life is sweet to me, maybe always, but especially in this season.
final week of camp and everything is fast as hell, but we are so loved. colleen burroughs has been hangin with us and its awesome. it quickly became clear why everyone loves her. met with my coordinator for evaluations and it was good. camp isnt real life so its been funny as far as people asking to be "real life friends". we are foolish and funny and the Lord loves us still. in my meeting katy asked what areas i needed growth in. in honesty, i said with genuinely trusting. i am human and that is still hard in seasons. it is good to be reminded of warmth and honesty. laughter is good and i love it the most, but simple moments are powerful too. after talking to katy, i processed a little and called my fears by name. in typical God fashion, the next mornings devotion was about confession. the reminder of conviction made its home in my head, resting while i worked through the garden. the irony and humor of God has me laughing always. my roommate molly is 7 shades more girly than i will ever be, but it is with her and lily that i am closest. what is life if not for laughter? after worship and pathetic attempts to scrounge for food, molly and i decided to get something from sonic. conversations with molly are some of my faves. we started to roll up to school and decided to keep driving instead. sweet to my soul. we shared life and stories and fears. it was cool cause i didnt start the conversation and that felt nice for once. word vomits spilled out as our confessions were caught in the mini van. so beautiful. what shouldve been a 15 minute drive ended sometime around 1am. and if you know me, now is your cue to smile and laugh because you know thats my favorite sort of night.
for as bold as some of you seem to think i am, ive got a backpack with a few fears in it. a couple of em show up in friendships, and unfortunately, their roots are deep from years of growth and their ends are well hidden. the tools i have arent quite enough yet. fears that friends will hear of my life and abandon me. that i am unworthy. inescapable humanity. these are a couple of my demons and most days i dont have to deal with them because the Lord has given me grace and healing. but sometimes they return. last night/this morning was a good reminder that though they cling, they dont have to dictate my life. so molly and i waded through some of each others messes and it was good. to be known and near.
in my downtime at the airport i will write a million things that i learned this summer, but for now all i know is that it is well with my soul.
2 songs and food for thought.
"we are crooked souls trying to stand up
straight dry eyes in the pouring rain
the shadow proves the sunshine"
and
"hey unfaithful i will teach you to be stronger to be stronger hey ungraceful i will teach you to forgive one another hey unloving i will love you"
sweet to my soul, over and over again.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
cmon skinny love.
i get that its probably super unnecessary to post as much as i do, but who cares. i dont, and im the one writing. bam.
currently sitting on my porch waiting for this thunderstorm to roll through. i am realizing that it probably wont but the cracking thunder is enough to remind me that God is near. i really think that thunderstorms are more of my love language than quality time. my most intimate moment with God took place in the middle of one of the most insane storms ive ever seen. no coincidence. it reminds me that God is all about the process, every piece, every time. i will never be as strong as a thunderstorm. no matter how much i run, no matter how many pushups i do, no matter how much i work out. and anything i build with my hands can be destroyed by a storm. it is a humbling thought. maybe it should be terrifying but its not, i love it. i love knowing that i am not in control and that most of what i do will more than likely break down at some point. i am still responsible for the work of my hands, but with an understanding that the path of the world does not rest on my shoulders. praise God. literally. get it? haha, love bad jokes. forever and always.
still sick at camp which is a bummer, but Gods grace is so near and present and inescapable.
currently sitting on my porch waiting for this thunderstorm to roll through. i am realizing that it probably wont but the cracking thunder is enough to remind me that God is near. i really think that thunderstorms are more of my love language than quality time. my most intimate moment with God took place in the middle of one of the most insane storms ive ever seen. no coincidence. it reminds me that God is all about the process, every piece, every time. i will never be as strong as a thunderstorm. no matter how much i run, no matter how many pushups i do, no matter how much i work out. and anything i build with my hands can be destroyed by a storm. it is a humbling thought. maybe it should be terrifying but its not, i love it. i love knowing that i am not in control and that most of what i do will more than likely break down at some point. i am still responsible for the work of my hands, but with an understanding that the path of the world does not rest on my shoulders. praise God. literally. get it? haha, love bad jokes. forever and always.
still sick at camp which is a bummer, but Gods grace is so near and present and inescapable.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
atlas hands
i am convinced our Lord laughs often.
all of our campers left yesterday and many of us happily waved is week has been absurd. in all of that though, i think my favorite time of all was thursday night. to put it mildly, this whole week has been a show. thursday night during response time and worship, so many people let tears fall. hearts in the room were honest and it was awesome. sometimes, the best you can do in worship is cease singing. to let yourself fall into the chorus of voices and remember that it really is all about being parts of one body. i could sit in that for hours and never get bored. God is funny in the way he creates us. after worship finished we all met at the front like we normally do, but it was better than normal cause we all fell into each others arms. some people cried but we all loved and it was really beautiful to watch. we really are a community and we really would do just about anything for each other. as much as the week had challenge and hard and even painful for some people, it was such a beautiful picture of love.
in an old bible study, we were asked what wisdom truly is. my initial answer was that wisdom was knowing the right thing to do and doing it. while it might still be that, i think it is something more like a pair of glasses. i think wisdom is the ability to see a situation in the way that God sees it. sometimes i think that encompasses moving into action as well. in some cases i think it is just sitting though. watching things and being able to embrace the moment before you. thats how it felt the other night. all 17 of us ended up on one side of the room, squeezing into the tiny aisle that we chose for ourselves, climbing in and out of arms that felt like home. our videographer stays up super late on thursday nights so several of us sat around in the staff lounge and hung out till some crazy hour in the morning. and that too was beautiful. my favorite time to be with God is in those early morning hours. it is also the time i am most resentful of my inability to sleep, but on nights like thursday, ill totally take it. most of the room had filtered out so that the only people left were kyle (asleep like an accordian in the chair by the door), mary katherine on our makeshift sofa, daniel on the couch and molly stretched out across us both. everyone started feeling asleep and it was cool because we knew the kind of exhausting days that each person had. daniel eventually left and molly finished out the crowd by falling asleep. it was unquestionably my favorite moment. i think sleep is this crazy beautiful piece of grace that we miss. our body literally craves it and we turn into ahole zombies when we dont get enough. but we forget that there is so much peace in sleep. sometimes we have dreams that chase away and wake us up feeling frantic, but on the whole, sleep is a time to restore. to redeem and start over. i think about sleep a lot, mostly cause its not easy for me to find. but in thinking about it, i thank God so much more for it. if you dont feel safe, or at least comfortable in a room, you wont sleep. your mind is wired to protect you and it wont let it happen, so it amazes me that 17 people who have known each other for a month can fall asleep together. i accept all creeper associations for this, but watching someone fall asleep is one of the most beautiful things in the world. maybe i am destined to become a mom. who the hell knows? daniel left and everyone was asleep but molly and me. she had a shambles day with a lot of confusion and questions, so when her breathing changed the way it does when you finally let go, there was a sense of victory and an obvious showing of grace. we are so small when we sleep. so young and so peaceful. in our sleep, we forget that God gives it to us for grace. we could be like sharks who never sleep, or some seals who have to wrap themselves in seaweed so they dont float away. we could be left in oceans to sleep or in trees, or in caves, but were not. at least not here. we all fell asleep in warmth and quiet and found the peaceful place that all of us were looking for. lets give God credit for some of his intentionality. not only do we get sunrises and a new start every single day, but he gives us about 8 our to restore and recharge before that display of hope. like not only does he give us a new blank piece of paper, but he gives us a prompt 8 hours ahead and gives us ideas so we can start. what a phenomenal God.
switch gears. stewardship is probably one of my favorite words. not probably, it is. the more i study and invest in faith, the more convinced i am that God is crafty because it is both a confusing complex "answer" to life, but it is also enjoyably simple. i dont think God is keeping a tally of how many people we bring to himself, or how many houses we build in south america. i think those things are great but i think he just wants us to love our neighbor well and to use well what we've been given. all he asks is for us to steward well. all he asks. youll laugh at that if you think about it long enough. because it is so simple, and yet it is not. my friend lily keeps having campers with messy lives, and they confide in her and it is a heavy burden some nights. i thought about zippy and tia from sbp and how they were given the phrase, "stewards of pain". that thought has radically changed my outlook on things. lily is a great steward of pain. i do not believe it is an accident that she keeps having those campers in her group. i pray that in these last 2 weeks especially that i would steward well what ive been given. ive got phenomenal relationships with this community. we're already making new years plans and its awesome. i want to care for those relationships and garden well. i want to keep growing and living and loving.
i was talking to lily yesterday while reading my evaluations and she said i would make a good pastor or shepherd. and i felt pretty honored in that. i have a lot to learn for sure, and i have zero intentions of becoming a full time preacher, but it was encouraging cause ive thought about that a lot lately.
reminded that i want to steward well there. and everywhere else too. i heard this song somewhere and i love it. its dark and all that crap, but such is life and sometimes you spend the night there too. we are human, not much more, but still a little bit in between. a good reminder to hold on tightly to the light, and if you cant, to find a hand to hold in the meantime. this live is filled with so much grace, so i pray that we would find the right glasses so we can be invited into the world where graces are everywhere. it is much easier to say thanks when you can see it happening, not just the aftermath. cheers to you God, because you really are all about the process.
Well I knew
What I didn't want to know
And I saw
Where I didn't want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I'm gone...
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/lily-kershaw-as-it-seems-lyrics.html ]
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
all of our campers left yesterday and many of us happily waved is week has been absurd. in all of that though, i think my favorite time of all was thursday night. to put it mildly, this whole week has been a show. thursday night during response time and worship, so many people let tears fall. hearts in the room were honest and it was awesome. sometimes, the best you can do in worship is cease singing. to let yourself fall into the chorus of voices and remember that it really is all about being parts of one body. i could sit in that for hours and never get bored. God is funny in the way he creates us. after worship finished we all met at the front like we normally do, but it was better than normal cause we all fell into each others arms. some people cried but we all loved and it was really beautiful to watch. we really are a community and we really would do just about anything for each other. as much as the week had challenge and hard and even painful for some people, it was such a beautiful picture of love.
in an old bible study, we were asked what wisdom truly is. my initial answer was that wisdom was knowing the right thing to do and doing it. while it might still be that, i think it is something more like a pair of glasses. i think wisdom is the ability to see a situation in the way that God sees it. sometimes i think that encompasses moving into action as well. in some cases i think it is just sitting though. watching things and being able to embrace the moment before you. thats how it felt the other night. all 17 of us ended up on one side of the room, squeezing into the tiny aisle that we chose for ourselves, climbing in and out of arms that felt like home. our videographer stays up super late on thursday nights so several of us sat around in the staff lounge and hung out till some crazy hour in the morning. and that too was beautiful. my favorite time to be with God is in those early morning hours. it is also the time i am most resentful of my inability to sleep, but on nights like thursday, ill totally take it. most of the room had filtered out so that the only people left were kyle (asleep like an accordian in the chair by the door), mary katherine on our makeshift sofa, daniel on the couch and molly stretched out across us both. everyone started feeling asleep and it was cool because we knew the kind of exhausting days that each person had. daniel eventually left and molly finished out the crowd by falling asleep. it was unquestionably my favorite moment. i think sleep is this crazy beautiful piece of grace that we miss. our body literally craves it and we turn into ahole zombies when we dont get enough. but we forget that there is so much peace in sleep. sometimes we have dreams that chase away and wake us up feeling frantic, but on the whole, sleep is a time to restore. to redeem and start over. i think about sleep a lot, mostly cause its not easy for me to find. but in thinking about it, i thank God so much more for it. if you dont feel safe, or at least comfortable in a room, you wont sleep. your mind is wired to protect you and it wont let it happen, so it amazes me that 17 people who have known each other for a month can fall asleep together. i accept all creeper associations for this, but watching someone fall asleep is one of the most beautiful things in the world. maybe i am destined to become a mom. who the hell knows? daniel left and everyone was asleep but molly and me. she had a shambles day with a lot of confusion and questions, so when her breathing changed the way it does when you finally let go, there was a sense of victory and an obvious showing of grace. we are so small when we sleep. so young and so peaceful. in our sleep, we forget that God gives it to us for grace. we could be like sharks who never sleep, or some seals who have to wrap themselves in seaweed so they dont float away. we could be left in oceans to sleep or in trees, or in caves, but were not. at least not here. we all fell asleep in warmth and quiet and found the peaceful place that all of us were looking for. lets give God credit for some of his intentionality. not only do we get sunrises and a new start every single day, but he gives us about 8 our to restore and recharge before that display of hope. like not only does he give us a new blank piece of paper, but he gives us a prompt 8 hours ahead and gives us ideas so we can start. what a phenomenal God.
switch gears. stewardship is probably one of my favorite words. not probably, it is. the more i study and invest in faith, the more convinced i am that God is crafty because it is both a confusing complex "answer" to life, but it is also enjoyably simple. i dont think God is keeping a tally of how many people we bring to himself, or how many houses we build in south america. i think those things are great but i think he just wants us to love our neighbor well and to use well what we've been given. all he asks is for us to steward well. all he asks. youll laugh at that if you think about it long enough. because it is so simple, and yet it is not. my friend lily keeps having campers with messy lives, and they confide in her and it is a heavy burden some nights. i thought about zippy and tia from sbp and how they were given the phrase, "stewards of pain". that thought has radically changed my outlook on things. lily is a great steward of pain. i do not believe it is an accident that she keeps having those campers in her group. i pray that in these last 2 weeks especially that i would steward well what ive been given. ive got phenomenal relationships with this community. we're already making new years plans and its awesome. i want to care for those relationships and garden well. i want to keep growing and living and loving.
i was talking to lily yesterday while reading my evaluations and she said i would make a good pastor or shepherd. and i felt pretty honored in that. i have a lot to learn for sure, and i have zero intentions of becoming a full time preacher, but it was encouraging cause ive thought about that a lot lately.
reminded that i want to steward well there. and everywhere else too. i heard this song somewhere and i love it. its dark and all that crap, but such is life and sometimes you spend the night there too. we are human, not much more, but still a little bit in between. a good reminder to hold on tightly to the light, and if you cant, to find a hand to hold in the meantime. this live is filled with so much grace, so i pray that we would find the right glasses so we can be invited into the world where graces are everywhere. it is much easier to say thanks when you can see it happening, not just the aftermath. cheers to you God, because you really are all about the process.
Well I knew
What I didn't want to know
And I saw
Where I didn't want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I'm gone...
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/lily-kershaw-as-it-seems-lyrics.html ]
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing's ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
Friday, July 13, 2012
and its hard to dance with the devil on your back
i like to keep my issues drawn, its always darkest before the dawn.
may we proudly raise our glasses to weeks like this, and their close end. this week was full of very unexpected demands on our entire team. a lot of crying, but a lot of peace, and a lot of hugging and laughing and just loving each other well. we've all been tired, but the week has been covered in fog and well hidden potholes. in watching my friends cry, i have been reminded again of God and his constant presence. ive watched him move mountains and melt hearts. we really are the hands and feet of Christ. ive watched that a million times this week and ive been thankful every time.
and in that, it does not surprise me that my demons came out from their rafters. we have a running joke of brokenness within our team. and as i hugged and prayed and tried to love, i realized that the thing that will break will not be external. it will always be the monsters in my head that greet me with claws drawn. wrestling has been familiar territory without question, but it those quiet moments between sentences, we are sometimes reminded of our humanity. earlier this week i was reminded of what it felt like to be dark again. to know confusion and fear more than peace and wholeness. it seems silly, but i was thankful for that too. just to remember that my wires might be frayed, but they arent severed. in this long season of grace and peace, i have certainly cried a few times, but i have been unfamiliar with the night. but it was found again. sometimes, it takes just a simple thing to remind you of where you have been. where blood has been shed and healing hasnt had the last word. i forget sometimes because right now my life is sweet and flooded with grace. the cool part was the provision. perhaps that is always the cool part. some stories do not fit in a 7 week rotation and contexts cant be explained to new ears. the same night i found myself challenged, i got to hang out with kelly montgomery. i texted my close friends and asked for prayer, and from new friends, i asked for space. hanging with kelly was just good. it was nice to be with someone who knows me, someone who knows the faces that belong to my references and stories. we shared life and connected points that had previously remained dots. and things made sense. we woke up in the morning and shared more thoughts over breakfast. it was good to my soul. but sometimes, when things catch you off guard, it drains you and you cant do anything about it. and unfortunately, it wasnt something i was capable of explaining. and if it had been a hit from one direction, i could have taken a swing, but unfortunately, that wasnt the case either. the cool thing though? i couldnt have explained anything, even if someone had asked, but my team loved me anyways. everyone has been super intentional this week because we are all in weird places. this is all i know. the mess of life wrapped its strong hands around my neck and the people ive spent the last 4 weeks with responded by removing the fingers of haunting yesteryears. and for that i am so thankful.
last night at worship, molly hit the most soulful intentional freaking glorious notes ive ever heard her sing. and it was incredible. every day, weve come into the staff lounge with mess. some people have cried, some have yelled, and the lucky have cussed. but in the last 48 hours there has been so much peace for each of us. watching molly worship with her whole heart changed things. it tipped the scales and brought us all back home, because love will bring you home. tonight after the service, we all group hugged. some people were still crying, some praying, but there was so much peace. and that is the glory of community. you cant know until you do.
i kept coming up with clever lines and good writing to impress myself and my supposed audience but thats a bunch of crap. this week has been hard. it kicked me down in ways that prevented me from asking for help. maybe that will change, but im not sure. but Gods intentionality reminds me that my memory back drops came at a time where i couldnt not reach my inner circle in the ways i normally would. perhaps i will be brave. perhaps i will not. perhaps it is wise to walk around with my issues drawn. who knows. this i do know though. i love my team more than ive loved community in a while. thankful that the Lord gave me the BRCC summer group before i came here. that he gave me my soccer girls and good friends who return the favor. that he prepared my heart to be here. we would do well to remember that our demons are never far, that they merely sit in the rafters sometimes. the Lord is good and he protects. but sometimes we must face our demons with brave faces and fists. sometimes with open hands and gentleness too. and often times, in unfamiliar territories.
im listening to a song called as it seems by lily kershaw and its awesome.
its hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off.
may we proudly raise our glasses to weeks like this, and their close end. this week was full of very unexpected demands on our entire team. a lot of crying, but a lot of peace, and a lot of hugging and laughing and just loving each other well. we've all been tired, but the week has been covered in fog and well hidden potholes. in watching my friends cry, i have been reminded again of God and his constant presence. ive watched him move mountains and melt hearts. we really are the hands and feet of Christ. ive watched that a million times this week and ive been thankful every time.
and in that, it does not surprise me that my demons came out from their rafters. we have a running joke of brokenness within our team. and as i hugged and prayed and tried to love, i realized that the thing that will break will not be external. it will always be the monsters in my head that greet me with claws drawn. wrestling has been familiar territory without question, but it those quiet moments between sentences, we are sometimes reminded of our humanity. earlier this week i was reminded of what it felt like to be dark again. to know confusion and fear more than peace and wholeness. it seems silly, but i was thankful for that too. just to remember that my wires might be frayed, but they arent severed. in this long season of grace and peace, i have certainly cried a few times, but i have been unfamiliar with the night. but it was found again. sometimes, it takes just a simple thing to remind you of where you have been. where blood has been shed and healing hasnt had the last word. i forget sometimes because right now my life is sweet and flooded with grace. the cool part was the provision. perhaps that is always the cool part. some stories do not fit in a 7 week rotation and contexts cant be explained to new ears. the same night i found myself challenged, i got to hang out with kelly montgomery. i texted my close friends and asked for prayer, and from new friends, i asked for space. hanging with kelly was just good. it was nice to be with someone who knows me, someone who knows the faces that belong to my references and stories. we shared life and connected points that had previously remained dots. and things made sense. we woke up in the morning and shared more thoughts over breakfast. it was good to my soul. but sometimes, when things catch you off guard, it drains you and you cant do anything about it. and unfortunately, it wasnt something i was capable of explaining. and if it had been a hit from one direction, i could have taken a swing, but unfortunately, that wasnt the case either. the cool thing though? i couldnt have explained anything, even if someone had asked, but my team loved me anyways. everyone has been super intentional this week because we are all in weird places. this is all i know. the mess of life wrapped its strong hands around my neck and the people ive spent the last 4 weeks with responded by removing the fingers of haunting yesteryears. and for that i am so thankful.
last night at worship, molly hit the most soulful intentional freaking glorious notes ive ever heard her sing. and it was incredible. every day, weve come into the staff lounge with mess. some people have cried, some have yelled, and the lucky have cussed. but in the last 48 hours there has been so much peace for each of us. watching molly worship with her whole heart changed things. it tipped the scales and brought us all back home, because love will bring you home. tonight after the service, we all group hugged. some people were still crying, some praying, but there was so much peace. and that is the glory of community. you cant know until you do.
i kept coming up with clever lines and good writing to impress myself and my supposed audience but thats a bunch of crap. this week has been hard. it kicked me down in ways that prevented me from asking for help. maybe that will change, but im not sure. but Gods intentionality reminds me that my memory back drops came at a time where i couldnt not reach my inner circle in the ways i normally would. perhaps i will be brave. perhaps i will not. perhaps it is wise to walk around with my issues drawn. who knows. this i do know though. i love my team more than ive loved community in a while. thankful that the Lord gave me the BRCC summer group before i came here. that he gave me my soccer girls and good friends who return the favor. that he prepared my heart to be here. we would do well to remember that our demons are never far, that they merely sit in the rafters sometimes. the Lord is good and he protects. but sometimes we must face our demons with brave faces and fists. sometimes with open hands and gentleness too. and often times, in unfamiliar territories.
im listening to a song called as it seems by lily kershaw and its awesome.
its hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
drew holcomb.
"America and Tom Petty.
To me, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the epitome of American Rock N Roll. Starting out as a Gainesville FL bar band, they journeyed across American to LA where they became the standard in outdoor feel good summer loving American music. Their shows are a great big sing-a-long, where you hear hit after hit. "American Girl" "Don't Do Me Like That", "Even the Losers", "Runnin Down a Dream" are just a small sampling of my personal favorites. They are a band that sings of possibility. In 2008, Ellie and I went out to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Music Festival to see Radiohead, Wilco, Bon Iver, but most importantly, for my first Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers show. After an hour and half of epic rock n roll, Tom strapped on his 12 string, Mike Campbell put down his Les Paul and picked up a mandolin, and Benmont grabbed his accordion, and the rest of the band took a break. They quietly began "Learning to Fly" and even though I had heard the song a hundred times before, this was the first time I heard the words.
Some say life will beat you down, it'll break your heart and steal your crown,
But I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.
These lyrics are a truth bonanza, where the pain of disappointment is only overcome by the hope that you can try again. As he sang in front of 60,000 that night, Tom Petty understood that arrival is a myth and the journey is the point, no matter where it takes you." -drew holcomb.
yes please yes please.
To me, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the epitome of American Rock N Roll. Starting out as a Gainesville FL bar band, they journeyed across American to LA where they became the standard in outdoor feel good summer loving American music. Their shows are a great big sing-a-long, where you hear hit after hit. "American Girl" "Don't Do Me Like That", "Even the Losers", "Runnin Down a Dream" are just a small sampling of my personal favorites. They are a band that sings of possibility. In 2008, Ellie and I went out to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Music Festival to see Radiohead, Wilco, Bon Iver, but most importantly, for my first Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers show. After an hour and half of epic rock n roll, Tom strapped on his 12 string, Mike Campbell put down his Les Paul and picked up a mandolin, and Benmont grabbed his accordion, and the rest of the band took a break. They quietly began "Learning to Fly" and even though I had heard the song a hundred times before, this was the first time I heard the words.
Some say life will beat you down, it'll break your heart and steal your crown,
But I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.
These lyrics are a truth bonanza, where the pain of disappointment is only overcome by the hope that you can try again. As he sang in front of 60,000 that night, Tom Petty understood that arrival is a myth and the journey is the point, no matter where it takes you." -drew holcomb.
yes please yes please.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
season of learning.
my favorite quote of the day.
"i'm glad we met each other when we did becuase then we might not have liked each other and that would have been a shame to me and also to my itunes library. " -lydia fuller.
amen to that.
"i'm glad we met each other when we did becuase then we might not have liked each other and that would have been a shame to me and also to my itunes library. " -lydia fuller.
amen to that.
traveling mercies
yep. anne lamott.
i feel like the learning and the grace and the mercy never ends. i guess they dont. we traveled this weekend. left mercer behind, left mrs webb and mr webb, left a house chipped then painted, left madison and cody on the volleyball courts at way-too-late hours. left macon georgia. such is life and seasons change. it was sweeter than i was ready for.
in the last week, i think ive hit walls, pillows, and a whole spectrum of emotions. which is good for me, cause sometimes i turn my heart off and keep going. good thing the Lord is all about breaking that habit. my car is being a tool. its still messed up and then my window fell through the door, the cord wrapped itself around the handle so you cant open the door, and when i took it in to get it looked at, he said it would take 2 hours at least and 495$. good thing that all of this is 2 days before i leave it in macon for a whole month. clearly, i was pissed. my parents gave grace though and gave it deep. they drove up from tampa as soon as they got off of work and picked up my car. i am continuously reminded of how much grace they give me. constantly bombarded by forgiveness and just really good love. the Lord mends hearts and homes. ive watched it. and maybe yours isnt mended yet, but i pray that you find it.
i came back to camp and was angry, which i havent been in a hot minute. prayed and asked God to point me to its source and found it. most of the things that get us fired up are just echoes of old wounds. and we would do well to ask before we cuss, but like everyone else in the world, im just not that wise and self-controlled yet. i like cuss words a lot, so maybe ill never be that way. but we can dream right? so i came back and my director let me go back to my room and it was great. packed and showered and had time to process. time to call out some of my old wounds by name and bury them in their rightful graves. and it was so liberating. sometimes i think we work so much and are so tired that we dont notices things baring their weight on us. i eventually laid on my floor and prayed and closed my eyes. i swear to you i could feel jesus sitting next to me the whole time. and the weight that i hadnt noticed was lifted. those are the moments i savor. i have a lot of trouble sleeping and honestly, naps are more just me closing my eyes and finding rest in my mind. normally, that makes me frustrated because people have been sleeping and napping since birth, so why cant i get it right? but in those moments, where my soul is healed and the Lord is near, i am thankful for my inability to sleep. i am thankful that i can savor the time and embrace it consciously, not sleeping through such a beautiful moment. i didnt even realize that i had anxiety sitting on my shoulders, but after that it was gone and i was soft again. strong but definitely soft.
after work, my parents drove up. instead of seeing a movie, i hung out with molly and lily. we had some awesome girl time, talking about boys and life and sharing stuff. it was good to my soul, to live and laugh and trust, and then laugh some more. theyre so goofy and i am so thankful to know both of them. my parents got there and we ate at applebees. we were the only white people in the whole place and got mad stares when we walked in. i loved it. i am such nerd and love that sort of thing. its like high school all over again. my friend manuela and i made a challenge for ourselves to sit at a new table at least once every week, preferably of a different demographic. if they said no, that was fine, but if they didnt we would get to know people. one of the best things ive ever done. it was good to talk to my parents and share life. to be 22 and have a loving daughter relationship with them. if you know my context, you know the sweetness of that. we laughed over a few things and talked about graduation weekend. caught my dads eye one good time and remembered that im his daughter. laughed with my mom and knew i was hers too. and sometimes thats just sweet. it is good to call things by their right names. i am excited and nervous to go home. more so excited though. fell asleep soft and smiling, and that is the best kind.
they came to meet me before i left and met some folks. theyre the kind of parents you can brag about. got in the vans and started our 8 hour drive. initially, i was annoyed and tired and not responding well to my circumstances. then things changed and i passed out on the floor in the back. daniel hamby and kyle alexander and i all fell asleep, head phones in and speakers empty in the back. i loved the time to process and be still. my heart is doing funny things and its nice and i look forward to sorting it. but not right now. i already texted april and requested hang time haha. but it was good to travel. something about that sort of movement is good for my soul. my introvert was well fed and rested. i look forward to flying home at the end. got in and unloaded everything in like no time. freaking awesome. katy came with her husband adam. its cool cause even when he wasnt here, it was obvious that she loved him. marriage always amazes me a little bit. 2 people got together, saw something good, dealt with crap and each others messiness, and said, you know, youre still alright, lets do this for as long as were here. and thats cool to me. emily and chris are a great married couple too. i like seeing couples who are married, but not clingy or obnoxiously touchy. but when you see them together, its obvious that they love each other.
im reading traveling mercies by anne lamott and its great. but its dinner time now, so ill finish this later maybe.
im happy to have you home.
i feel like the learning and the grace and the mercy never ends. i guess they dont. we traveled this weekend. left mercer behind, left mrs webb and mr webb, left a house chipped then painted, left madison and cody on the volleyball courts at way-too-late hours. left macon georgia. such is life and seasons change. it was sweeter than i was ready for.
in the last week, i think ive hit walls, pillows, and a whole spectrum of emotions. which is good for me, cause sometimes i turn my heart off and keep going. good thing the Lord is all about breaking that habit. my car is being a tool. its still messed up and then my window fell through the door, the cord wrapped itself around the handle so you cant open the door, and when i took it in to get it looked at, he said it would take 2 hours at least and 495$. good thing that all of this is 2 days before i leave it in macon for a whole month. clearly, i was pissed. my parents gave grace though and gave it deep. they drove up from tampa as soon as they got off of work and picked up my car. i am continuously reminded of how much grace they give me. constantly bombarded by forgiveness and just really good love. the Lord mends hearts and homes. ive watched it. and maybe yours isnt mended yet, but i pray that you find it.
i came back to camp and was angry, which i havent been in a hot minute. prayed and asked God to point me to its source and found it. most of the things that get us fired up are just echoes of old wounds. and we would do well to ask before we cuss, but like everyone else in the world, im just not that wise and self-controlled yet. i like cuss words a lot, so maybe ill never be that way. but we can dream right? so i came back and my director let me go back to my room and it was great. packed and showered and had time to process. time to call out some of my old wounds by name and bury them in their rightful graves. and it was so liberating. sometimes i think we work so much and are so tired that we dont notices things baring their weight on us. i eventually laid on my floor and prayed and closed my eyes. i swear to you i could feel jesus sitting next to me the whole time. and the weight that i hadnt noticed was lifted. those are the moments i savor. i have a lot of trouble sleeping and honestly, naps are more just me closing my eyes and finding rest in my mind. normally, that makes me frustrated because people have been sleeping and napping since birth, so why cant i get it right? but in those moments, where my soul is healed and the Lord is near, i am thankful for my inability to sleep. i am thankful that i can savor the time and embrace it consciously, not sleeping through such a beautiful moment. i didnt even realize that i had anxiety sitting on my shoulders, but after that it was gone and i was soft again. strong but definitely soft.
after work, my parents drove up. instead of seeing a movie, i hung out with molly and lily. we had some awesome girl time, talking about boys and life and sharing stuff. it was good to my soul, to live and laugh and trust, and then laugh some more. theyre so goofy and i am so thankful to know both of them. my parents got there and we ate at applebees. we were the only white people in the whole place and got mad stares when we walked in. i loved it. i am such nerd and love that sort of thing. its like high school all over again. my friend manuela and i made a challenge for ourselves to sit at a new table at least once every week, preferably of a different demographic. if they said no, that was fine, but if they didnt we would get to know people. one of the best things ive ever done. it was good to talk to my parents and share life. to be 22 and have a loving daughter relationship with them. if you know my context, you know the sweetness of that. we laughed over a few things and talked about graduation weekend. caught my dads eye one good time and remembered that im his daughter. laughed with my mom and knew i was hers too. and sometimes thats just sweet. it is good to call things by their right names. i am excited and nervous to go home. more so excited though. fell asleep soft and smiling, and that is the best kind.
they came to meet me before i left and met some folks. theyre the kind of parents you can brag about. got in the vans and started our 8 hour drive. initially, i was annoyed and tired and not responding well to my circumstances. then things changed and i passed out on the floor in the back. daniel hamby and kyle alexander and i all fell asleep, head phones in and speakers empty in the back. i loved the time to process and be still. my heart is doing funny things and its nice and i look forward to sorting it. but not right now. i already texted april and requested hang time haha. but it was good to travel. something about that sort of movement is good for my soul. my introvert was well fed and rested. i look forward to flying home at the end. got in and unloaded everything in like no time. freaking awesome. katy came with her husband adam. its cool cause even when he wasnt here, it was obvious that she loved him. marriage always amazes me a little bit. 2 people got together, saw something good, dealt with crap and each others messiness, and said, you know, youre still alright, lets do this for as long as were here. and thats cool to me. emily and chris are a great married couple too. i like seeing couples who are married, but not clingy or obnoxiously touchy. but when you see them together, its obvious that they love each other.
im reading traveling mercies by anne lamott and its great. but its dinner time now, so ill finish this later maybe.
im happy to have you home.
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