once upon a time.

my life is a funny catastrophe, and im finally invested in the joke.

i never write, i read sometimes, and in between i go to class work and volleyball. it never slows down. ever.

almost done with volleyball which is crazy to me. but im grateful. my body has been freaking out recently and it concerns me, but there are few things i can do, so i jokingly call my "treatment plan" an ice diaper. yes, laugh. my birthday was last week and im officially 23, when nobody likes you. its a song. i dont think anyone cares how old you are.

anyways. i had a bonfire and it was fun. old friends and new, jesus folk and not, everyone laughing like the world wasnt spinning a million miles an hour. like we werent all making it through college, mindlessly wandering. because sometimes we are and sometimes we arent. for my birthday, i bought myself a session with my counselor. i dont make too many good decisions, but that was definitely one of them. talked about fear and disconnected wires, cause ive been unplugging all over the place. i detach my wires so i can be functional and emotionless enough to do a job, and i push the box further away from my life, until i dont remember. but then my boxes become roots that i didnt see and i trip and stumble, and wonder why. but its not really wondering, its just sobering up.

 recently, the advice ive given is for people to be brave. the only analogy i can come up with is putting on an old pair of jeans that you loved once, but you're not totally convinced they fit anymore. you've got two options: to put them back in the closet, or to do the dance of every girl who has ever played soccer and try to force them to a manageable position. here is to making pacts and trying to not back down. dance away my friend. God is funny in my life. it is never a question of whether he is involved, it is always a question of what he is doing. and typically, that gets cleared up quickly too. i have a goal this year to accomplish 10 brave things by the time the school year is over. some of them i know, some of them will arise later. most of them dont mean anything to anyone else, but they mean a lot to me. and of course, all of them carry a good deal of anxiety and fear. i always swore i would never let fear lead my life, but sometimes starting over from scratch will do that to you. this is the part where i begin to work away and become something courageous. not in an ignorantly fearful way, but just in a way where i am choosing to be vulnerable and choosing to trust. mostly people, but sometimes outcomes too. i want to be brave again. but differently this time. and that has been my week. i asked my coach for help with meals because im scraping by on paychecks and short hours. i sent an email to someone i love more than most, but am so cautious of. i cried, because something bothered me. because i can name things now, and not be plagued. because i know that things will continue to haunt you until you acknowledge that they are in fact haunting you. call things by their right name. i let people celebrate me on my birthday. i accepted it and embraced it. i told some of my college sports story, without hellish bitterness and scathing sarcasm. i talked to God boldly again. and he answered. i came up for air a little bit. sometimes wriggling back into those pants is a worthy endeavor. sometimes, its just for how goofy you look, because they really dont fit, but sometimes, like now, its about finally getting them over the legs that have lifted for the last 3 months, because they are still youre favorite jeans.

all the time learn.

im reading the philip pullman series and i love them. i thought to myself, hmm, light reading. psych. there is a scene of absolute tenderness and love, and despite my unplugging and frayed wires, there is something in my heart that registers with that, and all of its intimate warmth. i read through the scene and literally put the book down because my heart was moved and i was flooded with multiple memories of that very feeling, where i was desperately and decidedly loved. by parents, biological and otherwise, by sisters, by friends. at the end of my junior year, when i was finally emotionally sober and not crazy, i prayed to God one day. i finally faced him honestly and i said okay. i had tried to reattach all the things that i had fallen apart in my life, by good will, prayer and work. by willingness and trying again. my efforts amounted to more insanity and more mess. i know i reference that season a lot, but it was so defining and so transformative. it is one of the most monumental shifts that i have access to in my grand 23 years of life. but as i prayed, i asked God for one word. i didnt know what it would be because i only heard silence for so long. i just wanted one so i could hold onto something simple. no sentence, no direction, no promise. just one word. i sat in silence, as open and empty as ive ever been and i waited. and i got my word.

"precious". 

i had a wise tender voice in my life call me precious once. in a previous season of piecing together my story and inviting someone into my life, i named my fears, not realizing how many of them were tendrils reaching out of a deeper question. who was i and did i matter? these were the questions that i couldnt answer because i didnt know how to ask, and if im honest, didnt want to. it was as if realizing the answer scared me so much that i would prefer to not know. because if i did matter, then the previous seasons of my life were no longer coherent because they could no longer make sense. in biblical studies, this is called a theodicy. of sorts. usually, it is an issue on a bigger scale, but we are human, so we must ask ourselves the same thing. but in either case, in a tender season of confession and fears, she told me that i was precious and worthy of love. and for the first time in twenty years, i believed the person who said it to me. what a wild thought. this would be one of many truths that i was told, only to believe them at a later time. so funny to me, that as i prayed, removed from everyone else in my life who mightve had a chance at words, i found one so dear and so close. i asked again. again God gave me "precious". this whole story is pointless for you, but important to me. recently, God has brought it up again. do i know that i am considered precious? that the Lord calls me dear, and means it? do i live like Jesus gives a shit about my life. i have tried to reword that sentence so many times, without using cusswords, and none of them can deliver the same intensity. jesus does care. i am dear. i can see a couple places where i live in fear instead of light, because i started to question some of my worth again. thats dumb. i spent a lot of energy and a lot of trust in relearning the truth about my own worth. no use in backsliding.

 i bring all this up because i am trying to be brave again. or a better kind of brave. i want to say that i was never brave and that all i ever did was foolish, but thats taking credit for the work God has done in my life. i can live in courage. its hard. and vulnerable and it makes me more uncomfortable than it ever has before. but ive also seen enough fruit in my life to know that it is valuable. loving is hard. it means putting yourself in a position to be hurt, knowing that it can and, if youre around long enough, will happen, but choosing to live as if that very idea would surprise you. it is allowing yourself to be wounded, but with motives of choice and hope, not fear and defeat. that is the hinge that i never understood before. but again, later in life, i finally understood. none of this is for anyone but myself, or at least not on purpose. i have to work through my head by way of word, and present it to an audience, even if its a wall. curse you external processing. you make me so dependent. but again, to God's credit, perhaps that is the point. cause if i wasnt wired that way, rest assured these thoughts would not be shared.

a friend of mine wrote a poem about a visit we had about a month ago. im putting it here not because the world revolves around me, but because something in my heart nods its head as my eyes captivate themselves with each well placed word. because what she says is more true than i was able to realize.

"sometimes you must open your eyelids far earlier than they would desire,

for the sake of time spent with a friend from that southern peninsula.

and those are the times that you sit across from her

as she eats peanut butter pie and chocolate milk for breakfast,

and tells you of how her body is broken but her spirit is alive."

-em echev.

so here is to sappy songs with acoustic guitars. melancholy lyrics with a morose sense of humor. two terms for the same thing. sometimes, thats what you need, not because your sad, but because that is the only appropriate soundtrack music to scenes where you look back on life and ponder. three cheers my friends.

slow it down.

only 2 of you will think this is funny, cause ive been thinking it too.

life these days is fast and full. ben howard and the lumineers sing to me while i run from one thing to the next, inches from my overwhelmed threshold, but still on this side of the fence. if i could do one thing, it would be slow it down. to rest my arms and rest my legs. i dont get to feel the seasons much because the things that eat my time are all indoors. thats not necessarily a bad thing, but october is my favorite and i would hate to waste it.

my season has 12 more games in it. its still funny to me that i have a season. that i am on a team with a college name across my shirt. it is so fast. faster than anything ive lived before. or maybe it is just that my nerves are working properly and the chemicals that tell me what im feeling are actually in check and acknowledged. learning to live and feel and breathe. always. and thankful.

i talked to my friend logan last night and we have been working through the process of who we are. heritage and teaching and choices. all beautiful things, whether done well or not. it made me grateful for the influential people in my life. im not sure whether i realized how true this was until now. i said, "i think from my parents, i learned how to listen to others. from charlotte, i learned how to listen to God. and from sarah, i learned how to listen to myself". and i think that is fair. i have been marveling at how true those things are and how grateful i am for them. you must know all of them, lest you explode. fullness of that word meant.

i keep listening to ben howard and his words are soothingly haunting. he talks a lot about the ocean and about deep things and i am drawn to that. love is an ocean. it gives, it takes, it rips the shoreline and makes the sand soft under your cold feet. it nurses the edges of the world and rages against cliffs and crags. it begs sailors and thinkers alike. it is weathering, wounding, and funny enough, in its content, it is healing. and that is what i know to be true of love. in some seasons it rips you apart, pulls you away from the shore beyond the reach of loved ones, and yet somehow, if you let it, the rip tide will float you back to the beach, a little further down than when you started. love is an ocean. and i am caught in its waves.

i will be 23 next week, which is weird and funny but i feel it. today is the first day in almost a week where i woke up after 530, and when walking outside included sunlight. the first day i have had time to feel and stretch out. i feel the transition today. i feel the ocean inside me and around me. i feel my soul being worked over, and i feel it moving. i am not in undergrad. i am still in school, but it is different. i no longer put in work orders to fix my light, i walk to the store to buy a light, and i do it myself. macy doesnt come by and sweep the floor, i do that. and i dont put my dishes on the conveyor belt. in reality, i dont use dishes ever so i dont use them. beat you to it. but it is true. i dont meet with the world. i dont spend my free time chasing people. free time in this season is the anomaly. i do my own homework, and i make my own boundaries. some people have fallen out of my life, and they will stay there. some people will make it back. some people i will choose to follow. and some people are still here. heaven is a place we know heaven is the arms that hold us long before we go. ben howard says each word with care before he brings in us a chorus, reminding me that if youre there when the world comes to gather me in, i will be blessed. if anyone in my life is there when the world brings me home, i will be blessed, for i have known love and care that goes deeper than any trial i have and will ever face.

i have been blessed beyond blessings in love. by my family, friends, mentors, teammates, everything. in coffee shop conversations and couch ramblings and cross country car rides. intentional alliteration. i have always known love, though i have not always felt it, or been able to see it. i can look back on a majority of my time spent in college, and i can recollect warmth. i can still feel the care and the depth of love, and it is just a memory. i can see wounds and i can feel hurt, but the warmth overrides that, because i have known love. i read through proverbs 4 the other day and felt my soul move. "Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;  love her, and she will watch over you." and i love that. the idea of protecting those you love. and being protected. part of my identity reminds me that i was meant to be cared for sometimes. the world doesnt owe me, and i dont expect that. but i do accept that there is something tender in every person you meet, and that tenderness craves care. we were all meant to give in receive love. families, neighbors and enemies alike. intentional design.

i am thankful. i am calm, a little tired, and pretty happy. but mostly i am  thankful. and now that i am not chasing chaos or being consumed by expectations, i can say that and love it. 

cause you are dear to me yeah you are dear.

its only capitalized because i typed it in word. boo.

I think it’s the music im listening to again, but im thankful. That humanity is made up of resilient warriors, who wake up every day and stand up against gravity.

We played in Birmingham this weekend and I was fortunate enough to see a friend from high school, and another from the summer. My high school friend and I exchanged the cliffnotes of the last 4 years and it was beautiful. The reality of addictions and the victory of literally throwing them off the side of a mountain. What a privilege to be apart of each others lives. To know and to hold. We are stories, living and breathing, and sometimes loving.

Im still learning how to balance my time (lets keep a tally of how many times I say that..) and its getting better. I still play all the time and work too much, and BARELY squeeze my work in.. but its getting better. Spending time with good friends and creating space for good conversations. Colleen got it right. You have to create space for those things.

My friend from high school made a great point today about reflecting (senior status) on her life and reading her journals. The process by which we move through life is funny and orderly, but not predictable. She pointed out that though she knew she had grown, she didn’t realize how much until she really slowed down to look at things. Upon seeing the chasm, her next realization was the idea that she needed to be gentle with her younger self. What a great thought. How often do I sift through old journals and think to myself, no wonder this went wrong, or how could you have been so foolish? When in reality, my foolishness is merely my humanity sticking out. Sometimes, we are as dumb as we appear to be in retrospect. But a lot of times, we’re just young, and working ourselves out.  A lot of self-conditioned criticality (an unnecessary demand for perfection. Dumb) has benefitted me in the area of self-discipline, but sometimes I forget and forfeit the soothing gift of giving yourself grace. It was a simple conversation at O Henry’s in Alabama this morning, but how liberating. To breathe in your own skin and relax. To laugh at your youth instead of dig out some sort of lesson.

Ive wondered recently about the idea of trying to cross lines. How often do we challenge boundaries set ahead of us? We talk about inching up to the line to see how close we can get without crossing, but I wonder if a line is too concrete. I wonder if the mentality should be more about thresholds. I guess in some ways those are the same things, but threshold reminds me more of protection than presenting a challenge. Once your mind crosses certain thresholds, it stops giving you a choice and intervenes automatically, because you are either physically incapable, or because your body has decided that you made the wrong decision. I think about thresholds mostly as they relate to pain (esp physical) because that is the most readily available example in my life. My thresholds were crossed constantly because of the influence of voices I heard and the work of my own hands.  And my body shut down for it on several occasions. In some places I received praises for mental toughness, but the honest voices in my life pleaded with concern. I was hurting myself, convinced I could cross one more line and I would be okay. 3 years later, with scar tissue lattices across my abdomen, nerve damage, and a slue of adjustments, I can say that the threshold was crossed, and irreversibly so. I thought I was stepping over lines, to make myself stronger, when in reality, I was breaking my threshold over and over again until my body took things into its own hands and said no.

i guess these are the things you learn as you look at your life. i used to hate processes (your cue to laugh) but now i sort of get them. and i can enjoy them instead of resenting them. i think im finally getting to the place now where i can be gentle with other people in their processes instead of trying to make them speed up, or whatever other power i think i have. life is good and love is an ocean.

love is an ocean.

my (actual) favorite 't' word. thankful. still thankful. working out the other 't' word; trust.

classes have started and they actually make my life easier, which i find funny. i often sit between friends where certain looks can be exchanged and understood. ive been given the privilege of sharing deep conversations of the theological and soul baring genre. i started soccer bible study and have been playing volleyball. i got dinner with my mentor and ive had a chocolate chai latte every time ive gone to work. literally all of my favorite things.

the other day i was talking with some teammates and i mentioned something about portioning out meals to make sure its enough for another meal. the next time we ate together, one of my teammates asked if what she had was enough for a portion. i assumed she was making fun of me so i rolled my eyes. when we got up to leave, she handed me a to-go box, explaining that she wanted to make sure it was enough. you want to talk about being humbled? want to talk about being cared for? it really is about the people around you.

tonight we played north carolina a&t and we won, which was great. lets be real, we've needed W's for a while. but the best part was watching the team really get it. we stopped worrying about who was in, and deserving it, and all the bitterness that comes with that. we were all for each other. we became our own biggest fans. molly got to go in and she killed it. devin got to play and she did SO WELL. watching each player on the court succeed was unreal. i think thats what sports are supposed to be about. character building and learning to be for each other. becoming a better community for each other. looking out for each other. yesterday, i was running on total empty and i couldnt pass to save my life. multiple teammates sought me out to encourage and listen. we can be so powerful in each other's lives.

better love ive seen.

and in reality, ive experienced it too. sometimes when the weather changes, the only appropriate response is to listen to drew holcomb and the neighbors. something about their music makes sense for this time of the year. ive seen them in concert and its unreal. so much passion, so much thought, and so much love. thats what i want my life to be about. ive been listening to ellie holcombs magnolia ep all week and its good to my soul. so much of it is just reminding yourself of the goodness of the Lord. sitting still and resting your head on his shoulder. i smile like im old and weathered when i listen to their music. in some ways i am, but in other ways im young and goofy and restless. and thats good to remember. i am not old or young, i am both. seasoned and naive. both. i like this road. it is winding, like the ones that wrap their ways around my house. i am surrounded by good friends who come to my games, and who meet me for coffee in between those times. saturday night after my game, there will be a bonfire at my house and i cannot wait. i look forward to sharing laughs over a fire in a chilly night.

earlier, i knew that this year was going to be good, but that it would be rough. that is not the same as overwhelming, or destructive. it will still be a year of continuing my journey and learning to love jesus, myself and others. but it will have its moments. it already has in a couple places. my uncle has stage 4 colon cancer, and its sad. our family is a weird one. we're not close, but we're protective and grateful for each other. its my dad's brother in law. which means that out of my dad's family, he's the husband of my dad's only living relative for several thousand miles (the closest are in western canada and california) it is a sad thing, but a hopeful thing too. who knows. i dont. so in the meantime, it spurs me to pray, and reminds me to be thankful of whatever time i am allowed to participate in, because there is always uncertainty in what you will receive.

"i want you to live forever underneath the sky so blue"

faces are funny in sports action shots. love is an ocean. thank you ellie holcomb for reminding me.

laugh.

one time i played volleyball for gardner webb. are you laughing yet?

nothing much to say other than thanks. if you are in my life and feeding my soul with deep conversations, thank you. if you are asking me how i am doing, and reminding me to not just answer on automatic because im tired, thank you. if you are taking the time to make someone else's life easier, thank you. if you are trying, thank you. if you are learning to create boundaries that have gates instead of walls, thank you, cause its a long, worthy road. thank you. thats it. no requests, no more than this. my life is good and im thankful.

noah gundersen.

moss on a rolling stone by noah gundersen.

"I believe nowhere is a better place to be
Than not knowing where you're going now
I said education is a better state of mind
But I'd trade all my books to find a home
If I made bets on a better time
I'd lose my money every single dime
I believe moss on a rolling stone
Is better than the rust that's growing on my home

'Cause it eats at me sometimes

The more you struggle
More you fight it
More it clings to you at night
The more you wonder
More you dream
The more you pray it starts to die
And it does
Though it kicks you in the side
Yes it does
Though it takes a little time

I believe heaven is a pretty place to stay
But not knowing scares me half to death
I believe God is a bigger man than me
But sometimes I think that I can fight him
We kicked the devil on a Friday night
Just about lost when he came in close and tight
Took him with a punch to his gritty chin
Asked him to please not come back here again

But he eats at me sometimes

The more you struggle
More you fight it
More he clings to you at night
The more you wonder
More you dream
The more you pray he starts to die
And it does
Though he kicks you in the side
Yes it does
Though it takes a little time

I believe home is a place that I will get someday
If someone just will hold me
I believe hope is a thing that I will find some time
If someone just will show me
I believe love is given, going, gone
Come back to kiss me on the forehead
And I believe moss on a rolling stone
Is better than the rust that's growing on my home

'Cause it eats at me sometimes

The more I struggle
More I fight it
More it clings to me at night
The more I wonder
More I dream
The more I pray it starts to die
And it does
Though it kicks me in the side
Yes it does
Though it takes a little time"

the company kept.

on the last leg of our 11 hour drive and i love it as much as when i started. i wonder if i love it because in some ways it is the opposite of my life. normally i run around like madness, too fast, hoping for rest, and moving as fast as my legs will take me. being responsible for all of the movement that takes place. in traveling though, i find rest and am not responsible for the movement. i also enjoy it because to a degree, i am confined. i cant spread myself too thin cause its just me. thankful.

ive been cleaning out some stuff in my life and found a few pages of notes that i consider wise. in many ways we become the company we keep. i can only pray that i am in the process of becoming like mine.

"courage is fear that has said its prayers". recently, i think i have shied from wanting to live courageously. i let fear stop me from a lot of things, especially in potential friendships and that is unfortunate. you should be brave in relationships. its not the same as being a blunt asshole, but its more than backing away to avoid toes.

"we just know whats in our in own (hearts) what wrongs were capable of and that knowledge is terrible enough."
i read divergent recently and its been really insightful. it is good to know what you are capable of, both good and bad. no one is one or the other, we are all both and we should strive for better, but ultimately we must learn to accept ourselves, because we cant escape ourselves.

"working on your relationship with the Lord definitely improves your other relationships, but it works the other way too. there is a sweetness to surrender and trust." they both flow into each other, so its worth looking at both sides.

"he did not create it to be empty but formed it to be inhabited isaiah 45:18."

"i will strengthen you though you have not acknowledged me so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is none besides me. i am the Lord and there is no other isaiah 45 5&6"

"a searching and fearless moral inventory״. i think this was said in light of a 12 step program or something, but what a great thought of reflection. to be fearless in our personal lives.

"the first thing he does is teach you to hide the things youre ashamed of. not to expose them in full truth." this was said in reference of one of the first lessons we learn from satan. it is a subtle opposite to the way God asks us to deal with shame. how revealing it is to genuinely examine the things we hide? we skate around the places where we still feel chained by shame.

"since were priests is the ability to forgive each other". in a conversation about confession, we talked about how we forfeit potential healing when we refuse to bring things out to the light. my friend lauren made a great point about how we deprive each other of our call to the ministry of reconciliation. we lose our ability to love each other and we give up another possibility of finding relief from the things that way on us.

"off the cuff comments binding my wrists". a good reminder that the things that slip out of our mouths reveal more than we'd like.

"we reciprocate love given. humanity makes a living off of imitation." i have realized recently that this is really true. we imitate what we value, and we reveal what we value by what we imitate. we are individuals, yes, but we soak up soooooo much from our environment. i dont think you are necessarily defined by it, but you are undoubtedly impacted by it. we become the company we keep. we adopt each others idiosyncrasies and morals. your life is your opportunity to aspire for better. living in spite of your reputation, and in light of legacy. you cant change everything about your reputation but you do have in regards to your legacy.

"i have tested you in the furnace of affliction isaiah 48:10" wow, how often do we miss this verse (slash how often do we forsake the old testament) we are guaranteed sanctifying afflictions. read jesus' big talk, the beatitudes. you are promised struggle. and in some cases, relief but in all cases grace.

"becoming better is a way longer process than getting worse. it takes a second to die but a life time to live". its not hard to live stupid and be cruel. not hard to develop a poor reputation and be foolish. its way harder to be known for integrity and wisdom. but you tell me which one is worth it.

"this above all else, do not lie to yourself -brother lawrence." lying to others should be avoided, but nothing hurts you more than lying to yourself.

"demise is never dependant on only one factor". nothing ever falls apart because of just one thing. there are always cofactors.

"shallow relationships are too much work cause you always have to be happy". i finally realized why i didnt like them, thanks sarah rome. its good to have shallow ones, cause they cant all be deep.

"pain is a place to relate to God". nobody knows pain more than God. i dont think highly of pain, i guess. i know it changes things, for better, for worse, and for both at the same time most days. it does not allow for stagnancy. in your pain, you have the capacity to relate to God in the most intimate ways. im not saying you should seek out pain. dont, youll run into enough of it in life. but when it comes, consider the privilege you have in knowing Christ. Philippians 3:10 i want to know Christ and his sufferings. to know means to understand intimately. what a dangerous, fruitful prayer.

"i wonder if love starts with acceptance. we cannot begin to love our neighbor until we are first okay with them". this applies to our neighbors, and ourselves. in the past when people have told me to love myself, like every other well-intentioned thing, ive pushed it away and continued walking. how can you love something/someone i despised? how could you be head over heels for yourself? wrestling. i learned that although those things can be love, most love takes the form
of acceptance. when do you feel most loved? when you feel accepted. what makes a friend your friend? they accept you for you. be a friend to yourself. dont bother trying to be infatuated with yourself, thats prideful and annoying. but be okay with yourself. laugh at yourself in a goofy way not because youre mean. learn to be okay with yourself, cause its not like you can avoid yourself. look at yourself in the mirror and dont look away. learn to be okay. itll make loving everyone else a lot easier.

"so many of our greatest accomplishments and strengths are spurred on by motives of out deepest fears". most of the things i am adamant about are due to fears. im articulate because ive been called a liar. calling things by their right name. its interesting to look at your strengths and the things you do consistently and wonder where theyre from.

"in that season i had to grow up. i could not shrink. had i, i would have only destroyed, first in line being myself." someone asked me what changed in life. how did i start liking myself instead of criticizing everything i did. i changed out of necessity. it was no longer an option to keep going, so i stopped and said, "okay." when people spoke into my life, i said okay. when people loved me, i said okay. and when people said they needed space, i said okay to that too. i dont want to destroy myself. i want to laugh a lot and enjoy life for its grace.

"i am not convinced that you can have both complete safety and complete liberty, theoretically or practically. humanity works against both of those paradigms". think about. insert boundaries and margins speech.

"guilt as a tool rather than a weapon agaibst the self." still thinking through this, but i see it. transformative shame instead of restrictive.

"sometimes i forget that i can hurt you. that you are capable of being hurt". capacities.

"telling and trusting are not interchangeable". to tell someone about your life and to trust yourself are too very different things.

"long nights and cold sweats
beneath sheets of tangled regrets
secrets lie in want of things that once were never meant
but we are we are
we are fools falling over each other
inflicting wounds and walking bandaged
unaware and blind
broken bones and promises
i swore i never would
but later, swore i never meant it
we are fools we are fools
stumbling drunks hoping for more
settling for less
clamoring out of hellish pits
we are blind
we are we are
walking metaphors peeking out between sets of preconceived notions
who are we behind our words
foolish we are
but we are we are
love falls hard on our deaf ears"

i have been on the bus for 8 hours. it will probably take just as long for you to read this. absurd. i love travel time on a team.