missed naps.

currently lying in bed with my feet propped up against the wall, praying to drain out some lactic acid. sometimes i forget what it looks like to be an athlete, because i havent been one in so long, and even when i was, i was too physically limited to do most things. but by so much grace, i am essentially working at full capacity. its weird because it has been so long since i could claim that as true.

had my first break today, which should have been filled with a nap but instead had a little bit of restlessness and thoughts. i look forward to this weekend because there will be time to be still and gather some thoughts. i have recently wondered about the fine lines of respect and fear. when i make a decision, is it based on the freedom of respecting someone and trusting them and myself? or is it based on the fear of what will happen if i say no? the latter is typically true in my life, which is usually beneficial for whoever i am following, and typically unfortunate for myself. in this season of transitioning, i still catch myself trying to avoid peoples toes, and ignoring what i feel for the sake of functionality. rarely do i ever give an authentic first response, and when i do its either because im pissed or exhausted. it makes me flighty and fearful in my relationships. even in this post where im attempting to articulate emotions, ive retreated to the functional nature of term paper writing.

boo. ive got loose ends and unresolved things. i am finally far enough removed from a few environments to see how adapted to what i experienced, and sometimes (now) thats a little disheartening. ill work out the difference in due time, but for right now, that dirty trust word is forcing itself into my line of sight. i dont trust well. i am fearful, from old things backed up, and new things compounded. but the reality is, i cannot be fully me or fully present in relationships if i do not trust. here is to trying to trust the Lord to mend broken things.