ramble pants.

its funny to me that these posts look more like my journal. they start with things like, ill write more later. words often said but never meant.

volleyball has started and i love it. the team is good to me and the leadership is so different. i am tired but so excited to practice. i am happy and i laugh. so many contributing factors to that, but i know that one is leadership style. my humanity forces me to wonder what it would have been like if it was always like that. but it stops there because i am thankful for the result of this messy winding process.

currently at work, and its empty here and i love it. i have been so blessed by great conversations recently. sometimes, it is genuinely wiser to keep your own secrets, but sometimes, it is liberating to let them go. to confess and admit wounds and wars. and for that i am thankful. the idea of trust has come up a lot recently, both in conversation and conviction. i dont do it well. i am trying, and learning always. learning what trust means and looks like. a lot of acceptance. acceptance of the reality that the person on the other side will probably hurt you at some point, whether intentionally or not. acceptance that you probably wont have much control of the relationship, regardless of what you would like to think. trust. to know things will be okay in the aftermath, one way or another. trust. another one-syllable loaded word. but i guess at this point in the game, they all are.

i had a conversation with one of my best friends and got to release a secret. it sat caged in my head all summer, and i felt it move around. some things should be guarded in your life and that is okay too. it doesnt mean that you suck or that you're dishonest. sometimes it just means your respectful. at least i hope that was the case. but i am thankful for friends who let me let go. let go and let God. haha christa edwards and sarah rome, over and over again. the peace of confession is beautiful. in its right time. thankful in 16 flavors.

i talked with matthew lineberger in the coffee shop today. he is a great friend and a wise soul. he loves tradition more than oceans and has taught me so much about integrity, respect and honor. we talked about so many things today and it was beautiful. a lot of it was about cultural norms and how vast they are. about how most of our culture does whatever it wants to do because the idea of consequences is now so far removed that life's best teacher is no longer accessible. not always. but many times, we face no consequences for things, so we never learn from them. we never learn responsibility for our actions and choices. but sometimes we do, and those consequences lead to grace and wisdom. my sweetest year of life came after a season of accepting responsibility. after owning the work of my hands. i broke a lot of things. i became someone i swore i would never be. but i was. it was disgusting to me, but i learned. i am capable of great good and great harm. i will accomplish both many times over, for the rest of my life. but i pray that i steward those moments well and learn from them.

we also talked about the gospel and what it means in different regions. here in the western hemisphere, we talked about the gospel in a logical, legal paradigm. we say that Christ has paid our debts, and when we share, the only logical response is to accept it. in the eastern tradition, honor and shame are larger players in that game. and we agreed that neither was right or wrong, but that we would do well to examine them both and appreciate their value. i wonder what our decision making process would be like if we considered the honor and shame attached to the consequence. i am not sure that i am brave enough or wise enough to live in that perspective, but i will certainly see how it shapes me.

i dont always read people well, but a lot of times i can see them for who they are and who they are becoming. i can see the hope in them, the possibility. and i geek out about it. i can see people being on the cusp of things, knowing that they have the capacity to fall down or stand up, but the choice is theirs. the quality that i love to see the most is resilience. it is a beautiful cog in the machine of life. humanity sucks sometimes, but more often than not it is resilient. the mark of maturity (for me at least) is the look in someones eye, and the tone in their voice that says "i have been somewhere and i have survived it". i love it. we are capable of so much more than we realize. if you have gone through crap and life and you are alive to read this, you have not given up the fight yet. we forget that sometimes. that we are usually capable of survival. that something in us continues to fight even when we refuse to. one of life's mysterious gifts. i have a few friends right now who are beginning a journey of pruning and grafting. and thats really painful sometimes. usually. but the rose on the other side is sweet and a little tougher. it brings me joy knowing that there is hope. that no experience we encounter is ever wasted. or at least not so far. who knows. im only 22 which isnt much but ive seen the dredges of life used for good in my character. and thats nice. blah blah blah. word vomit. some of my friends are facing their choices. they are owning the work of their hands. there is so much to be gained from that, including perspective. we are wired for survival. we are built to fight against so many things. there is a song by satellite called ring the bells. the chorus says, at least we live tonight. how sweet those words are. nothing ever hurts us more than love. we will all get hurt if we love the way we should. so much wisdom in my friends and in my company. i am lucky to keep it and to hold it.

love includes trust and acceptance. being vulnerable and believing. we are miserable fools, preaching about these things, but not quite knowing them. knowing them is hard. in the hebrew the word for knowing is "yada". it has 2 meanings. one is to have sex with. i used to giggle at that in class because i was/am immature, but the more i thought about it, the more i understood. the closest you can physically be to any human being is having sex. there is absolutely nothing more intimate. it binds you because thats what physicality does. it is union that is difficult to separate. like wrestling, you know every curve, piece of perfection, and flaw. and you accept those things. the other definition carries the same intensity, but provides a different pictures. it carries the same intimacy and depth. to KNOW something means to be deeply invested, accepting of flaws, and understanding. to believe something to be true. if sarah currie ever read this, she would laugh because so many of my aphorisms are things that she repeated OVER AND OVER again, because i am/was just as stubborn as she probably was. what is life if not to laugh. i gained a lot from her mentorship and for that i am thankful. you should be thankful for it too, cause its good. to know love is hard, regardless of what definition you use. to say that you will be okay on the other side of a wound. thats hard. it is so hard to trust once you have been betrayed. but i guess Jesus did too. the betrayal he faced was brutal. and maybe that is another purpose for the pain. to bind us with the intimacy of Jesus, to walk as he walked, and to rise and he rose. resilience. survival. who knows. knowing. my brain is messy and all over the place but sometimes it leads to unwalked paths, or at least paths that are overgrown from under-use.

i am so thankful for the work that the Lord has done. i am nowhere near perfect and i am okay with that. but i am thankful to know and be known. to be a spectator and player in the processes of my friends. i feel so privileged to walk alongside people as the work out their lives, knowing that we all have something to glean from each other's harvests.

"Find the words that make it right again
Calling birds help you make it through the night
It's just enough to find a way to open up once again
And learn to take all the beauty that's inside

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

Scream out loud
Until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal an achin heart
And those that know you most
Can help you to live again
So keep the close
As you're making your new start

Well ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

The day you finally turn to dust
And finally hear your name
Brings colors that will never fade away
Sometimes the best in all of us
Can still break down and still give up on love
But it's never gone

Well ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight"