 7 shades more girly than i will ever be, but it is with her and lily that i am closest. what is life if not for laughter? after worship and pathetic attempts to scrounge for food, molly and i decided to get something from sonic. conversations with molly are some of my faves. we started to roll up to school and decided to keep driving instead. sweet to my soul. we shared life and stories and fears. it was cool cause i didnt start the conversation and that felt nice for once. word vomits spilled out as our confessions were caught in the mini van. so beautiful. what shouldve been a 15 minute drive ended sometime around 1am. and if you know me, now is your cue to smile and laugh because you know thats my favorite sort of night.
for as bold as some of you seem to think i am, ive got a backpack with a few fears in it. a couple of em show up in friendships, and unfortunately, their roots are deep from years of growth and their ends are well hidden. the tools i have arent quite enough yet. fears that friends will hear of my life and abandon me. that i am unworthy. inescapable humanity. these are a couple of my demons and most days i dont have to deal with them because the Lord has given me grace and healing. but sometimes they return. last night/this morning was a good reminder that though they cling, they dont have to dictate my life. so molly and i waded through some of each others messes and it was good. to be known and near.
in my downtime at the airport i will write a million things that i learned this summer, but for now all i know is that it is well with my soul.
2 songs and food for thought.
"we are crooked souls trying to stand up
straight dry eyes in the pouring rain
the shadow proves the sunshine"
and
"hey unfaithful i will teach you to be stronger to be stronger hey ungraceful i will teach you to forgive one another hey unloving i will love you"
sweet to my soul, over and over again.
final week of camp and everything is fast as hell, but we are so loved. colleen burroughs has been hangin with us and its awesome. it quickly became clear why everyone loves her. met with my coordinator for evaluations and it was good. camp isnt real life so its been funny as far as people asking to be "real life friends". we are foolish and funny and the Lord loves us still. in my meeting katy asked what areas i needed growth in. in honesty, i said with genuinely trusting. i am human and that is still hard in seasons. it is good to be reminded of warmth and honesty. laughter is good and i love it the most, but simple moments are powerful too. after talking to katy, i processed a little and called my fears by name. in typical God fashion, the next mornings devotion was about confession. the reminder of conviction made its home in my head, resting while i worked through the garden. the irony and humor of God has me laughing always. my roommate molly is 7 shades more girly than i will ever be, but it is with her and lily that i am closest. what is life if not for laughter? after worship and pathetic attempts to scrounge for food, molly and i decided to get something from sonic. conversations with molly are some of my faves. we started to roll up to school and decided to keep driving instead. sweet to my soul. we shared life and stories and fears. it was cool cause i didnt start the conversation and that felt nice for once. word vomits spilled out as our confessions were caught in the mini van. so beautiful. what shouldve been a 15 minute drive ended sometime around 1am. and if you know me, now is your cue to smile and laugh because you know thats my favorite sort of night.
for as bold as some of you seem to think i am, ive got a backpack with a few fears in it. a couple of em show up in friendships, and unfortunately, their roots are deep from years of growth and their ends are well hidden. the tools i have arent quite enough yet. fears that friends will hear of my life and abandon me. that i am unworthy. inescapable humanity. these are a couple of my demons and most days i dont have to deal with them because the Lord has given me grace and healing. but sometimes they return. last night/this morning was a good reminder that though they cling, they dont have to dictate my life. so molly and i waded through some of each others messes and it was good. to be known and near.
in my downtime at the airport i will write a million things that i learned this summer, but for now all i know is that it is well with my soul.
2 songs and food for thought.
"we are crooked souls trying to stand up
straight dry eyes in the pouring rain
the shadow proves the sunshine"
and
"hey unfaithful i will teach you to be stronger to be stronger hey ungraceful i will teach you to forgive one another hey unloving i will love you"
sweet to my soul, over and over again.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
cmon skinny love.
i get that its probably super unnecessary to post as much as i do, but who cares. i dont, and im the one writing. bam.
currently sitting on my porch waiting for this thunderstorm to roll through. i am realizing that it probably wont but the cracking thunder is enough to remind me that God is near. i really think that thunderstorms are more of my love language than quality time. my most intimate moment with God took place in the middle of one of the most insane storms ive ever seen. no coincidence. it reminds me that God is all about the process, every piece, every time. i will never be as strong as a thunderstorm. no matter how much i run, no matter how many pushups i do, no matter how much i work out. and anything i build with my hands can be destroyed by a storm. it is a humbling thought. maybe it should be terrifying but its not, i love it. i love knowing that i am not in control and that most of what i do will more than likely break down at some point. i am still responsible for the work of my hands, but with an understanding that the path of the world does not rest on my shoulders. praise God. literally. get it? haha, love bad jokes. forever and always.
still sick at camp which is a bummer, but Gods grace is so near and present and inescapable.
currently sitting on my porch waiting for this thunderstorm to roll through. i am realizing that it probably wont but the cracking thunder is enough to remind me that God is near. i really think that thunderstorms are more of my love language than quality time. my most intimate moment with God took place in the middle of one of the most insane storms ive ever seen. no coincidence. it reminds me that God is all about the process, every piece, every time. i will never be as strong as a thunderstorm. no matter how much i run, no matter how many pushups i do, no matter how much i work out. and anything i build with my hands can be destroyed by a storm. it is a humbling thought. maybe it should be terrifying but its not, i love it. i love knowing that i am not in control and that most of what i do will more than likely break down at some point. i am still responsible for the work of my hands, but with an understanding that the path of the world does not rest on my shoulders. praise God. literally. get it? haha, love bad jokes. forever and always.
still sick at camp which is a bummer, but Gods grace is so near and present and inescapable.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
atlas hands
i am convinced our Lord laughs often.
all of our campers left yesterday and many of us happily waved is week has been absurd. in all of that though, i think my favorite time of all was thursday night. to put it mildly, this whole week has been a show. thursday night during response time and worship, so many people let tears fall. hearts in the room were honest and it was awesome. sometimes, the best you can do in worship is cease singing. to let yourself fall into the chorus of voices and remember that it really is all about being parts of one body. i could sit in that for hours and never get bored. God is funny in the way he creates us. after worship finished we all met at the front like we normally do, but it was better than normal cause we all fell into each others arms. some people cried but we all loved and it was really beautiful to watch. we really are a community and we really would do just about anything for each other. as much as the week had challenge and hard and even painful for some people, it was such a beautiful picture of love.
in an old bible study, we were asked what wisdom truly is. my initial answer was that wisdom was knowing the right thing to do and doing it. while it might still be that, i think it is something more like a pair of glasses. i think wisdom is the ability to see a situation in the way that God sees it. sometimes i think that encompasses moving into action as well. in some cases i think it is just sitting though. watching things and being able to embrace the moment before you. thats how it felt the other night. all 17 of us ended up on one side of the room, squeezing into the tiny aisle that we chose for ourselves, climbing in and out of arms that felt like home. our videographer stays up super late on thursday nights so several of us sat around in the staff lounge and hung out till some crazy hour in the morning. and that too was beautiful. my favorite time to be with God is in those early morning hours. it is also the time i am most resentful of my inability to sleep, but on nights like thursday, ill totally take it. most of the room had filtered out so that the only people left were kyle (asleep like an accordian in the chair by the door), mary katherine on our makeshift sofa, daniel on the couch and molly stretched out across us both. everyone started feeling asleep and it was cool because we knew the kind of exhausting days that each person had. daniel eventually left and molly finished out the crowd by falling asleep. it was unquestionably my favorite moment. i think sleep is this crazy beautiful piece of grace that we miss. our body literally craves it and we turn into ahole zombies when we dont get enough. but we forget that there is so much peace in sleep. sometimes we have dreams that chase away and wake us up feeling frantic, but on the whole, sleep is a time to restore. to redeem and start over. i think about sleep a lot, mostly cause its not easy for me to find. but in thinking about it, i thank God so much more for it. if you dont feel safe, or at least comfortable in a room, you wont sleep. your mind is wired to protect you and it wont let it happen, so it amazes me that 17 people who have known each other for a month can fall asleep together. i accept all creeper associations for this, but watching someone fall asleep is one of the most beautiful things in the world. maybe i am destined to become a mom. who the hell knows? daniel left and everyone was asleep but molly and me. she had a shambles day with a lot of confusion and questions, so when her breathing changed the way it does when you finally let go, there was a sense of victory and an obvious showing of grace. we are so small when we sleep. so young and so peaceful. in our sleep, we forget that God gives it to us for grace. we could be like sharks who never sleep, or some seals who have to wrap themselves in seaweed so they dont float away. we could be left in oceans to sleep or in trees, or in caves, but were not. at least not here. we all fell asleep in warmth and quiet and found the peaceful place that all of us were looking for. lets give God credit for some of his intentionality. not only do we get sunrises and a new start every single day, but he gives us about 8 our to restore and recharge before that display of hope. like not only does he give us a new blank piece of paper, but he gives us a prompt 8 hours ahead and gives us ideas so we can start. what a phenomenal God.
switch gears. stewardship is probably one of my favorite words. not probably, it is. the more i study and invest in faith, the more convinced i am that God is crafty because it is both a confusing complex "answer" to life, but it is also enjoyably simple. i dont think God is keeping a tally of how many people we bring to himself, or how many houses we build in south america. i think those things are great but i think he just wants us to love our neighbor well and to use well what we've been given. all he asks is for us to steward well. all he asks. youll laugh at that if you think about it long enough. because it is so simple, and yet it is not. my friend lily keeps having campers with messy lives, and they confide in her and it is a heavy burden some nights. i thought about zippy and tia from sbp and how they were given the phrase, "stewards of pain". that thought has radically changed my outlook on things. lily is a great steward of pain. i do not believe it is an accident that she keeps having those campers in her group. i pray that in these last 2 weeks especially that i would steward well what ive been given. ive got phenomenal relationships with this community. we're already making new years plans and its awesome. i want to care for those relationships and garden well. i want to keep growing and living and loving.
i was talking to lily yesterday while reading my evaluations and she said i would make a good pastor or shepherd. and i felt pretty honored in that. i have a lot to learn for sure, and i have zero intentions of becoming a full time preacher, but it was encouraging cause ive thought about that a lot lately.
reminded that i want to steward well there. and everywhere else too. i heard this song somewhere and i love it. its dark and all that crap, but such is life and sometimes you spend the night there too. we are human, not much more, but still a little bit in between. a good reminder to hold on tightly to the light, and if you cant, to find a hand to hold in the meantime. this live is filled with so much grace, so i pray that we would find the right glasses so we can be invited into the world where graces are everywhere. it is much easier to say thanks when you can see it happening, not just the aftermath. cheers to you God, because you really are all about the process.
Well I knew
What I didn't want to know
And I saw
Where I didn't want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I'm gone...
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/lily-kershaw-as-it-seems-lyrics.html ]
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
all of our campers left yesterday and many of us happily waved is week has been absurd. in all of that though, i think my favorite time of all was thursday night. to put it mildly, this whole week has been a show. thursday night during response time and worship, so many people let tears fall. hearts in the room were honest and it was awesome. sometimes, the best you can do in worship is cease singing. to let yourself fall into the chorus of voices and remember that it really is all about being parts of one body. i could sit in that for hours and never get bored. God is funny in the way he creates us. after worship finished we all met at the front like we normally do, but it was better than normal cause we all fell into each others arms. some people cried but we all loved and it was really beautiful to watch. we really are a community and we really would do just about anything for each other. as much as the week had challenge and hard and even painful for some people, it was such a beautiful picture of love.
in an old bible study, we were asked what wisdom truly is. my initial answer was that wisdom was knowing the right thing to do and doing it. while it might still be that, i think it is something more like a pair of glasses. i think wisdom is the ability to see a situation in the way that God sees it. sometimes i think that encompasses moving into action as well. in some cases i think it is just sitting though. watching things and being able to embrace the moment before you. thats how it felt the other night. all 17 of us ended up on one side of the room, squeezing into the tiny aisle that we chose for ourselves, climbing in and out of arms that felt like home. our videographer stays up super late on thursday nights so several of us sat around in the staff lounge and hung out till some crazy hour in the morning. and that too was beautiful. my favorite time to be with God is in those early morning hours. it is also the time i am most resentful of my inability to sleep, but on nights like thursday, ill totally take it. most of the room had filtered out so that the only people left were kyle (asleep like an accordian in the chair by the door), mary katherine on our makeshift sofa, daniel on the couch and molly stretched out across us both. everyone started feeling asleep and it was cool because we knew the kind of exhausting days that each person had. daniel eventually left and molly finished out the crowd by falling asleep. it was unquestionably my favorite moment. i think sleep is this crazy beautiful piece of grace that we miss. our body literally craves it and we turn into ahole zombies when we dont get enough. but we forget that there is so much peace in sleep. sometimes we have dreams that chase away and wake us up feeling frantic, but on the whole, sleep is a time to restore. to redeem and start over. i think about sleep a lot, mostly cause its not easy for me to find. but in thinking about it, i thank God so much more for it. if you dont feel safe, or at least comfortable in a room, you wont sleep. your mind is wired to protect you and it wont let it happen, so it amazes me that 17 people who have known each other for a month can fall asleep together. i accept all creeper associations for this, but watching someone fall asleep is one of the most beautiful things in the world. maybe i am destined to become a mom. who the hell knows? daniel left and everyone was asleep but molly and me. she had a shambles day with a lot of confusion and questions, so when her breathing changed the way it does when you finally let go, there was a sense of victory and an obvious showing of grace. we are so small when we sleep. so young and so peaceful. in our sleep, we forget that God gives it to us for grace. we could be like sharks who never sleep, or some seals who have to wrap themselves in seaweed so they dont float away. we could be left in oceans to sleep or in trees, or in caves, but were not. at least not here. we all fell asleep in warmth and quiet and found the peaceful place that all of us were looking for. lets give God credit for some of his intentionality. not only do we get sunrises and a new start every single day, but he gives us about 8 our to restore and recharge before that display of hope. like not only does he give us a new blank piece of paper, but he gives us a prompt 8 hours ahead and gives us ideas so we can start. what a phenomenal God.
switch gears. stewardship is probably one of my favorite words. not probably, it is. the more i study and invest in faith, the more convinced i am that God is crafty because it is both a confusing complex "answer" to life, but it is also enjoyably simple. i dont think God is keeping a tally of how many people we bring to himself, or how many houses we build in south america. i think those things are great but i think he just wants us to love our neighbor well and to use well what we've been given. all he asks is for us to steward well. all he asks. youll laugh at that if you think about it long enough. because it is so simple, and yet it is not. my friend lily keeps having campers with messy lives, and they confide in her and it is a heavy burden some nights. i thought about zippy and tia from sbp and how they were given the phrase, "stewards of pain". that thought has radically changed my outlook on things. lily is a great steward of pain. i do not believe it is an accident that she keeps having those campers in her group. i pray that in these last 2 weeks especially that i would steward well what ive been given. ive got phenomenal relationships with this community. we're already making new years plans and its awesome. i want to care for those relationships and garden well. i want to keep growing and living and loving.
i was talking to lily yesterday while reading my evaluations and she said i would make a good pastor or shepherd. and i felt pretty honored in that. i have a lot to learn for sure, and i have zero intentions of becoming a full time preacher, but it was encouraging cause ive thought about that a lot lately.
reminded that i want to steward well there. and everywhere else too. i heard this song somewhere and i love it. its dark and all that crap, but such is life and sometimes you spend the night there too. we are human, not much more, but still a little bit in between. a good reminder to hold on tightly to the light, and if you cant, to find a hand to hold in the meantime. this live is filled with so much grace, so i pray that we would find the right glasses so we can be invited into the world where graces are everywhere. it is much easier to say thanks when you can see it happening, not just the aftermath. cheers to you God, because you really are all about the process.
Well I knew
What I didn't want to know
And I saw
Where I didn't want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I'm gone...
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/lily-kershaw-as-it-seems-lyrics.html ]
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
Friday, July 13, 2012
and its hard to dance with the devil on your back
i like to keep my issues drawn, its always darkest before the dawn.
may we proudly raise our glasses to weeks like this, and their close end. this week was full of very unexpected demands on our entire team. a lot of crying, but a lot of peace, and a lot of hugging and laughing and just loving each other well. we've all been tired, but the week has been covered in fog and well hidden potholes. in watching my friends cry, i have been reminded again of God and his constant presence. ive watched him move mountains and melt hearts. we really are the hands and feet of Christ. ive watched that a million times this week and ive been thankful every time.
and in that, it does not surprise me that my demons came out from their rafters. we have a running joke of brokenness within our team. and as i hugged and prayed and tried to love, i realized that the thing that will break will not be external. it will always be the monsters in my head that greet me with claws drawn. wrestling has been familiar territory without question, but it those quiet moments between sentences, we are sometimes reminded of our humanity. earlier this week i was reminded of what it felt like to be dark again. to know confusion and fear more than peace and wholeness. it seems silly, but i was thankful for that too. just to remember that my wires might be frayed, but they arent severed. in this long season of grace and peace, i have certainly cried a few times, but i have been unfamiliar with the night. but it was found again. sometimes, it takes just a simple thing to remind you of where you have been. where blood has been shed and healing hasnt had the last word. i forget sometimes because right now my life is sweet and flooded with grace. the cool part was the provision. perhaps that is always the cool part. some stories do not fit in a 7 week rotation and contexts cant be explained to new ears. the same night i found myself challenged, i got to hang out with kelly montgomery. i texted my close friends and asked for prayer, and from new friends, i asked for space. hanging with kelly was just good. it was nice to be with someone who knows me, someone who knows the faces that belong to my references and stories. we shared life and connected points that had previously remained dots. and things made sense. we woke up in the morning and shared more thoughts over breakfast. it was good to my soul. but sometimes, when things catch you off guard, it drains you and you cant do anything about it. and unfortunately, it wasnt something i was capable of explaining. and if it had been a hit from one direction, i could have taken a swing, but unfortunately, that wasnt the case either. the cool thing though? i couldnt have explained anything, even if someone had asked, but my team loved me anyways. everyone has been super intentional this week because we are all in weird places. this is all i know. the mess of life wrapped its strong hands around my neck and the people ive spent the last 4 weeks with responded by removing the fingers of haunting yesteryears. and for that i am so thankful.
last night at worship, molly hit the most soulful intentional freaking glorious notes ive ever heard her sing. and it was incredible. every day, weve come into the staff lounge with mess. some people have cried, some have yelled, and the lucky have cussed. but in the last 48 hours there has been so much peace for each of us. watching molly worship with her whole heart changed things. it tipped the scales and brought us all back home, because love will bring you home. tonight after the service, we all group hugged. some people were still crying, some praying, but there was so much peace. and that is the glory of community. you cant know until you do.
i kept coming up with clever lines and good writing to impress myself and my supposed audience but thats a bunch of crap. this week has been hard. it kicked me down in ways that prevented me from asking for help. maybe that will change, but im not sure. but Gods intentionality reminds me that my memory back drops came at a time where i couldnt not reach my inner circle in the ways i normally would. perhaps i will be brave. perhaps i will not. perhaps it is wise to walk around with my issues drawn. who knows. this i do know though. i love my team more than ive loved community in a while. thankful that the Lord gave me the BRCC summer group before i came here. that he gave me my soccer girls and good friends who return the favor. that he prepared my heart to be here. we would do well to remember that our demons are never far, that they merely sit in the rafters sometimes. the Lord is good and he protects. but sometimes we must face our demons with brave faces and fists. sometimes with open hands and gentleness too. and often times, in unfamiliar territories.
im listening to a song called as it seems by lily kershaw and its awesome.
its hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off.
may we proudly raise our glasses to weeks like this, and their close end. this week was full of very unexpected demands on our entire team. a lot of crying, but a lot of peace, and a lot of hugging and laughing and just loving each other well. we've all been tired, but the week has been covered in fog and well hidden potholes. in watching my friends cry, i have been reminded again of God and his constant presence. ive watched him move mountains and melt hearts. we really are the hands and feet of Christ. ive watched that a million times this week and ive been thankful every time.
and in that, it does not surprise me that my demons came out from their rafters. we have a running joke of brokenness within our team. and as i hugged and prayed and tried to love, i realized that the thing that will break will not be external. it will always be the monsters in my head that greet me with claws drawn. wrestling has been familiar territory without question, but it those quiet moments between sentences, we are sometimes reminded of our humanity. earlier this week i was reminded of what it felt like to be dark again. to know confusion and fear more than peace and wholeness. it seems silly, but i was thankful for that too. just to remember that my wires might be frayed, but they arent severed. in this long season of grace and peace, i have certainly cried a few times, but i have been unfamiliar with the night. but it was found again. sometimes, it takes just a simple thing to remind you of where you have been. where blood has been shed and healing hasnt had the last word. i forget sometimes because right now my life is sweet and flooded with grace. the cool part was the provision. perhaps that is always the cool part. some stories do not fit in a 7 week rotation and contexts cant be explained to new ears. the same night i found myself challenged, i got to hang out with kelly montgomery. i texted my close friends and asked for prayer, and from new friends, i asked for space. hanging with kelly was just good. it was nice to be with someone who knows me, someone who knows the faces that belong to my references and stories. we shared life and connected points that had previously remained dots. and things made sense. we woke up in the morning and shared more thoughts over breakfast. it was good to my soul. but sometimes, when things catch you off guard, it drains you and you cant do anything about it. and unfortunately, it wasnt something i was capable of explaining. and if it had been a hit from one direction, i could have taken a swing, but unfortunately, that wasnt the case either. the cool thing though? i couldnt have explained anything, even if someone had asked, but my team loved me anyways. everyone has been super intentional this week because we are all in weird places. this is all i know. the mess of life wrapped its strong hands around my neck and the people ive spent the last 4 weeks with responded by removing the fingers of haunting yesteryears. and for that i am so thankful.
last night at worship, molly hit the most soulful intentional freaking glorious notes ive ever heard her sing. and it was incredible. every day, weve come into the staff lounge with mess. some people have cried, some have yelled, and the lucky have cussed. but in the last 48 hours there has been so much peace for each of us. watching molly worship with her whole heart changed things. it tipped the scales and brought us all back home, because love will bring you home. tonight after the service, we all group hugged. some people were still crying, some praying, but there was so much peace. and that is the glory of community. you cant know until you do.
i kept coming up with clever lines and good writing to impress myself and my supposed audience but thats a bunch of crap. this week has been hard. it kicked me down in ways that prevented me from asking for help. maybe that will change, but im not sure. but Gods intentionality reminds me that my memory back drops came at a time where i couldnt not reach my inner circle in the ways i normally would. perhaps i will be brave. perhaps i will not. perhaps it is wise to walk around with my issues drawn. who knows. this i do know though. i love my team more than ive loved community in a while. thankful that the Lord gave me the BRCC summer group before i came here. that he gave me my soccer girls and good friends who return the favor. that he prepared my heart to be here. we would do well to remember that our demons are never far, that they merely sit in the rafters sometimes. the Lord is good and he protects. but sometimes we must face our demons with brave faces and fists. sometimes with open hands and gentleness too. and often times, in unfamiliar territories.
im listening to a song called as it seems by lily kershaw and its awesome.
its hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
drew holcomb.
"America and Tom Petty.
To me, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the epitome of American Rock N Roll. Starting out as a Gainesville FL bar band, they journeyed across American to LA where they became the standard in outdoor feel good summer loving American music. Their shows are a great big sing-a-long, where you hear hit after hit. "American Girl" "Don't Do Me Like That", "Even the Losers", "Runnin Down a Dream" are just a small sampling of my personal favorites. They are a band that sings of possibility. In 2008, Ellie and I went out to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Music Festival to see Radiohead, Wilco, Bon Iver, but most importantly, for my first Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers show. After an hour and half of epic rock n roll, Tom strapped on his 12 string, Mike Campbell put down his Les Paul and picked up a mandolin, and Benmont grabbed his accordion, and the rest of the band took a break. They quietly began "Learning to Fly" and even though I had heard the song a hundred times before, this was the first time I heard the words.
Some say life will beat you down, it'll break your heart and steal your crown,
But I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.
These lyrics are a truth bonanza, where the pain of disappointment is only overcome by the hope that you can try again. As he sang in front of 60,000 that night, Tom Petty understood that arrival is a myth and the journey is the point, no matter where it takes you." -drew holcomb.
yes please yes please.
To me, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the epitome of American Rock N Roll. Starting out as a Gainesville FL bar band, they journeyed across American to LA where they became the standard in outdoor feel good summer loving American music. Their shows are a great big sing-a-long, where you hear hit after hit. "American Girl" "Don't Do Me Like That", "Even the Losers", "Runnin Down a Dream" are just a small sampling of my personal favorites. They are a band that sings of possibility. In 2008, Ellie and I went out to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Music Festival to see Radiohead, Wilco, Bon Iver, but most importantly, for my first Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers show. After an hour and half of epic rock n roll, Tom strapped on his 12 string, Mike Campbell put down his Les Paul and picked up a mandolin, and Benmont grabbed his accordion, and the rest of the band took a break. They quietly began "Learning to Fly" and even though I had heard the song a hundred times before, this was the first time I heard the words.
Some say life will beat you down, it'll break your heart and steal your crown,
But I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.
These lyrics are a truth bonanza, where the pain of disappointment is only overcome by the hope that you can try again. As he sang in front of 60,000 that night, Tom Petty understood that arrival is a myth and the journey is the point, no matter where it takes you." -drew holcomb.
yes please yes please.
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