atlas hands

i am convinced our Lord laughs often.


all of our campers left yesterday and many of us happily waved is week has been absurd. in all of that though, i think my favorite time of all was thursday night. to put it mildly, this whole week has been a show. thursday night during response time and worship, so many people let tears fall. hearts in the room were honest and it was awesome. sometimes, the best you can do in worship is cease singing. to let yourself fall into the chorus of voices and remember that it really is all about being parts of one body. i could sit in that for hours and never get bored. God is funny in the way he creates us. after worship finished we all met at the front like we normally do, but it was better than normal cause we all fell into each others arms. some people cried but we all loved and it was really beautiful to watch. we really are a community and we really would do just about anything for each other. as much as the week had challenge and hard and even painful for some people, it was such a beautiful picture of love.


in an old bible study, we were asked what wisdom truly is. my initial answer was that wisdom was knowing the right thing to do and doing it. while it might still be that, i think it is something more like a pair of glasses. i think wisdom is the ability to see a situation in the way that God sees it. sometimes i think that encompasses moving into action as well. in some cases i think it is just sitting though. watching things and being able to embrace the moment before you. thats how it felt the other night. all 17 of us ended up on one side of the room, squeezing into the tiny aisle that we chose for ourselves, climbing in and out of arms that felt like home. our videographer stays up super late on thursday nights so several of us sat around in the staff lounge and hung out till some crazy hour in the morning. and that too was beautiful. my favorite time to be with God is in those early morning hours. it is also the time i am most resentful of my inability to sleep, but on nights like thursday, ill totally take it. most of the room had filtered out so that the only people left were kyle (asleep like an accordian in the chair by the door), mary katherine on our makeshift sofa, daniel on the couch and molly stretched out across us both. everyone started feeling asleep and it was cool because we knew the kind of exhausting days that each person had. daniel eventually left and molly finished out the crowd by falling asleep. it was unquestionably my favorite moment. i think sleep is this crazy beautiful piece of grace that we miss. our body literally craves it and we turn into ahole zombies when we dont get enough. but we forget that there is so much peace in sleep. sometimes we have dreams that chase away and wake us up feeling frantic, but on the whole, sleep is a time to restore. to redeem and start over. i think about sleep a lot, mostly cause its not easy for me to find. but in thinking about it, i thank God so much more for it. if you dont feel safe, or at least comfortable in a room, you wont sleep. your mind is wired to protect you and it wont let it happen, so it amazes me that 17 people who have known each other for a month can fall asleep together. i accept all creeper associations for this, but watching someone fall asleep is one of the most beautiful things in the world. maybe i am destined to become a mom. who the hell knows? daniel left and everyone was asleep but molly and me. she had a shambles day with a lot of confusion and questions, so when her breathing changed the way it does when you finally let go, there was a sense of victory and an obvious showing of grace. we are so small when we sleep. so young and so peaceful. in our sleep, we forget that God gives it to us for grace. we could be like sharks who never sleep, or some seals who have to wrap themselves in seaweed so they dont float away. we could be left in oceans to sleep or in trees, or in caves, but were not. at least not here. we all fell asleep in warmth and quiet and found the peaceful place that all of us were looking for. lets give God credit for some of his intentionality. not only do we get sunrises and a new start every single day, but he gives us about 8 our to restore and recharge before that display of hope. like not only does he give us a new blank piece of paper, but he gives us a prompt 8 hours ahead and gives us ideas so we can start. what a phenomenal God.


switch gears. stewardship is probably one of my favorite words. not probably, it is. the more i study and invest in faith, the more convinced i am that God is crafty because it is both a confusing complex "answer" to life, but it is also enjoyably simple. i dont think God is keeping a tally of how many people we bring to himself, or how many houses we build in south america. i think those things are great but i think he just wants us to love our neighbor well and to use well what we've been given. all he asks is for us to steward well. all he asks. youll laugh at that if you think about it long enough. because it is so simple, and yet it is not. my friend lily keeps having campers with messy lives, and they confide in her and it is a heavy burden some nights. i thought about zippy and tia from sbp and how they were given the phrase, "stewards of pain". that thought has radically changed my outlook on things. lily is a great steward of pain. i do not believe it is an accident that she keeps having those campers in her group. i pray that in these last 2 weeks especially that i would steward well what ive been given. ive got phenomenal relationships with this community. we're already making new years plans and its awesome.  i want to care for those relationships and garden well. i want to keep growing and living and loving. 


i was talking to lily yesterday while reading my evaluations and she said i would make a good pastor or shepherd. and i felt pretty honored in that. i have a lot to learn for sure, and i have zero intentions of becoming a full time preacher, but it was encouraging cause ive thought about that a lot lately. 


reminded that i want to steward well there. and everywhere else too. i heard this song somewhere and i love it. its dark and all that crap, but such is life and sometimes you spend the night there too. we are human, not much more, but still a little bit in between. a good reminder to hold on tightly to the light, and if you cant, to find a hand to hold in the meantime. this live is filled with so much grace, so i pray that we would find the right glasses so we can be invited into the world where graces are everywhere. it is much easier to say thanks when you can see it happening, not just the aftermath. cheers to you God, because you really are all about the process.


Well I knew
What I didn't want to know
And I saw
Where I didn't want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I'm gone... 

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone

Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems... 

As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/lily-kershaw-as-it-seems-lyrics.html ]
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall... 

In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall

Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems... 

As it seems
As it seems
As it seems