and making jokes.
one day in north carolina, i will sit at BRCC and type all these bullet points in my mind but i just havent made it there yet.
currently in roswell georgia with my mentor in high school and i love it. my time at home was really sweet, but it reminded me that the more i go home, the less i consider it home. in the deepest of my trenches, my friend kay said that she was making a name for herself. for whatever reason, that phrase led to a turning point. i was going to make a name for myself. my own name, despite reputations i had between friends. i was going to follow the Lord when he allured me into the desert and spoke tenderly to me. i was going to let the Lord do a new thing, and stop trying to piece together the frayed edges of a puzzle that no longer fit together. so thats what i did. i made a name for myself. i lived from the whole of me, not just the expectations others had for me. i stopped trying to become better and instead gave myself the freedom to laugh at myself instead. and its been incredible. hard to get there, but so worth the fight.
being at home is always interesting, regardless of how home is. you spend such a significant portion of your life there and the familiarity is overwhelming. so its not hard to fall back into the same holes at home, even if you didnt have to deal with them at all while away at school. but back to the name thing. i came home and realized that tampa has nothing for me anymore. its not a bad place, its amazing. but i am removed from it and i dont want to go back. it has nothing to do with haunting memories or bitterness, but the honest reality that i am 22 and i have made a name for myself in north carolina. i have established community and i am becoming an adult there. north carolina is home right now, which is weird to say. technically, the beginning and end of every season is a transition period, but ive never felt it to the degree that i do now. i am almost an adult. i pay some of my bills and by this time next year, i will be paying all of them. i live in a house and tomorrow i am buying furniture. i will not have breaks to go home and thats okay too. i am my parents daughter, but i am also now their friend. no longer the DD but sometimes sitting in the stool with them. i know im not old, ive just barely made it past 20. but i also know that my life is different now and i am not drawn to the same things. the party doesnt interest me and the concerts are fun, but i no longer want to fight my way into the crowd, i just want to sit back and enjoy the music. i value porch time more than ever, i make boundaries, and i get up early. and i love it. this new stuff is fun, and i never thought it would be. im still passionate, but it looks so different than it did before. and for that i am thankful too.
the last few days have had some of the most incredible conversations, both with new friends and old mentors. in the last week, ive gotten coffee or lunch with 4 different teachers, all of whom were from middle school or earlier. driving back one day, i realized how blessed i was to have such incredible women in my life. i was a messy kid but i was taken care of by so many people. there have been a few male figures in my life as well, but these women have cared so deeply for me, and are still invested in my life. thursday was probably the coolest though, because my mom came to lunch with me. 2 of my old pe coaches, and my soccer coach, his wife and 2 kids came. it was a really powerful moment to be together with them, 8 years later. we all laughed and no one was older or younger, we were all the same age, making the same jokes. im also thankful that several of these women have pursued higher education. 3 of them are in doctorate programs and i love it. ive had such strong women in my life.
so obviously i think music is powerful and super beautiful. as i drove around tampa, saying goodbye to my town, i had my music cranked and my windows down. the song wounded by third eye blind came on and i smiled and fell back into my seat. the subject of the song is tough, but everything in it and behind makes it so beautiful. its one of my favorites, and when it comes on, i think my skin glows or something, idk. but there is a definitely change in me. i think i like it a lot cause its a crying out song, where you bare your soul in singing, but its not about your personal turmoil, its crying out for a wounded friend. i think about it a lot because i get that. i care deeply for my friends, and when their wounds are deep, something in me gets crazy tender. and protective. i think its good love, so im okay with it. one of my favorite memories from school is anchored in by that song. i used to volunteer with WyldLife, a middle school ministry. one night we were driving back and somehow we all fit in one car. i think spencer was driving, bmote was in there, and julia and amy were in the back seat with me. the song came on, and we realized that all of us knew it, so we turned it up as loud as the car would let us. i know that some of us usually had someone in mind, but even if we didn't, we sang and we meant it. it was such an infinite moment. after the song ended, we all just looked at each other and smiled, knowing that we had shared this crazy powerful moment together, and that afterwards it would never be the same. i think about that moment a lot and am thankful. those moments when something powerful and inexplicable has happened, and you sink down into yourself, and into the arms of the person next to you, not having words, but mutually knowing that whatever happened was something good. there were several of those moments this summer, usually in worship. when molly hit her note in how great thou art the first week of danville, or when lily got to sing on stage for it is well. when everyone fell asleep in the staff lounge, or when brandon cried and we all surrounded him. such powerful moments. my old sea soul sits with those things and i smile. one of the commandments that happens the most in the bible is to remember. God constantly tells us to remember. the bible exists because we are called to remember, to be reminded of what was, what is, and what is capable of happening. in hebrew, the word for remember is "zakar", and it is my favorite word. in english, the word is flippant, and means to recall from a previous state of forgetting. but in hebrew, it is so much deeper and so much more powerful. it means to acknowledge something in its entirety, and to know it deeply as something true. i love that. so those powerful moments and those still moments are something i remember now. and honestly, it has made all the difference.
we really do serve such a good God. who knows what he is doing. ever. evereverever. but i am thankful for what he does. when life is crazy chaotic around us, the only thing you can do is be thankful. if it is absolute madness and beyond your control, say thanks for that because you are only responsible for what is in your control. you can only do what is in your capacity. but the other side is that the Lord creates out of chaos. in the creation story, the "world" is formless and void, also translated as utter chaos, depending on your lexicon. and the Spirit of the Lord hovered over it. and look at where we are now. the beauty of life was derived from absolute nothingness. our most intimate moments of God are when we have completely surrendered in our darkest moments. so thanks for that too, because if you are in those deep waters of dark, you are on the cusp of transformation. you are the closest to God that you can be, because you are about to be catapulted into utter worship for the Lord. if everything is madness, the Lord is doing something. i do not understand the beast that is grace, but i know that once my boulders were removed from the garden, i was able to run and laugh and not trip. tending the wreckage is so hard, and so confusing, but the sweetness of the roses is immeasurably worth it.
dont know much. laugh a lot. that is my life, and i am thankful. to know that the Lord is near and dear to me. and better yet, i know that i am dear to him. and the power of knowing that is incredible. and close. and im thankful in every language that i know. the lyrics to this song remind me of those quiet moments. which obviously means its on repeat now and will continue to be on repeat for a long time. drown out the lies with truth. this new season is fun, with new friends and old, and i hope and pray that the two will be merged. God is so gracious to me.
"oh you watch me stready, you
watch me with such a quiet sincerity
and you hold me heavy, you
hold me like I was born to be held
and the Iight comes in here, yeah
morning my dear, and the restlessness of arms
and we lie here longing now
words were ours that will never be harm
'cause you are dear to me
yeah you are dear"
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