and its hard to dance with the devil on your back

i like to keep my issues drawn, its always darkest before the dawn.

may we proudly raise our glasses to weeks like this, and their close end. this week was full of very unexpected demands on our entire team. a lot of crying, but a lot of peace, and a lot of hugging and laughing and just loving each other well. we've all been tired, but the week has been covered in fog and well hidden potholes. in watching my friends cry, i have been reminded again of God and his constant presence. ive watched him move mountains and melt hearts. we really are the hands and feet of Christ. ive watched that a million times this week and ive been thankful every time.

and in that, it does not surprise me that my demons came out from their rafters. we have a running joke of brokenness within our team. and as i hugged and prayed and tried to love, i realized that the thing that will break will not be external. it will always be the monsters in my head that greet me with claws drawn. wrestling has been familiar territory without question, but it those quiet moments between sentences, we are sometimes reminded of our humanity. earlier this week i was reminded of what it felt like to be dark again. to know confusion and fear more than peace and wholeness. it seems silly, but i was thankful for that too. just to remember that my wires might be frayed, but they arent severed. in this long season of grace and peace, i have certainly cried a few times, but i have been unfamiliar with the night. but it was found again. sometimes, it takes just a simple thing to remind you of where you have been. where blood has been shed and healing hasnt had the last word. i forget sometimes because right now my life is sweet and flooded with grace. the cool part was the provision. perhaps that is always the cool part. some stories do not fit in a 7 week rotation and contexts cant be explained to new ears. the same night i found myself challenged, i got to hang out with kelly montgomery. i texted my close friends and asked for prayer, and from new friends, i asked for space. hanging with kelly was just good. it was nice to be with someone who knows me, someone who knows the faces that belong to my references and stories. we shared life and connected points that had previously remained dots. and things made sense. we woke up in the morning and shared more thoughts over breakfast. it was good to my soul. but sometimes, when things catch you off guard, it drains you and you cant do anything about it. and unfortunately, it wasnt something i was capable of explaining. and if it had been a hit from one direction, i could have taken a swing, but unfortunately, that wasnt the case either. the cool thing though? i couldnt have explained anything, even if someone had asked, but my team loved me anyways. everyone has been super intentional this week because we are all in weird places. this is all i know. the mess of life wrapped its strong hands around my neck and the people ive spent the last 4 weeks with responded by removing the fingers of haunting yesteryears. and for that i am so thankful.

last night at worship, molly hit the most soulful intentional freaking glorious notes ive ever heard her sing. and it was incredible. every day, weve come into the staff lounge with mess. some people have cried, some have yelled, and the lucky have cussed. but in the last 48 hours there has been so much peace for each of us. watching molly worship with her whole heart changed things. it tipped the scales and brought us all back home, because love will bring you home. tonight after the service, we all group hugged. some people were still crying, some praying, but there was so much peace. and that is the glory of community. you cant know until you do.

i kept coming up with clever lines and good writing to impress myself and my supposed audience but thats a bunch of crap. this week has been hard. it kicked me down in ways that prevented me from asking for help. maybe that will change, but im not sure. but Gods intentionality reminds me that my memory back drops came at a time where i couldnt not reach my inner circle in the ways i normally would. perhaps i will be brave. perhaps i will not. perhaps it is wise to walk around with my issues drawn. who knows. this i do know though. i love my team more than ive loved community in a while. thankful that the Lord gave me the BRCC summer group before i came here. that he gave me my soccer girls and good friends who return the favor. that he prepared my heart to be here. we would do well to remember that our demons are never far, that they merely sit in the rafters sometimes. the Lord is good and he protects. but sometimes we must face our demons with brave faces and fists. sometimes with open hands and gentleness too. and often times, in unfamiliar territories.

 im listening to a song called as it seems by lily kershaw and its awesome.

its hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off.