aint nothing like the real thing.

"You're dangerous 'cause you're honest 
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want 
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot 
For any spirit to haunt"

drew holcomb just released a new cd with covers and its called "through the night". when i slow down in my own life, i can appreciate the title and the season. here is to nights and sunrises. here is to hoping and clinging. but in addition, here is to hopefulness and laughing freely. he does not wait.

i have wondered recently about salvation and faith. what is the point of salvation? like really, step back and ask what Jesus is saving you from. as nice as heaven sounds, and as cool as the afterlife might be, im not sure thats it. i mean maybe thats there too, but the way Jesus walks around and does life implies something more immediate. something more here and now. like the kingdom of heaven. its not the future, its immediate. i used to think that Jesus saved us from ourselves (and he does, i still agree at some level) and i am definitely thankful for being rescued from the dominion of darkness and my own demons who wait for me in the night. i know there is grace there too. but i have wondered lately if it less about saving us from something and more about saving us into something. rescue implies moving away from something that causes you pain and putting distance between that thing and yourself. thats pretty healthy and reasonable. but i think the lord works deeper than that. i think salvation is about integration. becoming whole and complete. facing your life and knowing that your hands are responsible. that the demons that haunt you are in your own head most days. that you cant separate yourself and run like hell, cause thats stupid and you cant run from yourself. too revealing? maybs. who cares. i think the lord makes you take an honest look at your life, knowing that he is sitting next to you while you do so. i think he wants you to weep in the places that are wounded so he can heal. i think he wants you to yell in the places that are unjust, cause he hears that too, and he responds. i think he wants you to laugh where you've found freedom, knowing that its not about the environment youre in or the people youre with, but instead that something in your soul knows joys and laughter is the grace escaping your lips. it seems inconsistent with his character for him to put something in your life and just toss it when the time is up. my God doesnt waste. he stewards his resources well and puts everything to use. are we willing to join? only sometimes. 

running is easy and distance takes nothing. ceasing to feel pain is just a matter of disconnecting the right wires at the rights times. rewiring things. but in disconnecting wires, you lose feeling all together. in some seasons, that is the only option. and i get that. but there is something so dangerous and damaging about that. i dont live there anymore for the most part. but i have learned in this seasons where ive sought out character and integrity that God rarely wants me to disconnect. he wants me engaged, confused heart and all. ive had an incredible year. laughing, love, provision, healing, reconciliation, forgiveness and just grace after grace after grace. but i think it is time to face a few things in my life. and i am ready to do so. i have graduated college and it is time to face my years at the webb in sobriety, calling things by their right names, and acknowledging the effects of my life. the impacts of others, the messages i accepted and rejected. and im ready for that too. ive worked through a good portion of my life and its been pretty great. pretty damn hard too, but so good. ive got a few loose ends to work out and im looking forward to doing it, so i can move on and let go. let the dust settle where it needs to and wake with the sunrise. 

i ramble so much. but if im a fool, it makes you all the more, cause you read it ;-) jokes. who knows. do i have an audience? maybs. i am so thankful for my campers. i am learning so much and equally being reminded of things too. there is one guy named danny who came in quiet with side swept bangs and black converse. tonight at our dance party, he asked me if he could give me a hug and he smiled. all day today, you could see both of his eyes, and he laughed. and i loved it more than most things because it was a sweet reminder of the grace we get to be apart of. we're working on a house for the webbs. they live in a run down part of town but they love the lord deeper and longer than i can dream. mrs webb and i sat together on the porch today and talked. her soul is beautiful. shes 80 years old and she loves jesus. i mentioned that i was a hebrew student and she told me that she raised 3 jewish boys and she loved them like they were her own. mrs webb was like the women in the help. that blows my mind. i couldve sat on that porch with her all day and thought nothing of it. and maybe i will on saturday, or tomorrow when my campers leave.

all i know is that the lord loves and he asks us to remember. who we are, where were from, what weve done, what we believe, who we belong to, what our aspirations and hopes are, and that every person we come in contact is trying to figure out those things too. 

drew holcomb, you sing so well to  my soul. 

thankful thankful thankful.

honestly though, its almost crazy how thankful i am right now. first off, im def watching a documentary on sharks. so right there, we know its going to be a good night.


is catching up on the last month even relevant? nahh. but maybe it is, sweeter context. my life is still good. i have been all kinds of thankful, but i def had a tough week. came off of a weekend where life was less than restful, had my gps stolen, my radio ripped out, my wires cut, my dashboard messed up, and my car would randomly turn off. there is a degree to which i can run with it and be alright, but that point had passed. nothing was world ending, but it was the first SOLID week where i was annoyed. i dropped a good bit of cash on my car, and its still broken. i dont know whats wrong with it and i had to drive to macon for camp. the timing of all of this was the week before i left for summer camp. God's grace is good there too. the week i planned to use for rest before a high energy summer turned into a week of working extra (my bosses gma passed away unexpectedly), dropping a couple paychecks on my car to no improvement, and moving all of my stuff from one house to another. not so restful. all that to say, i still know the Lord is good. 


but the past week.. its absurd. i am so crazy thankful. im working for a youth camp that i never went to and its awesome. a lot of friends in high school told me i should go, but i paid for my own camps so it was passport or student life. student life won out. anyways, none of these people know me and already something feels like home. its extra cool because in the last few years, i have been very slow to trust and hesitant to let quick relationships take root. who knew that i would be like that, but thats where i am and have been this year, for better or worse. i am so thankful. thankful to work for a camp like passport where equality is encouraged, and where women can be in the pulpit. where God is not male or female and you cant throw around the term, "you guys". thankful to be at a camp where my director is well balanced and has a bunch of integrity that i can respect. thankful for being on a team filled with intentional people. with people like lily, who should seriously be on snl, and people like molly who might be the girliest person here, but who is definitely a total boss. thankful for life sharing conversations over chai tea and for kickball games at 11pm. we found a pile of snow (maybe ice?) and had a snowball fight. we all laughed and made fun of each other and it was so free. the laughter was easy and there was no script. everyone sat inside their own skin and for the last play of the game, we all ran around the base at the same time. before we went out, we prayed for camp as a team, which ive never done before. the closest ive been to ministry on a team is praying and communicating with my mentor in college. otherwise its always been independent, whether it was designed that way or not. maybe counseling was good for a few more things this year. 


in several conversations, i have been reminded of the blessing of community. working independently is not hard for me. being by myself yields little challenge. i am not afraid of being alone. i think from the last few years i have grown to fear intimate relationships again. or maybe i never fully understood them to begin with. maybe thats not appropriate to say in a public blog. then again rarely are things that i say or think appropriate. whatevs. anyways, community. community is a sweet thing. something i found this year in a lot of cool unplanned places. but i found it here too and that is what i am most thankful for. i sat down with my director and talked about how he doesnt have to worry about team chemistry with us. we're all a little weird but we work. everyone here is willing to laugh, but switch gears and do theology conversations too. we have fears and dreams and we laugh to loud sometimes. when we prayed tonight, it was sweet to my soul. sweet to talk to the Lord with a chorus of voices, not just my own. with hearts on strings and heads on knees. it was something beautiful that i had almost forgotten about. when i get frustrated or upset (or when i feel hurt, admittedly or not) i instantly isolate and draw away from relationships. so for the last week i was in the springs, i was withdrawn and tired. here i am welcomed in that. such a good reminder of the Lord's faithfulness. i used to think i could operate without a community. in some ways i can, but if i want to really live, i should love and be loved.


on an unrelated note, i am thankful that tomorrow is my day off. thankful for time to get away and think and process. i think there are a couple loose ends to tie up before the summer starts. it sounds dumb, but i want to write out all the places that feel unresolved, and i want to let them go, or let them heal. probs both for some things. if im honest, ive still got a couple heart wounds and its time to stop closing my eyes to them, because at this point, it would just be so i could say how good my year has been. and it still is. but being honest with my heart is always a good place to start. i think i am also going to write down the things that i actually believe. and to live them 0ut. its easy for me to live out of someones expectations and passions, but it seems like God already has someone for those jobs, so maybe i should get my own. anyways, its the best and im thankful.


reminded again that laughter is the thief of pain.

maybe one day i will write a book.

i just filled out an application to grad school because i will be attending gardner webb in the fall and playing volleyball here. can i get a holla? but really, so excited and so thankful.


ive been living in the casa blanca and ive freakin loved it. so thankful for the stillness and ease of summer time in boiling springs. i love the emptiness because it lets the settlers settle. whether its into a comfortable chair, or settling debts, the stillness gives time and freedom to reconcile it all. and i love that.


i feel like the only thing ive posted about is how thankful i am, but i cant stop, you know? i love my housemates and am thankful for that provision. i have a place to live in the fall too, and it was literally within a week of looking. the Lord is good to provide in need and i am thankful. my time recently has consisted of a lot of porches, a few casual drinks between friends, and great conversations. it is a beautiful summer time.


ive graduated and finished my undergrad career. and no debt! that is my favorite part, because i had little to do with it. i am very underqualified in comparison to the same people who received my scholarship, but God is funny and chooses funny people for position. moses the mumbler to lead out the most famous event in jewish history. a blind man to mock the pharisees and be one of the first people to boldly proclaim who jesus is. a man on death row to be the first person in heaven after jesus. you've got to give it to him, God is a funny one. i think that is what i like about him. youve got nothing to offer, sort of. but it works. and you can do whatever you want to destroy things, but you cant change the sunrise. you cant make the sunset less beautiful, or the stars less bright. you can pitch a fit if you choose, and look like a fool for it. but thats youre choice, and God will move on without you if its what you really want. not in abandonment, but just choosing to not force you into things. i like that. gives me a sense of peace because i have little control, but a sense of responsibility too, because what i think counts for something in the eyes of my creator.


i work at the coffee shop and its a total dead zone. the shop has literally been empty for 2 hours. aka, im leaving right at 9pm. deuces kids. ive had a few great conversations with a couple great thinkers. i really do want to write a book one day. not a self-loathing one, though that would have been easy in a season of life. i dont want to write an autobiography either. i think id like to write a book on thoughts. maybe like donald miller, but clearly not as a deep. or maybe just as deep, i dont know. i think i associate a sort of magic with the books he writes, and im not sure i am magical. maybe i am. who knows. when i have conversations now, i have the freedom  to laugh in them, to know i am heard, and to listen. i dont have to analyze, or try and squeeze the humor out of something. maybe you get the newness of that feeling or maybe you are stuck. things can change, and thats really all i know.


my parents came up for graduation a couple weeks ago with my grandparents and my aunt. it was a lot of fun and i was so thankful. i love my family and theyre crazy, but theyre mine. a few things happened that were pretty unrelated to the weekend, and my parents made moves to protect me. they communicated with me and sought my opinion on a few things that were important. they spent time with me without my extended family and i loved it. i cried like a little baby when i dropped them off at the airport. winter break was tough and i told them i wasnt coming home any more and it was so hard. thats the closest ive come to weeping in a LONG time. but i knew it was the right decision. recently a friend said to me, "time is the friend of all who need healing". ive been finding crazy redemptive healing all year, but that wisdom made sense when i looked back on the weekend. i needed healing from some family stuff and from christmas break. and i found. good Lord, i found healing. and if you are broken, know that healing is there. for the most part its out of your control, but there are some moves you can make. when my parents were getting out the car, my dad put his sun glasses on and i knew he was going to cry. hes my dad and im a total daddies girl, no question. he got his stuff out and i looked at my mom and started crying when i hugged her. haha, im actually crying a little bit right now thinking about it. i cried because i just love them THAT much. which is crazy, and so beautiful. my mom said "you dont have to cry" and i lost it and said "i cant help it". and we all cried together, not because we were wounded or losing each other, but just because we love each other. i forgave my parents for places i felt hurt. they forgave me from running in that relationship. i trust my parents. if you know me, rejoice in that. i trust them to love me and have seen them do their best to mend and repair. and ive accepted it. they love me and theyve have sacrificed so much, and even now they make moves protect me. i believe that. there is so much healing that has been done. 


i talked to my friend candi last night and all we could do was rejoice. we have both been meeting with a counselor and so much has changed. literally, we both feel like new people. a whole new process. i work through life so differently and i am so thankful. i hope the people i love can see, but if they cant thats okay too. proverbs says that each heart knows its own bitterness, but no one else can share in its joy. and its true. the extend to which my heart feels love is beyond anything ive known before. sometimes i wonder if this is how it is supposed to be. the freedom to laugh or cry and not have it carry over and soak everything. to know that there are second chances every where and they are there if you are willing. you have control and you dont. you are promised nothing, outside of the fact you have some choices, that you will win some, lose some, and eventually, you will stop living. those are the only things you know for sure. the only sure fire package deals you get in being alive. its nice that it can be that simple. i know it can be more complicated than that, but it is reassuring that we can step back and see the simplicity soon. 


there is a song called the ocean by noah gundersen. the last lines of the song say,
"and i will some day come to my home and maybe one day i will reach the ocean".


i am here my friends, and the sand feels good on my toes. i feel older now, and hopefully wiser, but if nothing else i laugh more. i privileged in a million different areas and i aspire to be thankful in just as many one day. its nice to think deeply and be deep without it being a chaotic drowning. it is a diving into something new, and coming up for air when i need it, not when im out. this is new and good and i hope somewhere you find it too.

graduation station.

i graduated today. it was pretty awesome. short ceremony which was sweet and lots of smiling people. derek and i sat in the back of the auditorium and laughed cause we knew most of these people had debt and we didnt. total a-holes. but classy a-holes, nonetheless.

i spent a lot of time today with my mom and was thankful. so grateful to talk to her about life and hear stories about her childhood. i am my fathers child, holding dear the story of every person ive ever met and i am thankful for that too.

but my favorite was tonight. i said goodbye and drove home and saw the biggest sunset i think ive ever seen. it literally looked like a giant ball of fire because it was so hazy out. the pathetic picture i took on my phone literally did it no justice. it was incredible. you could see where the storm patches were, where the rain ended and where it began. it was amazing. came back and hung with drew ford. normally we tear each other up with volleyball, but we went to sonic instead and drove around to lake hauser and watched the storm light up the water. we started talking about jesus which is my favorite. sometimes i forget what a privilege it is to relate to God. i dont understand the trinity. i think its crazy and it doesnt make sense. but whatever. its still incredible. he pointed out that i use personal pronouns when i talk about God, and its true. i dont think that God is limited to gender, because he made male and female in "his" image, but for me, God as father is super important. i was reminded so much of grace in just talking to drew. i need to know that my God understands humanity. that he knows betrayal both from faulty leadership and from family/friends. he knows a lot and he has felt a lot. he is a stranger to nothing. maybe the circumstances werent the same and the culture either, but everything has its roots and im convinced jesus was familiar with all of them. and im so thankful for that. we have the chance to relate to God. isnt that insane? doesnt that blow your mind? that something so weak and pathetic and broken as humanity would have the chance to know the God who set everything in motion. how do we not fall on our faces all the time? poor posture. something.

there is a lot in the world that i dont know. but a few things i do. i had nothing to do with the stars in the sky. i have nothing to do with the sunrise when it shows its face every morning. i dont start hurricanes (other than the emotional chaos of my life, so glad that season is done..) and i am not as strong as a thunderstorm. no matter how stubborn i am, i cant outdo what God has done. life is too beautiful and too many things draw us in towards hope for it to be a happen chance math equation. that is just as illogical as jesus. and maybe that is the mystery of God. that from a purely logical proof-on-proof argument, both look absurd. the grace of God is that he lets us choose. i had seasons where i was on the other team, but i chose jesus and the walk has been so sweet.

while i drove into the firebomb sunset, i listened to some of the most perfect pensive songs, thankful that God gives me the capacity to think about him. one was mercy by drew holcomb and the neighbors. freaking phenomenal song. if you ever feel like God is being a jerk, listen to that song, reflect on grace/mercy and go bash your head against the wall when it makes sense again. cause really, thats your only option.

anyways.
there was a song called 'coming home' by clarensau. the girl has a haunting jazzy voice and its the bessssssst. but the lyrics were my favorite. because driving into the hazy orange giant, she sang,

"its like choosing between two flavors its like falling in love again its like wearing my heart on my sleeve its like trusting ill be able to leave after the mountains start to feel like home coming home, but leaving too"

bam. right there. im coming home, but im leaving too. im still in my not packed room, totally unmotivated. tomorrow i will find out what im doing in the fall, and im already antsy. i just want answers. oh thats weird, im pretty sure that phrase is only written a million times in my journals. weird. we cant escape ourselves so the best we can do is learn to live with ourselves, and laugh out the difference.

here is to laughing and new seasons in life.

american dream.

thinking and loving and laughing. ben rector between my ears all day long.

ive been thinking about love recently and what it means and what it looks like. wondering how it feels. all that romantic crap that ive never wanted to wrap my head around. im still not sure that i do. but i do know the good lord is teaching me there. teaching me to be soft and okay and open. i wonder if loving someone means that you worry for them. for what their doing to themselves and what theyre feeling. maybe im wrong. i dont know. but i wonder sometimes. if thats what it means. that you want better for them and youre sad that they dont have it. maybe not just dating relationships but all of them. we are such funny beings and the way we relate to each other is absurd. i have great guy friends in my life and i wonder what the line. what moves someone out of the friend zone in my life? dunno. no tips here. not that anyone reads this anyways. but i do wonder.

i was thinking about talking with candi the other night. she used a phrase that i like. how life has "sanctifying afflictions". it means these things in life are definitely wounds but they weave something beautiful into our lives. i am thankful for the sanctifying afflictions in my life. that i was afflicted and that i learned and grew and know differently now.

i made a decision today that i probably shouldnt have. it ended up being okay and in a few ways, really good, but it made me think. just because things work out doesnt mean that its what God wanted you to do, it just means that his overwhelming grace is in that circumstance too. as much as the proof is in the pudding, sometimes it isnt. "deserve" is a loaded word. in some ways we get what we deserve, and in a lot of ways we dont. and maybe we'll never know if the scales weighed out. but i think it is very dangerous to say that just because something worked out, the lord willed it. doesnt seem to make sense in a lot of things. but what do i know. 22 years of rambling and asking questions.

so here is to life.

"this american dream is not what it seems
maybe we're still breathing but we're asleep
cause i wanna live until i die
dont let the devil bury me alive
when my heart stops
let me go home
dont let the suburbs
kill my heart and soul"

supermoon.

im not sure that it actually matters where i start. basically, my life is good, easy and free. i like to laugh.

new seasons in life right? 

i talked to candi tonight and like all of the other "closing season" conversations, it was reflective and thankful. we talked about how laughter is a thermometer for how someone is doing. because you can laugh with social cues, you can force it, or you can laugh because you mean it. and we talked about these quilts in life, where some edges are frayed and war torn, but how there was stitching and better seams, and still some soft spots. metaphors for life. it was cool cause there are some relationships that are so new, like less than a year, but they are deep in the best ways. 

i was laughing with candi about life and how its funny and everyone should laugh. one time my friend amy and i went to a doctors office in charlotte. i had a hernia for like 8 months and no one knew what it was, so we went hoping for answers and instead the doctor wasnt there, and the one who filled in was a dbag. she basically told me i was imagining things. i was pretty let down and pretty sad, and she was being a good friend and encouraging me to look on the bright side. i turned down a street and looked up and saw that it said hope. we agreed that God was being good to me in sending me hope. and then the rest of the sign came out from behind the tree. it said little. and instead of being bitter or anything like that, we both started laughing. a lot. we probably laughed for like 10 minutes, and in that moment, i realized that whatever my crazy pain was, i would be okay. 2 weeks later i saw a doctor, and 2 weeks after that i had my surgery to repair it.

all that to say, laughter has a lot of grace crammed in its sound. that story is one of my favorites. ive told it a lot in the last few days, because God is intentional, friends are good, and laughter is the best. sarah laughed at God when he told abraham he'd have a kid. im very convinced that God laughs at us a lot too. 

i walked around with my thinking friend again. he thinks deep and i love it. we drove around and didnt talk about much, but it was still good. hes smart and his brain fires so much faster than mine. but he thinks the world amounts to nothing and that we're all just serving our self created versions of life. hes really smart, and a lot of it makes sense, but a lot of it makes me sad for him. i dont think he knows what deep love is, i think he believes its all a bunch of garbage, and that the will to live is the right chemicals in your brain firing at the right time. existence. it makes me sad because i want him to know more than that. to know deep love, and how it satisfies. how it moves you to feel, despite your best efforts. i know a lot of it is just that he hurts really deeply and has closed himself off, from most things. maybe everything. so i want him to know healing. and deep soul moving love. because i think he wants to laugh free, but i dont know if he can right now. i dont know when he will, if ever. but i hope he does because i want that for him. who knows. better love ive seen.

also, it was a supermoon tonight and it was awesome. i drove to lake houser and sat in my car, and at some point, walked down on the docs to appreciate the moon. its me and the moon she says, and ive got no trouble with that. sometimes its nice to sit with those things by yourself and know that the lord is near. he is so near.

love brought me home.

i just finished my last class of undergrad today. it was great. im not anxious or stressed, im looking forward to walking slowly with my God, wherever he is leading. and that is something nice in my life.


today is thursday which is sabbath time. definitely my favorite day of the week. met two friends in charlotte after eating a monstrous cookie sandwich at the mall. both conversations were really encouraging and affirmed cool changes that ive been able to see in my life. one of my friends said i should write a book because i make weird analogies but am also articulate. maybe one day. wouldnt that be funny?


ive jammed out to a lot of music today and laughed with a lot of great people in my life. drew holcomb has a song and the chorus keeps singing, "love will bring you home". and it did. love brought me home. i am at home in myself and its a peace and stability that i dont think ive had up until this point. maybe in spurts but not consistently. so thankful for it. love brought me home.


im graduating in like... a week (and some change) its weird but exciting. im hopeful about it. not a desperate escaping sort of hope, but a hope where i am looking forward to whatever is next, one foot in front of the other. helen found out that she gets to stay at Gardner Webb so lydia and julia threw her an awesome party. we had a bonfire at the top of the nanny building and laughed all night. smores and soooooo much laughing. i looked around at everyone and loved the moment. again, im so thankful for friendship. there were friends who were apart of the original D3, some from the later D2, and some freshmen in there too. and i love them all and the roles theyve played in my life. some have seen me crazy, some have seen me sad, some have seen me excited, but ultimately they know me and accept me and that is something really cool. i gladly walked away smelling like a campfire, knowing i would love that memory for a long time. it made me happy for everyone there too because i knew that it would become what the bible study group was for me. a place to love and laugh and work out life. everyone should have that. 


i realized the other day that its really important to have an older sister. im the oldest so i never had one growing up, but i am thankful for the women in my life who filled in that role well. whether it was in high school or here at gwu, i can finally say that i had (and have) good older sisters. women in my life who looked out for me, who told me what not to wear, and who gave good advice too. women who gave me a home away from home. who let me sort things out. and im thankful too because i think i now have younger sisters, and i like that. cause really everyone needs one. you need to know that someone is looking out for you, but that theyre not your mom. moms are great too, and thank God they exist, but sisters are really important.


so many random thoughts. all this to say, love well where you are. always. i didnt and dont always love well, but im trying to work it out. my favorite question to ask (besides "tell me about your life", which is a statement, not a question, but whatevs) is, "if you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?". in this season of life, my answer is still the same. i would want everyone to know how loved they are. it is mind blowing what you can accomplish when you know you are loved. my soccer coach at home used to say that you will run through brick walls for the people you love. and its true. youll lift cars off of people, youll stand up to bullies, youll do just about anything. you might even die of the cross, if youre the loving Lord that i live by. when you truly understand how desperately loved you are, by God and by others, nothing can stop you. and equally, in some ways, nothing matters. you can be dirt poor, but if you know youve got love, youre in the clear. when i get to heaven one day and i have to account for my life, i want to be able to look Jesus in the eye and say that i loved well. faulty in seasons for sure. messy and arrogantly too. but i want to say that i tried. love really will bring you home.