the company kept.

on the last leg of our 11 hour drive and i love it as much as when i started. i wonder if i love it because in some ways it is the opposite of my life. normally i run around like madness, too fast, hoping for rest, and moving as fast as my legs will take me. being responsible for all of the movement that takes place. in traveling though, i find rest and am not responsible for the movement. i also enjoy it because to a degree, i am confined. i cant spread myself too thin cause its just me. thankful.

ive been cleaning out some stuff in my life and found a few pages of notes that i consider wise. in many ways we become the company we keep. i can only pray that i am in the process of becoming like mine.

"courage is fear that has said its prayers". recently, i think i have shied from wanting to live courageously. i let fear stop me from a lot of things, especially in potential friendships and that is unfortunate. you should be brave in relationships. its not the same as being a blunt asshole, but its more than backing away to avoid toes.

"we just know whats in our in own (hearts) what wrongs were capable of and that knowledge is terrible enough."
i read divergent recently and its been really insightful. it is good to know what you are capable of, both good and bad. no one is one or the other, we are all both and we should strive for better, but ultimately we must learn to accept ourselves, because we cant escape ourselves.

"working on your relationship with the Lord definitely improves your other relationships, but it works the other way too. there is a sweetness to surrender and trust." they both flow into each other, so its worth looking at both sides.

"he did not create it to be empty but formed it to be inhabited isaiah 45:18."

"i will strengthen you though you have not acknowledged me so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is none besides me. i am the Lord and there is no other isaiah 45 5&6"

"a searching and fearless moral inventory״. i think this was said in light of a 12 step program or something, but what a great thought of reflection. to be fearless in our personal lives.

"the first thing he does is teach you to hide the things youre ashamed of. not to expose them in full truth." this was said in reference of one of the first lessons we learn from satan. it is a subtle opposite to the way God asks us to deal with shame. how revealing it is to genuinely examine the things we hide? we skate around the places where we still feel chained by shame.

"since were priests is the ability to forgive each other". in a conversation about confession, we talked about how we forfeit potential healing when we refuse to bring things out to the light. my friend lauren made a great point about how we deprive each other of our call to the ministry of reconciliation. we lose our ability to love each other and we give up another possibility of finding relief from the things that way on us.

"off the cuff comments binding my wrists". a good reminder that the things that slip out of our mouths reveal more than we'd like.

"we reciprocate love given. humanity makes a living off of imitation." i have realized recently that this is really true. we imitate what we value, and we reveal what we value by what we imitate. we are individuals, yes, but we soak up soooooo much from our environment. i dont think you are necessarily defined by it, but you are undoubtedly impacted by it. we become the company we keep. we adopt each others idiosyncrasies and morals. your life is your opportunity to aspire for better. living in spite of your reputation, and in light of legacy. you cant change everything about your reputation but you do have in regards to your legacy.

"i have tested you in the furnace of affliction isaiah 48:10" wow, how often do we miss this verse (slash how often do we forsake the old testament) we are guaranteed sanctifying afflictions. read jesus' big talk, the beatitudes. you are promised struggle. and in some cases, relief but in all cases grace.

"becoming better is a way longer process than getting worse. it takes a second to die but a life time to live". its not hard to live stupid and be cruel. not hard to develop a poor reputation and be foolish. its way harder to be known for integrity and wisdom. but you tell me which one is worth it.

"this above all else, do not lie to yourself -brother lawrence." lying to others should be avoided, but nothing hurts you more than lying to yourself.

"demise is never dependant on only one factor". nothing ever falls apart because of just one thing. there are always cofactors.

"shallow relationships are too much work cause you always have to be happy". i finally realized why i didnt like them, thanks sarah rome. its good to have shallow ones, cause they cant all be deep.

"pain is a place to relate to God". nobody knows pain more than God. i dont think highly of pain, i guess. i know it changes things, for better, for worse, and for both at the same time most days. it does not allow for stagnancy. in your pain, you have the capacity to relate to God in the most intimate ways. im not saying you should seek out pain. dont, youll run into enough of it in life. but when it comes, consider the privilege you have in knowing Christ. Philippians 3:10 i want to know Christ and his sufferings. to know means to understand intimately. what a dangerous, fruitful prayer.

"i wonder if love starts with acceptance. we cannot begin to love our neighbor until we are first okay with them". this applies to our neighbors, and ourselves. in the past when people have told me to love myself, like every other well-intentioned thing, ive pushed it away and continued walking. how can you love something/someone i despised? how could you be head over heels for yourself? wrestling. i learned that although those things can be love, most love takes the form
of acceptance. when do you feel most loved? when you feel accepted. what makes a friend your friend? they accept you for you. be a friend to yourself. dont bother trying to be infatuated with yourself, thats prideful and annoying. but be okay with yourself. laugh at yourself in a goofy way not because youre mean. learn to be okay with yourself, cause its not like you can avoid yourself. look at yourself in the mirror and dont look away. learn to be okay. itll make loving everyone else a lot easier.

"so many of our greatest accomplishments and strengths are spurred on by motives of out deepest fears". most of the things i am adamant about are due to fears. im articulate because ive been called a liar. calling things by their right name. its interesting to look at your strengths and the things you do consistently and wonder where theyre from.

"in that season i had to grow up. i could not shrink. had i, i would have only destroyed, first in line being myself." someone asked me what changed in life. how did i start liking myself instead of criticizing everything i did. i changed out of necessity. it was no longer an option to keep going, so i stopped and said, "okay." when people spoke into my life, i said okay. when people loved me, i said okay. and when people said they needed space, i said okay to that too. i dont want to destroy myself. i want to laugh a lot and enjoy life for its grace.

"i am not convinced that you can have both complete safety and complete liberty, theoretically or practically. humanity works against both of those paradigms". think about. insert boundaries and margins speech.

"guilt as a tool rather than a weapon agaibst the self." still thinking through this, but i see it. transformative shame instead of restrictive.

"sometimes i forget that i can hurt you. that you are capable of being hurt". capacities.

"telling and trusting are not interchangeable". to tell someone about your life and to trust yourself are too very different things.

"long nights and cold sweats
beneath sheets of tangled regrets
secrets lie in want of things that once were never meant
but we are we are
we are fools falling over each other
inflicting wounds and walking bandaged
unaware and blind
broken bones and promises
i swore i never would
but later, swore i never meant it
we are fools we are fools
stumbling drunks hoping for more
settling for less
clamoring out of hellish pits
we are blind
we are we are
walking metaphors peeking out between sets of preconceived notions
who are we behind our words
foolish we are
but we are we are
love falls hard on our deaf ears"

i have been on the bus for 8 hours. it will probably take just as long for you to read this. absurd. i love travel time on a team.