traveling mercies

yep. anne lamott.


i feel like the learning and the grace and the mercy never ends. i guess they dont. we traveled this weekend. left mercer behind, left mrs webb and mr webb, left a house chipped then painted, left madison and cody on the volleyball courts at way-too-late hours. left macon georgia. such is life and seasons change. it was sweeter than i was ready for.


in the last week, i think ive hit walls, pillows, and a whole spectrum of emotions. which is good for me, cause sometimes i turn my heart off and keep going. good thing the Lord is all about breaking that habit. my car is being a tool. its still messed up and then my window fell through the door, the cord wrapped itself around the handle so you cant open the door, and when i took it in to get it looked at, he said it would take 2 hours at least and 495$. good thing that all of this is 2 days before i leave it in macon for a whole month. clearly, i was pissed. my parents gave grace though and gave it deep. they drove up from tampa as soon as they got off of work and picked up my car. i am continuously reminded of how much grace they give me. constantly bombarded by forgiveness and just really good love. the Lord mends hearts and homes. ive watched it. and maybe yours isnt mended yet, but i pray that you find it.


 i came back to camp and was angry, which i havent been in a hot minute. prayed and asked God to point me to its source and found it. most of the things that get us fired up are just echoes of old wounds. and we would do well to ask before we cuss, but like everyone else in the world, im just not that wise and self-controlled yet. i like cuss words a lot, so maybe ill never be that way. but we can dream right? so i came back and my director let me go back to my room and it was great. packed and showered and had time to process. time to call out some of my old wounds by name and bury them in their rightful graves. and it was so liberating. sometimes i think we work so much and are so tired that we dont notices things baring their weight on us. i eventually laid on my floor and prayed and closed my eyes. i swear to you i could feel jesus sitting next to me the whole time. and the weight that i hadnt noticed was lifted. those are the moments i savor. i have a lot of trouble sleeping and honestly, naps are more just me closing my eyes and finding rest in my mind. normally, that makes me frustrated because people have been sleeping and napping since birth, so why cant i get it right? but in those moments, where my soul is healed and the Lord is near, i am thankful for my inability to sleep. i am thankful that i can savor the time and embrace it consciously, not sleeping through such a beautiful moment. i didnt even realize that i had anxiety sitting on my shoulders, but after that it was gone and i was soft again. strong but definitely soft. 


after work, my parents drove up. instead of seeing a movie, i hung out with molly and lily. we had some awesome girl time, talking about boys and life and sharing stuff. it was good to my soul, to live and laugh and trust, and then laugh some more. theyre so goofy and i am so thankful to know both of them. my parents got there and we ate at applebees. we were the only white people in the whole place and got mad stares when we walked in. i loved it. i am such nerd and love that sort of thing. its like high school all over again. my friend manuela and i made a challenge for ourselves to sit at a new table at least once every week, preferably of a different demographic. if they said no, that was fine, but if they didnt we would get to know people. one of the best things ive ever done. it was good to talk to my parents and share life. to be 22 and have a loving daughter relationship with them. if you know my context, you know the sweetness of that. we laughed over a few things and talked about graduation weekend. caught my dads eye one good time and remembered that im his daughter. laughed with my mom and knew i was hers too. and sometimes thats just sweet. it is good to call things by their right names. i am excited and nervous to go home. more so excited though. fell asleep soft and smiling, and that is the best kind. 


they came to meet me before i left and met some folks. theyre the kind of parents you can brag about. got in the vans and started our 8 hour drive. initially, i was annoyed and tired and not responding well to my circumstances. then things changed and i passed out on the floor in the back. daniel hamby and kyle alexander and i all fell asleep, head phones in and speakers empty in the back. i loved the time to process and be still. my heart is doing funny things and its nice and i look forward to sorting it. but not right now. i already texted april and requested hang time haha. but it was good to travel. something about that sort of movement is good for my soul. my introvert was well fed and rested. i look forward to flying home at the end. got in and unloaded everything in like no time. freaking awesome. katy came with her husband adam. its cool cause even when he wasnt here, it was obvious that she loved him. marriage always amazes me a little bit. 2 people got together, saw something good, dealt with crap and each others messiness, and said, you know, youre still alright, lets do this for as long as were here. and thats cool to me. emily and chris are a great married couple too. i like seeing couples who are married, but not clingy or obnoxiously touchy. but when you see them together, its obvious that they love each other.


im reading traveling mercies by anne lamott and its great. but its dinner time now, so ill finish this later maybe.


im happy to have you home.