receiving.

the fullness of my recent conversations is good to my soul. trust. that word keeps coming and it wont stop. i think it is wise to stop where we are sometimes and evaluate the definitions we keep for words. it reveals where you are in life, and in many ways, what you've experienced (or haven't experienced). we will see how it changes, but for right now, trust is doing something, or engaging someone, knowing that they have the capacity to hurt you (and likelihood), yet knowing deep within you that you will be okay. maybe that has more hope than meriam-webster might use, but its where i am, and for now, its what i know.

i talked to a tired friend today and it was good to my soul. sometimes i like hanging out with people when theyre tired because it reveals their humanity. i think we're also a little more honest when we're tired. not enough energy to crank out a smile if we don't mean it. i like that a lot. we talked about trust, and how a lack of it usually indicates life experience. when i told her how i defined it, she said she could see my life in it, and where i was coming from. i am thankful to be known.

grace and pain often remain intertwined, braided together. who knows. i surely do not.

anyways, receiving. rarely do i ACTUALLY receive anything, whether it be a gift or a compliment. christa and sarah rome and i have a project where if one of us compliments the other one, we are not allowed to say anything but thank you. eye rolling is also prohibited. the conversation will not move forward until thank you is said. it reminds me of learning to love yourself. i dont think the goal is to be head over heels in love with yourself. i think the goal is to be okay with yourself. to know yourself and understand yourself well enough to grasp that you are capable of healing and harm. learn to live there and laugh out the difference. in the same way, im not sure the initial goal is to brand yourself with certain qualities. i think the goal is to first accept them and acknowledge them. to remember that you are capable of being known for those things. to accept them deeply, instead of tossing them out when no one is looking. in talking to sarah today, i realized/acknowledged that i typically dont do the things that i talk about. i make moves in life, yes. but i throw around these weighty things like forgiveness and love and trust, but dont DO them. or accept them for that matter. i am afraid to in many ways. my humanity is inescapable. i talked about slowing down to let things sink in, and in the same hand, slowing down to  let things move out. not moving quickly and avoiding eye contact when someone praises a quality they see in me, or distracting the conversation with a story, and sometimes a laugh. i do laugh often, and i enjoy it, but sometimes my laughter is just a prettier version of a heart-fence. mmmm this is so revealing.

learn to trust that it is okay. silly, but i am afraid of being close to people. of intimacy. through conditioning, a broken pair of glasses, a little habitual thinking, and some compounded experiences, i have grown/deteriorated to believe that closeness always ends in abandonment. i have enough relationships in my life that would speak against that in loud booming voices. i have people who know my life and are committed to the long haul. but there have been damaging relationships and experiences  that reinfected old wounds, and they whisper about my old fears. i hate it, but those are often the voices i listen to. i hate it so much. i am learning a lot, but the Lord is reminding me to trust. to confess and TRUST that on the other side of my voice, the ears that hear will be okay with me. that i will be okay.

i am okay. i know that and believe it. i see fear in my life, but i want to live with bravery and courage. i dont want to get stuck in the potholes of running my mouth and never putting a hand to the plow. i want to work in my life, and equally watch the Lord work because that is sweet too. knowing that both of my hands are equally skilled. i dont want to be weighed down by the things that scare me, i want to face them, to shake them, and to remember them as memories, not as realities.

the Lord is so good to me. here is to a season of learning to receive and to trust.