wouldnt miss it.

things i wouldnt miss in life. i reread the perks of being a wallflower, and as with most decent coming of age literature, it reminded me of things i forgot along the way. in one letter, bill warns charlie that some people use thought to not participate in life. i dont ever want the world in my mind to overcome the reality that i experience.

dinner tonight included a mix of american, irish, and english foods, matched with the appropriate accents. my uncle from Britain has stage 4 cancer in his liver. its sad and has been hard on our family because he and my aunt make up our only close extended family. though he is doing better, the possibility of this christmas being his last is still real. he currently sits at around 135 on a 6'1 frame. he's skeletal, but he's funny and he's ours. every holiday, he makes lamb and its incredible. between him and my dad, no christmas holiday is served without class. we took care of the meal this year and while we ate, i tried to actively listen and observe. mom and auntie gina doted over every morsel and recounted terrifying moments, while richie rolled his eyes and chuckled to himself. because english men do chuckle. the conversation went across him, and even though most of it revolved around him, it did not involve him.

and sometimes thats okay too. because were family, whatever that poor little 'f' word even means. ive realized again (as i will probably continue to do for the rest of my life) that ive got a pretty great family. messy, no doubt. great wounding misfits. but theyre mine and i love them. and if, by the time i die, i come to love half as well as any of them do, i will have lived a great life.

my mom is a nurse and a damn good one at that. she takes care of people well, and loves them when nobody else is paying attention. she lives out grace, and better than a lot of christians i know. a few months ago, my uncle was admitted to the emergency room and had to stay over night for more testing. turns out it was cancer. turbs out it was stage 4. he ended up staying a few days and while decisions and options frenzied themselves through the room, my uncle sat, listening. everything moved out in front of him, yet he could touch none of it. it was solely about him, yet none of it was his. my mom snuck out of the nursery to visit him, and ask what he wanted. he said a box of donuts. so my mom went to krispy kreme and bought him a half dozen of warm donuts.

when you find out cancer is involved, no one thinks of donuts. all you cam think about is why, or insurance, and thats only assuming youve gotten past the devastation. but my mom worked in pediatric oncology for a few years, so she thinks of things like donuts. because when its all out of your control, the best thing you can do is pacify for a second so the world stops moving for a second.

my mom asked him about treatments and check ups all night. richie spoke for himself a good bit too. my mom is rearranging her work schedule so she can take him to his chemo, instead of my aunt using up all her sick days.

my mom is really good at loving people. she's a good woman with a big heart. and if i end up loving half as well as she does, whether its family, friends, or by some act of God, a spouse, i can only hope i do as well as she does. love covers a multitude of sins. i dont know what faith means her life, or if it will ever mean what i want it to. it may never happen. but i know that i wouldnt be able to recognize the love of God, had it not been for my parents. weve all got kinks and thats fine, but i can boldly and confidently say, theyve loved me well.

show me what it means to be warm.

its nice to exist again. exams are done and my papers are finished. praise the Lord.

closure.

a heavy dose of passenger in my life, and i laugh free.

in the recent week, i have loved with the Lord and thanked him all the same. it seems silly to remember some things, but it has made all the difference.

my favorite move in life is the stiff arm. in the last 2 years or so, ive stiff armed a lot of people. heres a poster. its nicer, more gentle, it laughs on cue, and it would love to be your friend, and get close with you. not always like that, but ive watched myself do it enough times to know. hence the word 'trust' coming up on a regular basis. learning to love and receive it. a couple weeks ago, i wrote a letter to reconcile. a few old wounds were finally mending, and with the mending came freedom and release. with it came trust and a softer side of life. a positive response started to remove some of the stitches. the scar started to become a story. funny to me that about 2 days after i sent this letter, i ran into a friend writing a difficult letter too. when she told me, i laughed because the process can be a bitter thing, but it is necessary. most processes are. in vague descriptions, i heard old wounds, resilience and some hope. some determination. we both laughed. after i left, i prayed for her letter, for her hands, and for her heart. this season of prayer has been weak and unfamiliar. so i told her. i prayed that the process would yield healing whether or not the letter was sent, or even finished. and she reminded me that often times, those counted for quite a bit.

 during this time, i started to try and remember more of my life. a remembered life is an integrated one. i wanted to be whole. so much many of my lingering memories drift around my injury. why did i do what i did? why did i allow others to make decisions for me? funny enough, this friend with the letter had a similar process, but more intense than mine. i wanted to hear her voice in her story. she talked and i heard it all, because a lot of it, i knew very intimately. more commonalities surfaced, and it made me hungry for more. shes a good story teller with a wise heart, so over the course of the day, we spent 4 hours sharing life. that verb is key. sharing. not taking, not giving, but sharing. this is where the stiff arm comes in. i didnt stiff arm her. i trusted her and i believed her. she knew the process too. and her wisdom reminded me to be gentle and patient, not only with others, but also with myself. i walked away satisfied. and loved. and hopeful. not that i didnt know those before, but i remembered them and believed them. as silly as it sounds, in that conversation i remembered that i love people. i love caring for people. i love knowing people and their stories. i love when people are honest. i love bearing stories and holding them. i love all of it. hearing her talk reminded me that i can do those, and do them well. that im not defective and my holes dont have to stop me from loving people. the conversation was so healing. i walked away lighter and deeper at the same time, thanking God for his intentionality. i still cant say why i was so interested in her process, or even what i was looking for. maybe i wasnt looking for anything. but God played a good hand and for that i am still thankful. the plan is now to meet weekly, because she enjoyed it too. someone can enjoy my presence. and i dont have to rank them, or make them older than me. i can learn and love and that can be enough. i can be enough.

the letter that i sent a few weeks ago was in response to an invitation. i attended, praying with grace to celebrate a friend who accomplished something, despite all opposition to it. and i remembered that process too. she was brave and stood up and was credited for her work. i sat next to hannah and remembered life, and was so thankful. so thankful that this process has healing, because it had been so wounding. and the details arent necessary, but the redemption was there. at the end, an exchange was made. the letter and conversation with my other friend had already dressed my wound. i felt free, no longer bound by this past. i had forgiven and let it go. there was nothing left to reconcile, no intentions, no responses necessary from the exchange. the exchange itself wasnt even necessary. but it finished off the healing. "thank you for coming. i really appreciate it. you coming means a lot to me". eye contact, and a genuine side that i know well. i said, "i wouldnt miss it for anything". and there was peace and healing. hopefully for both sides. but certainly here. and the wound is now a story. it does not evoke emotions. it does not cause me to relive anything. it is a story, and it doenst need to be shared with anyone, but it is nice to know that i can. i can share stories. i can disclose. funny too that the word 'closure' is so closely related to 'disclose'. perhaps we would do well to camp out there.

 i lived. i am living. i can live. i do live. this week was the first time in a while where i self-disclosed without fear. i trusted. it was simple. i came from somewhere. i have a story. i can tell it. i believed that the people on the other side were not going to abandon me. they were going to trust me too. "the story is important because it is real. it is your story. it is important for no other reason than that". my story is important. sarah used to say that i couldnt push that on other people and not believe it for myself. but i did. the ability to separate yourself. what a cursed privilege. in talking to a friend, i was reminded that the coping habits of my life are not markers of deficiencies and poor experience. instead they are strengths that you cant have until youve lived there. they make you easier to hire. more patient sometimes. better endurance. whichever scar it is, its tough as hell. scar tissue can bend titanium. you cant break it. for better or worse. scars can be a privilege. there is no need to give yourself any, but if you have, i hope youve learned from it. perhaps it will remind you to be gentle with yourself, as it has done for me.

thankful for time to breathe and be free.

i found closure this week. for some old wounds, and for some more recent ones. by my own hands and by others. and its been a painful process for the most part. but i have it now. i have closure. or perhaps it has me. i do not think we can grasp it, but we can certainly rest in it.

Well you only need the light when its burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when its burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go


Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cos love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cos you loved her too much and you dived too deep


Well you only need the light when its burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
And you let her go
Well you let her go

end of a season.

two and a half more hours on this bus, what better to do than write?

this was my final weekend of volleyball, and the last of my college career. im still in absolute awe. unbelievably grateful.

my junior year held a fourth surgery, adding to the excessive scar tissue in my abdomen and hip. it held my final soccer game. it held some of the most intense wrestling that ive ever known. during my season, and later, my recovery process, i was plagued with confusion in Gods intentions. (havent we all been there?) why was i built with such athleticism if it was going to be taken away? i played everything in high school and excelled. in college, i played every position on the field, minus forward. so why take it away? why bother in the first place? if im honest, those questions still linger a little. but i finally let go. i was no longer an athlete and had too many limitations to even pretend that i was athletic anymore. my pain had continued to increase, despite my inactivity. it seemed that playing had curbed the pain a little, but it was still painful. i didnt understand. i took time to rest but still nothing helped. my body was wrecked, getting to the point where i couldnt sit in class, and would have to pull myself out for fear of crying. i met with every anatomy professor i could because there is no such thing as an abdominal specialist. after a long season of running "organic" tests, we narrowed down what my problem was and how to manage it. i tested what sports agitated my pain and what lessened it. soccer made it worse, volleyball made it better. so like any overly ambitious athlete, i played every opportunity i could. i eventually got a chance to help the gwu team as a scrimmage player. and i wasnt that bad. that is where this crazy season of life started. one girl quit, so i got the chance to play. and i did. i even started for some of the season. and its been amazing. my friends supported me, knowing my process, and sharing the privilege. my parents even got to see me play. first time in 6 years. i got close with new teammates, and supported old ones. i was loved so well and im so grateful. i was apart of a program that is continuing to move forward. and the coolest part of this redemptive second chance that i got in my college career is just that. it is unusual to play 2 sports in college, let alone such polar opposites. pretty athletic. pretty freaking grateful. a long twisting heart wrenching road. but i made it. i played my 4 years here, and ended it better than i couldve imagined. everything about my situation is an anomaly. totally unique, and unusual. and the part of my soul that recognizes grace knows that it is mine, and it is from the heart of God itself. a privilege. a second chance. explosive grace. it still blows my mind.

i didnt cry when the final point was scored. my body went into freak out mode so i couldnt even manage standing properly the first 2 matches. but i knew and i think coach knew that this would probably be it. half a tube of bio freeze, bunches of prayer, and last minute stretching put my pain at a manageable level, so i played for the last game. we did better than anyone expected. played the #1 team on their senior day, and were within 5 points in every game. left it all on the court and was proud of the effort across the board. we came back within 2 points, after being 10 points down. mind you, they were at 23. thats incredible. everyone laid out. and thats the end. we wont make our own tournament, but we'll be okay. perspectives will change, disappointments will fade. that is what happens in time and thats okay. i know cause ive seen it and done it. and everyone will grow, knowing that there is more to do.

im thankful. again. i got a second chance and i got to watch. i got to be apart of a team with girls who have hearts, stories and insane talent on the court. my parents got to say goodbye too, and in their own time. i cried a couple times, i played well when i could, and lost my voice on the bench. it is a privilege to be apart of a community. to be accepted, loved and appreciated. i was tired a lot, and close to broke too. but i can say with total confidence that it was totally worth it.

"Thanks God for love and mercy and hope
for hands strong enough to undo my noose's rope
for some things that are bigger because you make them
for love, for it running deeper because its yours
thanks for hour after hour of lung filled life resting in my chest
for being bigger and knowing best
better than i know cleaning up my mess of failed attempts
a stained wedding dress.
and these missed marks and failed disasters you heal and you bless
you hear my words and acknowledge me, my life, my presence
you see worth where i choose death
you see hope where i feel wounds
you see redemption behind my eyes, past the shadows running around my head
i feel broken and you see whole
you see beauty and love and glory
words i fear.
for fear if i accept them i will have to punish myself because i dont deserve them
i still dont.
but you dont care
because grace is blind you tell me that
no amount of scars, self-inflicted or not could keep me down
i can still get back up"

-september 2, 2009.

once upon a time.

my life is a funny catastrophe, and im finally invested in the joke.

i never write, i read sometimes, and in between i go to class work and volleyball. it never slows down. ever.

almost done with volleyball which is crazy to me. but im grateful. my body has been freaking out recently and it concerns me, but there are few things i can do, so i jokingly call my "treatment plan" an ice diaper. yes, laugh. my birthday was last week and im officially 23, when nobody likes you. its a song. i dont think anyone cares how old you are.

anyways. i had a bonfire and it was fun. old friends and new, jesus folk and not, everyone laughing like the world wasnt spinning a million miles an hour. like we werent all making it through college, mindlessly wandering. because sometimes we are and sometimes we arent. for my birthday, i bought myself a session with my counselor. i dont make too many good decisions, but that was definitely one of them. talked about fear and disconnected wires, cause ive been unplugging all over the place. i detach my wires so i can be functional and emotionless enough to do a job, and i push the box further away from my life, until i dont remember. but then my boxes become roots that i didnt see and i trip and stumble, and wonder why. but its not really wondering, its just sobering up.

 recently, the advice ive given is for people to be brave. the only analogy i can come up with is putting on an old pair of jeans that you loved once, but you're not totally convinced they fit anymore. you've got two options: to put them back in the closet, or to do the dance of every girl who has ever played soccer and try to force them to a manageable position. here is to making pacts and trying to not back down. dance away my friend. God is funny in my life. it is never a question of whether he is involved, it is always a question of what he is doing. and typically, that gets cleared up quickly too. i have a goal this year to accomplish 10 brave things by the time the school year is over. some of them i know, some of them will arise later. most of them dont mean anything to anyone else, but they mean a lot to me. and of course, all of them carry a good deal of anxiety and fear. i always swore i would never let fear lead my life, but sometimes starting over from scratch will do that to you. this is the part where i begin to work away and become something courageous. not in an ignorantly fearful way, but just in a way where i am choosing to be vulnerable and choosing to trust. mostly people, but sometimes outcomes too. i want to be brave again. but differently this time. and that has been my week. i asked my coach for help with meals because im scraping by on paychecks and short hours. i sent an email to someone i love more than most, but am so cautious of. i cried, because something bothered me. because i can name things now, and not be plagued. because i know that things will continue to haunt you until you acknowledge that they are in fact haunting you. call things by their right name. i let people celebrate me on my birthday. i accepted it and embraced it. i told some of my college sports story, without hellish bitterness and scathing sarcasm. i talked to God boldly again. and he answered. i came up for air a little bit. sometimes wriggling back into those pants is a worthy endeavor. sometimes, its just for how goofy you look, because they really dont fit, but sometimes, like now, its about finally getting them over the legs that have lifted for the last 3 months, because they are still youre favorite jeans.

all the time learn.

im reading the philip pullman series and i love them. i thought to myself, hmm, light reading. psych. there is a scene of absolute tenderness and love, and despite my unplugging and frayed wires, there is something in my heart that registers with that, and all of its intimate warmth. i read through the scene and literally put the book down because my heart was moved and i was flooded with multiple memories of that very feeling, where i was desperately and decidedly loved. by parents, biological and otherwise, by sisters, by friends. at the end of my junior year, when i was finally emotionally sober and not crazy, i prayed to God one day. i finally faced him honestly and i said okay. i had tried to reattach all the things that i had fallen apart in my life, by good will, prayer and work. by willingness and trying again. my efforts amounted to more insanity and more mess. i know i reference that season a lot, but it was so defining and so transformative. it is one of the most monumental shifts that i have access to in my grand 23 years of life. but as i prayed, i asked God for one word. i didnt know what it would be because i only heard silence for so long. i just wanted one so i could hold onto something simple. no sentence, no direction, no promise. just one word. i sat in silence, as open and empty as ive ever been and i waited. and i got my word.

"precious". 

i had a wise tender voice in my life call me precious once. in a previous season of piecing together my story and inviting someone into my life, i named my fears, not realizing how many of them were tendrils reaching out of a deeper question. who was i and did i matter? these were the questions that i couldnt answer because i didnt know how to ask, and if im honest, didnt want to. it was as if realizing the answer scared me so much that i would prefer to not know. because if i did matter, then the previous seasons of my life were no longer coherent because they could no longer make sense. in biblical studies, this is called a theodicy. of sorts. usually, it is an issue on a bigger scale, but we are human, so we must ask ourselves the same thing. but in either case, in a tender season of confession and fears, she told me that i was precious and worthy of love. and for the first time in twenty years, i believed the person who said it to me. what a wild thought. this would be one of many truths that i was told, only to believe them at a later time. so funny to me, that as i prayed, removed from everyone else in my life who mightve had a chance at words, i found one so dear and so close. i asked again. again God gave me "precious". this whole story is pointless for you, but important to me. recently, God has brought it up again. do i know that i am considered precious? that the Lord calls me dear, and means it? do i live like Jesus gives a shit about my life. i have tried to reword that sentence so many times, without using cusswords, and none of them can deliver the same intensity. jesus does care. i am dear. i can see a couple places where i live in fear instead of light, because i started to question some of my worth again. thats dumb. i spent a lot of energy and a lot of trust in relearning the truth about my own worth. no use in backsliding.

 i bring all this up because i am trying to be brave again. or a better kind of brave. i want to say that i was never brave and that all i ever did was foolish, but thats taking credit for the work God has done in my life. i can live in courage. its hard. and vulnerable and it makes me more uncomfortable than it ever has before. but ive also seen enough fruit in my life to know that it is valuable. loving is hard. it means putting yourself in a position to be hurt, knowing that it can and, if youre around long enough, will happen, but choosing to live as if that very idea would surprise you. it is allowing yourself to be wounded, but with motives of choice and hope, not fear and defeat. that is the hinge that i never understood before. but again, later in life, i finally understood. none of this is for anyone but myself, or at least not on purpose. i have to work through my head by way of word, and present it to an audience, even if its a wall. curse you external processing. you make me so dependent. but again, to God's credit, perhaps that is the point. cause if i wasnt wired that way, rest assured these thoughts would not be shared.

a friend of mine wrote a poem about a visit we had about a month ago. im putting it here not because the world revolves around me, but because something in my heart nods its head as my eyes captivate themselves with each well placed word. because what she says is more true than i was able to realize.

"sometimes you must open your eyelids far earlier than they would desire,

for the sake of time spent with a friend from that southern peninsula.

and those are the times that you sit across from her

as she eats peanut butter pie and chocolate milk for breakfast,

and tells you of how her body is broken but her spirit is alive."

-em echev.

so here is to sappy songs with acoustic guitars. melancholy lyrics with a morose sense of humor. two terms for the same thing. sometimes, thats what you need, not because your sad, but because that is the only appropriate soundtrack music to scenes where you look back on life and ponder. three cheers my friends.

slow it down.

only 2 of you will think this is funny, cause ive been thinking it too.

life these days is fast and full. ben howard and the lumineers sing to me while i run from one thing to the next, inches from my overwhelmed threshold, but still on this side of the fence. if i could do one thing, it would be slow it down. to rest my arms and rest my legs. i dont get to feel the seasons much because the things that eat my time are all indoors. thats not necessarily a bad thing, but october is my favorite and i would hate to waste it.

my season has 12 more games in it. its still funny to me that i have a season. that i am on a team with a college name across my shirt. it is so fast. faster than anything ive lived before. or maybe it is just that my nerves are working properly and the chemicals that tell me what im feeling are actually in check and acknowledged. learning to live and feel and breathe. always. and thankful.

i talked to my friend logan last night and we have been working through the process of who we are. heritage and teaching and choices. all beautiful things, whether done well or not. it made me grateful for the influential people in my life. im not sure whether i realized how true this was until now. i said, "i think from my parents, i learned how to listen to others. from charlotte, i learned how to listen to God. and from sarah, i learned how to listen to myself". and i think that is fair. i have been marveling at how true those things are and how grateful i am for them. you must know all of them, lest you explode. fullness of that word meant.

i keep listening to ben howard and his words are soothingly haunting. he talks a lot about the ocean and about deep things and i am drawn to that. love is an ocean. it gives, it takes, it rips the shoreline and makes the sand soft under your cold feet. it nurses the edges of the world and rages against cliffs and crags. it begs sailors and thinkers alike. it is weathering, wounding, and funny enough, in its content, it is healing. and that is what i know to be true of love. in some seasons it rips you apart, pulls you away from the shore beyond the reach of loved ones, and yet somehow, if you let it, the rip tide will float you back to the beach, a little further down than when you started. love is an ocean. and i am caught in its waves.

i will be 23 next week, which is weird and funny but i feel it. today is the first day in almost a week where i woke up after 530, and when walking outside included sunlight. the first day i have had time to feel and stretch out. i feel the transition today. i feel the ocean inside me and around me. i feel my soul being worked over, and i feel it moving. i am not in undergrad. i am still in school, but it is different. i no longer put in work orders to fix my light, i walk to the store to buy a light, and i do it myself. macy doesnt come by and sweep the floor, i do that. and i dont put my dishes on the conveyor belt. in reality, i dont use dishes ever so i dont use them. beat you to it. but it is true. i dont meet with the world. i dont spend my free time chasing people. free time in this season is the anomaly. i do my own homework, and i make my own boundaries. some people have fallen out of my life, and they will stay there. some people will make it back. some people i will choose to follow. and some people are still here. heaven is a place we know heaven is the arms that hold us long before we go. ben howard says each word with care before he brings in us a chorus, reminding me that if youre there when the world comes to gather me in, i will be blessed. if anyone in my life is there when the world brings me home, i will be blessed, for i have known love and care that goes deeper than any trial i have and will ever face.

i have been blessed beyond blessings in love. by my family, friends, mentors, teammates, everything. in coffee shop conversations and couch ramblings and cross country car rides. intentional alliteration. i have always known love, though i have not always felt it, or been able to see it. i can look back on a majority of my time spent in college, and i can recollect warmth. i can still feel the care and the depth of love, and it is just a memory. i can see wounds and i can feel hurt, but the warmth overrides that, because i have known love. i read through proverbs 4 the other day and felt my soul move. "Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;  love her, and she will watch over you." and i love that. the idea of protecting those you love. and being protected. part of my identity reminds me that i was meant to be cared for sometimes. the world doesnt owe me, and i dont expect that. but i do accept that there is something tender in every person you meet, and that tenderness craves care. we were all meant to give in receive love. families, neighbors and enemies alike. intentional design.

i am thankful. i am calm, a little tired, and pretty happy. but mostly i am  thankful. and now that i am not chasing chaos or being consumed by expectations, i can say that and love it. 

cause you are dear to me yeah you are dear.

its only capitalized because i typed it in word. boo.

I think it’s the music im listening to again, but im thankful. That humanity is made up of resilient warriors, who wake up every day and stand up against gravity.

We played in Birmingham this weekend and I was fortunate enough to see a friend from high school, and another from the summer. My high school friend and I exchanged the cliffnotes of the last 4 years and it was beautiful. The reality of addictions and the victory of literally throwing them off the side of a mountain. What a privilege to be apart of each others lives. To know and to hold. We are stories, living and breathing, and sometimes loving.

Im still learning how to balance my time (lets keep a tally of how many times I say that..) and its getting better. I still play all the time and work too much, and BARELY squeeze my work in.. but its getting better. Spending time with good friends and creating space for good conversations. Colleen got it right. You have to create space for those things.

My friend from high school made a great point today about reflecting (senior status) on her life and reading her journals. The process by which we move through life is funny and orderly, but not predictable. She pointed out that though she knew she had grown, she didn’t realize how much until she really slowed down to look at things. Upon seeing the chasm, her next realization was the idea that she needed to be gentle with her younger self. What a great thought. How often do I sift through old journals and think to myself, no wonder this went wrong, or how could you have been so foolish? When in reality, my foolishness is merely my humanity sticking out. Sometimes, we are as dumb as we appear to be in retrospect. But a lot of times, we’re just young, and working ourselves out.  A lot of self-conditioned criticality (an unnecessary demand for perfection. Dumb) has benefitted me in the area of self-discipline, but sometimes I forget and forfeit the soothing gift of giving yourself grace. It was a simple conversation at O Henry’s in Alabama this morning, but how liberating. To breathe in your own skin and relax. To laugh at your youth instead of dig out some sort of lesson.

Ive wondered recently about the idea of trying to cross lines. How often do we challenge boundaries set ahead of us? We talk about inching up to the line to see how close we can get without crossing, but I wonder if a line is too concrete. I wonder if the mentality should be more about thresholds. I guess in some ways those are the same things, but threshold reminds me more of protection than presenting a challenge. Once your mind crosses certain thresholds, it stops giving you a choice and intervenes automatically, because you are either physically incapable, or because your body has decided that you made the wrong decision. I think about thresholds mostly as they relate to pain (esp physical) because that is the most readily available example in my life. My thresholds were crossed constantly because of the influence of voices I heard and the work of my own hands.  And my body shut down for it on several occasions. In some places I received praises for mental toughness, but the honest voices in my life pleaded with concern. I was hurting myself, convinced I could cross one more line and I would be okay. 3 years later, with scar tissue lattices across my abdomen, nerve damage, and a slue of adjustments, I can say that the threshold was crossed, and irreversibly so. I thought I was stepping over lines, to make myself stronger, when in reality, I was breaking my threshold over and over again until my body took things into its own hands and said no.

i guess these are the things you learn as you look at your life. i used to hate processes (your cue to laugh) but now i sort of get them. and i can enjoy them instead of resenting them. i think im finally getting to the place now where i can be gentle with other people in their processes instead of trying to make them speed up, or whatever other power i think i have. life is good and love is an ocean.

love is an ocean.

my (actual) favorite 't' word. thankful. still thankful. working out the other 't' word; trust.

classes have started and they actually make my life easier, which i find funny. i often sit between friends where certain looks can be exchanged and understood. ive been given the privilege of sharing deep conversations of the theological and soul baring genre. i started soccer bible study and have been playing volleyball. i got dinner with my mentor and ive had a chocolate chai latte every time ive gone to work. literally all of my favorite things.

the other day i was talking with some teammates and i mentioned something about portioning out meals to make sure its enough for another meal. the next time we ate together, one of my teammates asked if what she had was enough for a portion. i assumed she was making fun of me so i rolled my eyes. when we got up to leave, she handed me a to-go box, explaining that she wanted to make sure it was enough. you want to talk about being humbled? want to talk about being cared for? it really is about the people around you.

tonight we played north carolina a&t and we won, which was great. lets be real, we've needed W's for a while. but the best part was watching the team really get it. we stopped worrying about who was in, and deserving it, and all the bitterness that comes with that. we were all for each other. we became our own biggest fans. molly got to go in and she killed it. devin got to play and she did SO WELL. watching each player on the court succeed was unreal. i think thats what sports are supposed to be about. character building and learning to be for each other. becoming a better community for each other. looking out for each other. yesterday, i was running on total empty and i couldnt pass to save my life. multiple teammates sought me out to encourage and listen. we can be so powerful in each other's lives.

better love ive seen.

and in reality, ive experienced it too. sometimes when the weather changes, the only appropriate response is to listen to drew holcomb and the neighbors. something about their music makes sense for this time of the year. ive seen them in concert and its unreal. so much passion, so much thought, and so much love. thats what i want my life to be about. ive been listening to ellie holcombs magnolia ep all week and its good to my soul. so much of it is just reminding yourself of the goodness of the Lord. sitting still and resting your head on his shoulder. i smile like im old and weathered when i listen to their music. in some ways i am, but in other ways im young and goofy and restless. and thats good to remember. i am not old or young, i am both. seasoned and naive. both. i like this road. it is winding, like the ones that wrap their ways around my house. i am surrounded by good friends who come to my games, and who meet me for coffee in between those times. saturday night after my game, there will be a bonfire at my house and i cannot wait. i look forward to sharing laughs over a fire in a chilly night.

earlier, i knew that this year was going to be good, but that it would be rough. that is not the same as overwhelming, or destructive. it will still be a year of continuing my journey and learning to love jesus, myself and others. but it will have its moments. it already has in a couple places. my uncle has stage 4 colon cancer, and its sad. our family is a weird one. we're not close, but we're protective and grateful for each other. its my dad's brother in law. which means that out of my dad's family, he's the husband of my dad's only living relative for several thousand miles (the closest are in western canada and california) it is a sad thing, but a hopeful thing too. who knows. i dont. so in the meantime, it spurs me to pray, and reminds me to be thankful of whatever time i am allowed to participate in, because there is always uncertainty in what you will receive.

"i want you to live forever underneath the sky so blue"

faces are funny in sports action shots. love is an ocean. thank you ellie holcomb for reminding me.

laugh.

one time i played volleyball for gardner webb. are you laughing yet?

nothing much to say other than thanks. if you are in my life and feeding my soul with deep conversations, thank you. if you are asking me how i am doing, and reminding me to not just answer on automatic because im tired, thank you. if you are taking the time to make someone else's life easier, thank you. if you are trying, thank you. if you are learning to create boundaries that have gates instead of walls, thank you, cause its a long, worthy road. thank you. thats it. no requests, no more than this. my life is good and im thankful.

noah gundersen.

moss on a rolling stone by noah gundersen.

"I believe nowhere is a better place to be
Than not knowing where you're going now
I said education is a better state of mind
But I'd trade all my books to find a home
If I made bets on a better time
I'd lose my money every single dime
I believe moss on a rolling stone
Is better than the rust that's growing on my home

'Cause it eats at me sometimes

The more you struggle
More you fight it
More it clings to you at night
The more you wonder
More you dream
The more you pray it starts to die
And it does
Though it kicks you in the side
Yes it does
Though it takes a little time

I believe heaven is a pretty place to stay
But not knowing scares me half to death
I believe God is a bigger man than me
But sometimes I think that I can fight him
We kicked the devil on a Friday night
Just about lost when he came in close and tight
Took him with a punch to his gritty chin
Asked him to please not come back here again

But he eats at me sometimes

The more you struggle
More you fight it
More he clings to you at night
The more you wonder
More you dream
The more you pray he starts to die
And it does
Though he kicks you in the side
Yes it does
Though it takes a little time

I believe home is a place that I will get someday
If someone just will hold me
I believe hope is a thing that I will find some time
If someone just will show me
I believe love is given, going, gone
Come back to kiss me on the forehead
And I believe moss on a rolling stone
Is better than the rust that's growing on my home

'Cause it eats at me sometimes

The more I struggle
More I fight it
More it clings to me at night
The more I wonder
More I dream
The more I pray it starts to die
And it does
Though it kicks me in the side
Yes it does
Though it takes a little time"

the company kept.

on the last leg of our 11 hour drive and i love it as much as when i started. i wonder if i love it because in some ways it is the opposite of my life. normally i run around like madness, too fast, hoping for rest, and moving as fast as my legs will take me. being responsible for all of the movement that takes place. in traveling though, i find rest and am not responsible for the movement. i also enjoy it because to a degree, i am confined. i cant spread myself too thin cause its just me. thankful.

ive been cleaning out some stuff in my life and found a few pages of notes that i consider wise. in many ways we become the company we keep. i can only pray that i am in the process of becoming like mine.

"courage is fear that has said its prayers". recently, i think i have shied from wanting to live courageously. i let fear stop me from a lot of things, especially in potential friendships and that is unfortunate. you should be brave in relationships. its not the same as being a blunt asshole, but its more than backing away to avoid toes.

"we just know whats in our in own (hearts) what wrongs were capable of and that knowledge is terrible enough."
i read divergent recently and its been really insightful. it is good to know what you are capable of, both good and bad. no one is one or the other, we are all both and we should strive for better, but ultimately we must learn to accept ourselves, because we cant escape ourselves.

"working on your relationship with the Lord definitely improves your other relationships, but it works the other way too. there is a sweetness to surrender and trust." they both flow into each other, so its worth looking at both sides.

"he did not create it to be empty but formed it to be inhabited isaiah 45:18."

"i will strengthen you though you have not acknowledged me so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is none besides me. i am the Lord and there is no other isaiah 45 5&6"

"a searching and fearless moral inventory״. i think this was said in light of a 12 step program or something, but what a great thought of reflection. to be fearless in our personal lives.

"the first thing he does is teach you to hide the things youre ashamed of. not to expose them in full truth." this was said in reference of one of the first lessons we learn from satan. it is a subtle opposite to the way God asks us to deal with shame. how revealing it is to genuinely examine the things we hide? we skate around the places where we still feel chained by shame.

"since were priests is the ability to forgive each other". in a conversation about confession, we talked about how we forfeit potential healing when we refuse to bring things out to the light. my friend lauren made a great point about how we deprive each other of our call to the ministry of reconciliation. we lose our ability to love each other and we give up another possibility of finding relief from the things that way on us.

"off the cuff comments binding my wrists". a good reminder that the things that slip out of our mouths reveal more than we'd like.

"we reciprocate love given. humanity makes a living off of imitation." i have realized recently that this is really true. we imitate what we value, and we reveal what we value by what we imitate. we are individuals, yes, but we soak up soooooo much from our environment. i dont think you are necessarily defined by it, but you are undoubtedly impacted by it. we become the company we keep. we adopt each others idiosyncrasies and morals. your life is your opportunity to aspire for better. living in spite of your reputation, and in light of legacy. you cant change everything about your reputation but you do have in regards to your legacy.

"i have tested you in the furnace of affliction isaiah 48:10" wow, how often do we miss this verse (slash how often do we forsake the old testament) we are guaranteed sanctifying afflictions. read jesus' big talk, the beatitudes. you are promised struggle. and in some cases, relief but in all cases grace.

"becoming better is a way longer process than getting worse. it takes a second to die but a life time to live". its not hard to live stupid and be cruel. not hard to develop a poor reputation and be foolish. its way harder to be known for integrity and wisdom. but you tell me which one is worth it.

"this above all else, do not lie to yourself -brother lawrence." lying to others should be avoided, but nothing hurts you more than lying to yourself.

"demise is never dependant on only one factor". nothing ever falls apart because of just one thing. there are always cofactors.

"shallow relationships are too much work cause you always have to be happy". i finally realized why i didnt like them, thanks sarah rome. its good to have shallow ones, cause they cant all be deep.

"pain is a place to relate to God". nobody knows pain more than God. i dont think highly of pain, i guess. i know it changes things, for better, for worse, and for both at the same time most days. it does not allow for stagnancy. in your pain, you have the capacity to relate to God in the most intimate ways. im not saying you should seek out pain. dont, youll run into enough of it in life. but when it comes, consider the privilege you have in knowing Christ. Philippians 3:10 i want to know Christ and his sufferings. to know means to understand intimately. what a dangerous, fruitful prayer.

"i wonder if love starts with acceptance. we cannot begin to love our neighbor until we are first okay with them". this applies to our neighbors, and ourselves. in the past when people have told me to love myself, like every other well-intentioned thing, ive pushed it away and continued walking. how can you love something/someone i despised? how could you be head over heels for yourself? wrestling. i learned that although those things can be love, most love takes the form
of acceptance. when do you feel most loved? when you feel accepted. what makes a friend your friend? they accept you for you. be a friend to yourself. dont bother trying to be infatuated with yourself, thats prideful and annoying. but be okay with yourself. laugh at yourself in a goofy way not because youre mean. learn to be okay with yourself, cause its not like you can avoid yourself. look at yourself in the mirror and dont look away. learn to be okay. itll make loving everyone else a lot easier.

"so many of our greatest accomplishments and strengths are spurred on by motives of out deepest fears". most of the things i am adamant about are due to fears. im articulate because ive been called a liar. calling things by their right name. its interesting to look at your strengths and the things you do consistently and wonder where theyre from.

"in that season i had to grow up. i could not shrink. had i, i would have only destroyed, first in line being myself." someone asked me what changed in life. how did i start liking myself instead of criticizing everything i did. i changed out of necessity. it was no longer an option to keep going, so i stopped and said, "okay." when people spoke into my life, i said okay. when people loved me, i said okay. and when people said they needed space, i said okay to that too. i dont want to destroy myself. i want to laugh a lot and enjoy life for its grace.

"i am not convinced that you can have both complete safety and complete liberty, theoretically or practically. humanity works against both of those paradigms". think about. insert boundaries and margins speech.

"guilt as a tool rather than a weapon agaibst the self." still thinking through this, but i see it. transformative shame instead of restrictive.

"sometimes i forget that i can hurt you. that you are capable of being hurt". capacities.

"telling and trusting are not interchangeable". to tell someone about your life and to trust yourself are too very different things.

"long nights and cold sweats
beneath sheets of tangled regrets
secrets lie in want of things that once were never meant
but we are we are
we are fools falling over each other
inflicting wounds and walking bandaged
unaware and blind
broken bones and promises
i swore i never would
but later, swore i never meant it
we are fools we are fools
stumbling drunks hoping for more
settling for less
clamoring out of hellish pits
we are blind
we are we are
walking metaphors peeking out between sets of preconceived notions
who are we behind our words
foolish we are
but we are we are
love falls hard on our deaf ears"

i have been on the bus for 8 hours. it will probably take just as long for you to read this. absurd. i love travel time on a team.

stick around.

it is well it is well it is well.

re-engaging the conversation. i am so thankful. literally surrounded by wisdom.

there is a song by david ramirez called stick around and ive listened to it recently.

Gonna hop on that train today
I got nowhere to go
No reason to stay

In four years I’ve traveled 160,000 miles
The wind keeps pulling me out
Maybe I go cause I’m chasing something
Maybe I go, cause something is chasing me
Maybe I leave, cause I have yet to find someone who will look me in the face

Saying, ‘Stick around, I want you next to me, so stick around
There ain’t  no reason for leaving, yeah the road’s been hard boy
But I’ll never bring you down, so come on, stick around…’ “ 

those are most of the lyrics. its the chorus that i love the most. the idea of moving, waiting for someone to ask you to stick around. i move too fast for my own good and bounce from place to place. change doesnt scare me, i love it. moving isnt hard. but sticking around.. that is challenging for me. or has been. or will be. whatever. i love it right now. i am sticking around. i am receiving when my friends ask me to stick around. i am investing and being invested in. i am loved well. i am thankful. this is home. this weird town in north carolina. its a safe place to sort thoughts, and know that you wont be attacked for verbalizing the things you wonder about. 

the songs ive listened to recently are great. acoustic, little bit a folk, and hella deep lyrics. just the way i like em. i am fascinated with the idea of remembering well, but still being present and engaged. God asks us to remember, to live in light of our own reality. light. its funny cause i appreciate the dark too. maybe even feel more comfortable there. i think if you have lived in the night, or still do, you learn to embrace a calm sense of self; maybe a deeper sense of thought. maybe i am liar. it happens. but i like that. i like weathering seasons. i like watching people grasp grace in those times. a good friend of mine is about to be 7 sorts of challenged at school. she is a wildly (ironically) different person than the last time she was at school. i am excited for her, because i know she is resilient and she will be okay. she is a survivor of many things, more than she knows. i have another friend who just ended a serious relationship. i talked to her tonight and literally heard nothing but grace through the receiver. she is wrestling and is the first to admit her wounds. but she chooses to live in light of the work that God is doing instead of giving credit to the devil. so many of the things we experience in life are a work of deep rooted grace, and we so quickly call them the work of the devil. i am hesitant to do that now. 

God is good to me. i am sticking around. i am resting at home, and laughing. i am living free. thinking too much as always, talking too much as well, but laughing just enough and walking with the Lord. sometimes the things i write can be interpreted as dark, but i see so much light in them. maybe that is the maturing process. to see light in the dark. to see both, and watch them grow. 

its too late for me to be awake, but i am thankful. i lie in my bed before i fall asleep and smile to the Lord and say thanks. i watch grace as a spectator and experience it as a human in a relationship with the creator and savior of the universe. i guess when i put it that way, there isnt much of a choice. i thank God when i pray because i dont know what else to do. thanks that little is in my control, thanks that i am healing/healed, thanks that i am learning and that i laugh, thanks that there are some things in my control, and for whatever reason jesus trusts me. thanks that i can see what is worth being thankful for.

receiving.

the fullness of my recent conversations is good to my soul. trust. that word keeps coming and it wont stop. i think it is wise to stop where we are sometimes and evaluate the definitions we keep for words. it reveals where you are in life, and in many ways, what you've experienced (or haven't experienced). we will see how it changes, but for right now, trust is doing something, or engaging someone, knowing that they have the capacity to hurt you (and likelihood), yet knowing deep within you that you will be okay. maybe that has more hope than meriam-webster might use, but its where i am, and for now, its what i know.

i talked to a tired friend today and it was good to my soul. sometimes i like hanging out with people when theyre tired because it reveals their humanity. i think we're also a little more honest when we're tired. not enough energy to crank out a smile if we don't mean it. i like that a lot. we talked about trust, and how a lack of it usually indicates life experience. when i told her how i defined it, she said she could see my life in it, and where i was coming from. i am thankful to be known.

grace and pain often remain intertwined, braided together. who knows. i surely do not.

anyways, receiving. rarely do i ACTUALLY receive anything, whether it be a gift or a compliment. christa and sarah rome and i have a project where if one of us compliments the other one, we are not allowed to say anything but thank you. eye rolling is also prohibited. the conversation will not move forward until thank you is said. it reminds me of learning to love yourself. i dont think the goal is to be head over heels in love with yourself. i think the goal is to be okay with yourself. to know yourself and understand yourself well enough to grasp that you are capable of healing and harm. learn to live there and laugh out the difference. in the same way, im not sure the initial goal is to brand yourself with certain qualities. i think the goal is to first accept them and acknowledge them. to remember that you are capable of being known for those things. to accept them deeply, instead of tossing them out when no one is looking. in talking to sarah today, i realized/acknowledged that i typically dont do the things that i talk about. i make moves in life, yes. but i throw around these weighty things like forgiveness and love and trust, but dont DO them. or accept them for that matter. i am afraid to in many ways. my humanity is inescapable. i talked about slowing down to let things sink in, and in the same hand, slowing down to  let things move out. not moving quickly and avoiding eye contact when someone praises a quality they see in me, or distracting the conversation with a story, and sometimes a laugh. i do laugh often, and i enjoy it, but sometimes my laughter is just a prettier version of a heart-fence. mmmm this is so revealing.

learn to trust that it is okay. silly, but i am afraid of being close to people. of intimacy. through conditioning, a broken pair of glasses, a little habitual thinking, and some compounded experiences, i have grown/deteriorated to believe that closeness always ends in abandonment. i have enough relationships in my life that would speak against that in loud booming voices. i have people who know my life and are committed to the long haul. but there have been damaging relationships and experiences  that reinfected old wounds, and they whisper about my old fears. i hate it, but those are often the voices i listen to. i hate it so much. i am learning a lot, but the Lord is reminding me to trust. to confess and TRUST that on the other side of my voice, the ears that hear will be okay with me. that i will be okay.

i am okay. i know that and believe it. i see fear in my life, but i want to live with bravery and courage. i dont want to get stuck in the potholes of running my mouth and never putting a hand to the plow. i want to work in my life, and equally watch the Lord work because that is sweet too. knowing that both of my hands are equally skilled. i dont want to be weighed down by the things that scare me, i want to face them, to shake them, and to remember them as memories, not as realities.

the Lord is so good to me. here is to a season of learning to receive and to trust.

missed naps.

currently lying in bed with my feet propped up against the wall, praying to drain out some lactic acid. sometimes i forget what it looks like to be an athlete, because i havent been one in so long, and even when i was, i was too physically limited to do most things. but by so much grace, i am essentially working at full capacity. its weird because it has been so long since i could claim that as true.

had my first break today, which should have been filled with a nap but instead had a little bit of restlessness and thoughts. i look forward to this weekend because there will be time to be still and gather some thoughts. i have recently wondered about the fine lines of respect and fear. when i make a decision, is it based on the freedom of respecting someone and trusting them and myself? or is it based on the fear of what will happen if i say no? the latter is typically true in my life, which is usually beneficial for whoever i am following, and typically unfortunate for myself. in this season of transitioning, i still catch myself trying to avoid peoples toes, and ignoring what i feel for the sake of functionality. rarely do i ever give an authentic first response, and when i do its either because im pissed or exhausted. it makes me flighty and fearful in my relationships. even in this post where im attempting to articulate emotions, ive retreated to the functional nature of term paper writing.

boo. ive got loose ends and unresolved things. i am finally far enough removed from a few environments to see how adapted to what i experienced, and sometimes (now) thats a little disheartening. ill work out the difference in due time, but for right now, that dirty trust word is forcing itself into my line of sight. i dont trust well. i am fearful, from old things backed up, and new things compounded. but the reality is, i cannot be fully me or fully present in relationships if i do not trust. here is to trying to trust the Lord to mend broken things.

ramble pants.

its funny to me that these posts look more like my journal. they start with things like, ill write more later. words often said but never meant.

volleyball has started and i love it. the team is good to me and the leadership is so different. i am tired but so excited to practice. i am happy and i laugh. so many contributing factors to that, but i know that one is leadership style. my humanity forces me to wonder what it would have been like if it was always like that. but it stops there because i am thankful for the result of this messy winding process.

currently at work, and its empty here and i love it. i have been so blessed by great conversations recently. sometimes, it is genuinely wiser to keep your own secrets, but sometimes, it is liberating to let them go. to confess and admit wounds and wars. and for that i am thankful. the idea of trust has come up a lot recently, both in conversation and conviction. i dont do it well. i am trying, and learning always. learning what trust means and looks like. a lot of acceptance. acceptance of the reality that the person on the other side will probably hurt you at some point, whether intentionally or not. acceptance that you probably wont have much control of the relationship, regardless of what you would like to think. trust. to know things will be okay in the aftermath, one way or another. trust. another one-syllable loaded word. but i guess at this point in the game, they all are.

i had a conversation with one of my best friends and got to release a secret. it sat caged in my head all summer, and i felt it move around. some things should be guarded in your life and that is okay too. it doesnt mean that you suck or that you're dishonest. sometimes it just means your respectful. at least i hope that was the case. but i am thankful for friends who let me let go. let go and let God. haha christa edwards and sarah rome, over and over again. the peace of confession is beautiful. in its right time. thankful in 16 flavors.

i talked with matthew lineberger in the coffee shop today. he is a great friend and a wise soul. he loves tradition more than oceans and has taught me so much about integrity, respect and honor. we talked about so many things today and it was beautiful. a lot of it was about cultural norms and how vast they are. about how most of our culture does whatever it wants to do because the idea of consequences is now so far removed that life's best teacher is no longer accessible. not always. but many times, we face no consequences for things, so we never learn from them. we never learn responsibility for our actions and choices. but sometimes we do, and those consequences lead to grace and wisdom. my sweetest year of life came after a season of accepting responsibility. after owning the work of my hands. i broke a lot of things. i became someone i swore i would never be. but i was. it was disgusting to me, but i learned. i am capable of great good and great harm. i will accomplish both many times over, for the rest of my life. but i pray that i steward those moments well and learn from them.

we also talked about the gospel and what it means in different regions. here in the western hemisphere, we talked about the gospel in a logical, legal paradigm. we say that Christ has paid our debts, and when we share, the only logical response is to accept it. in the eastern tradition, honor and shame are larger players in that game. and we agreed that neither was right or wrong, but that we would do well to examine them both and appreciate their value. i wonder what our decision making process would be like if we considered the honor and shame attached to the consequence. i am not sure that i am brave enough or wise enough to live in that perspective, but i will certainly see how it shapes me.

i dont always read people well, but a lot of times i can see them for who they are and who they are becoming. i can see the hope in them, the possibility. and i geek out about it. i can see people being on the cusp of things, knowing that they have the capacity to fall down or stand up, but the choice is theirs. the quality that i love to see the most is resilience. it is a beautiful cog in the machine of life. humanity sucks sometimes, but more often than not it is resilient. the mark of maturity (for me at least) is the look in someones eye, and the tone in their voice that says "i have been somewhere and i have survived it". i love it. we are capable of so much more than we realize. if you have gone through crap and life and you are alive to read this, you have not given up the fight yet. we forget that sometimes. that we are usually capable of survival. that something in us continues to fight even when we refuse to. one of life's mysterious gifts. i have a few friends right now who are beginning a journey of pruning and grafting. and thats really painful sometimes. usually. but the rose on the other side is sweet and a little tougher. it brings me joy knowing that there is hope. that no experience we encounter is ever wasted. or at least not so far. who knows. im only 22 which isnt much but ive seen the dredges of life used for good in my character. and thats nice. blah blah blah. word vomit. some of my friends are facing their choices. they are owning the work of their hands. there is so much to be gained from that, including perspective. we are wired for survival. we are built to fight against so many things. there is a song by satellite called ring the bells. the chorus says, at least we live tonight. how sweet those words are. nothing ever hurts us more than love. we will all get hurt if we love the way we should. so much wisdom in my friends and in my company. i am lucky to keep it and to hold it.

love includes trust and acceptance. being vulnerable and believing. we are miserable fools, preaching about these things, but not quite knowing them. knowing them is hard. in the hebrew the word for knowing is "yada". it has 2 meanings. one is to have sex with. i used to giggle at that in class because i was/am immature, but the more i thought about it, the more i understood. the closest you can physically be to any human being is having sex. there is absolutely nothing more intimate. it binds you because thats what physicality does. it is union that is difficult to separate. like wrestling, you know every curve, piece of perfection, and flaw. and you accept those things. the other definition carries the same intensity, but provides a different pictures. it carries the same intimacy and depth. to KNOW something means to be deeply invested, accepting of flaws, and understanding. to believe something to be true. if sarah currie ever read this, she would laugh because so many of my aphorisms are things that she repeated OVER AND OVER again, because i am/was just as stubborn as she probably was. what is life if not to laugh. i gained a lot from her mentorship and for that i am thankful. you should be thankful for it too, cause its good. to know love is hard, regardless of what definition you use. to say that you will be okay on the other side of a wound. thats hard. it is so hard to trust once you have been betrayed. but i guess Jesus did too. the betrayal he faced was brutal. and maybe that is another purpose for the pain. to bind us with the intimacy of Jesus, to walk as he walked, and to rise and he rose. resilience. survival. who knows. knowing. my brain is messy and all over the place but sometimes it leads to unwalked paths, or at least paths that are overgrown from under-use.

i am so thankful for the work that the Lord has done. i am nowhere near perfect and i am okay with that. but i am thankful to know and be known. to be a spectator and player in the processes of my friends. i feel so privileged to walk alongside people as the work out their lives, knowing that we all have something to glean from each other's harvests.

"Find the words that make it right again
Calling birds help you make it through the night
It's just enough to find a way to open up once again
And learn to take all the beauty that's inside

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

Scream out loud
Until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal an achin heart
And those that know you most
Can help you to live again
So keep the close
As you're making your new start

Well ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

The day you finally turn to dust
And finally hear your name
Brings colors that will never fade away
Sometimes the best in all of us
Can still break down and still give up on love
But it's never gone

Well ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight"

youre welcome.

that girl who moved out to california? yep, her music is incredible. and youre welcome.

i love coffee shops and the word.

and making jokes.

one day in north carolina, i will sit at BRCC and type all these bullet points in my mind but i just havent made it there yet.

currently in roswell georgia with my mentor in high school and i love it. my time at home was really sweet, but it reminded me that the more i go home, the less i consider it home. in the deepest of my trenches, my friend kay said that she was making a name for herself. for whatever reason, that phrase led to a turning point. i was going to make a name for myself. my own name, despite reputations i had between friends. i was going to follow the Lord when he allured me into the desert and spoke tenderly to me. i was going to let the Lord do a new thing, and stop trying to piece together the frayed edges of a puzzle that no longer fit together. so thats what i did. i made a name for myself. i lived from the whole of me, not just the expectations others had for me. i stopped trying to become better and instead gave myself the freedom to laugh at myself instead. and its been incredible. hard to get there, but so worth the fight.

being at home is always interesting, regardless of how home is. you spend such a significant portion of your life there and the familiarity is overwhelming. so its not hard to fall back into the same holes at home, even if you didnt have to deal with them at all while away at school. but back to the name thing. i came home and realized that tampa has nothing for me anymore. its not a bad place, its amazing. but i am removed from it and i dont want to go back. it has nothing to do with haunting memories or bitterness, but the honest reality that i am 22 and i have made a name for myself in north carolina. i have established community and i am becoming an adult there. north carolina is home right now, which is weird to say. technically, the beginning and end of every season is a transition period, but ive never felt it to the degree that i do now. i am almost an adult. i pay some of my bills and by this time next year, i will be paying all of them. i live in a house and tomorrow i am buying furniture. i will not have breaks to go home and thats okay too. i am my parents daughter, but i am also now their friend. no longer the DD but sometimes sitting in the stool with them. i know im not old, ive just barely made it past 20. but i also know that my life is different now and i am not drawn to the same things. the party doesnt interest me and the concerts are fun, but i no longer want to fight my way into the crowd, i just want to sit back and enjoy the music. i value porch time more than ever, i make boundaries, and i get up early. and i love it. this new stuff is fun, and i never thought it would be. im still passionate, but it looks so different than it did before. and for that i am thankful too.

the last few days have had some of the most incredible conversations, both with new friends and old mentors. in the last week, ive gotten coffee or lunch with 4 different teachers, all of whom were from middle school or earlier. driving back one day, i realized how blessed i was to have such incredible women in my life. i was a messy kid but i was taken care of by so many people. there have been a few male figures in my life as well, but these women have cared so deeply for me, and are still invested in my life. thursday was probably the coolest though, because my mom came to lunch with me. 2 of my old pe coaches, and my soccer coach, his wife and 2 kids came. it was a really powerful moment to be together with them, 8 years later. we all laughed and no one was older or younger, we were all the same age, making the same jokes. im also thankful that several of these women have pursued higher education. 3 of them are in doctorate programs and i love it. ive had such strong women in my life.

so obviously i think music is powerful and super beautiful. as i drove around tampa, saying goodbye to my town, i had my music cranked and my windows down. the song wounded by third eye blind came on and i smiled and fell back into my seat. the subject of the song is tough, but everything in it and behind makes it so beautiful. its one of my favorites, and when it comes on, i think my skin glows or something, idk. but there is a definitely change in me. i think i like it a lot cause its a crying out song, where you bare your soul in singing, but its not about your personal turmoil, its crying out for a wounded friend. i think about it a lot because i get that. i care deeply for my friends, and when their wounds are deep, something in me gets crazy tender. and protective. i think its good love, so im okay with it. one of my favorite memories from school is anchored in by that song. i used to volunteer with WyldLife, a middle school ministry. one night we were driving back and somehow we all fit in one car. i think spencer was driving, bmote was in there, and julia and amy were in the back seat with me. the song came on, and we realized that all of us knew it, so we turned it up as loud as the car would let us. i know that some of us usually had someone in mind, but even if we didn't, we sang and we meant it. it was such an infinite moment. after the song ended, we all just looked at each other and smiled, knowing that we had shared this crazy powerful  moment together, and that afterwards it would never be the same. i think about that moment a lot and am thankful. those moments when something powerful and inexplicable has happened, and you sink down into yourself, and into the arms of the person next to you, not having words, but mutually knowing that whatever happened was something good. there were several of those moments this summer, usually in worship. when molly hit her note in how great thou art the first week of danville, or when lily got to sing on stage for it is well. when everyone fell asleep in the staff lounge, or when brandon cried and we all surrounded him. such powerful moments. my old sea soul sits with those things and i smile. one of the commandments that happens the most in the bible is to remember. God constantly tells us to remember. the bible exists because we are called to remember, to be reminded of what was, what is, and what is capable of happening. in hebrew, the word for remember is "zakar", and it is my favorite word. in english, the word is flippant, and means to recall from a previous state of forgetting. but in hebrew, it is so much deeper and so much more powerful. it means to acknowledge something in its entirety, and to know it deeply as something true. i love that. so those powerful moments and those still moments are something i remember now. and honestly, it has made all the difference.

we really do serve such a good God. who knows what he is doing. ever. evereverever. but i am thankful for what he does. when life is crazy chaotic around us, the only thing you can do is be thankful. if it is absolute madness and beyond your control, say thanks for that because you are only responsible for what is in your control. you can only do what is in your capacity. but the other side is that the Lord creates out of chaos. in the creation story, the "world" is formless and void, also translated as utter chaos, depending on your lexicon. and the Spirit of the Lord hovered over it. and look at where we are now. the beauty of life was derived from absolute nothingness. our most intimate moments of God are when we have completely surrendered in our darkest moments. so thanks for that too, because if you are in those deep waters of dark, you are on the cusp of transformation. you are the closest to God that you can be, because you are about to be catapulted into utter worship for the Lord. if everything is madness, the Lord is doing something. i do not understand the beast that is grace, but i know that once my boulders were removed from the garden, i was able to run and laugh and not trip. tending the wreckage is so hard, and so confusing, but the sweetness of the roses is immeasurably worth it.

dont know much. laugh a lot. that is my life, and i am thankful. to know that the Lord is near and dear to me. and better yet, i know that i am dear to him. and the power of knowing that is incredible. and close. and im thankful in every language that i know. the lyrics to this song remind me of those quiet moments. which obviously means its on repeat now and will continue to be on repeat for a long time. drown out the lies with truth. this new season is fun, with new friends and old, and i hope and pray that the two will be merged. God is so gracious to me.

"oh you watch me stready, you
watch me with such a quiet sincerity
and you hold me heavy, you
hold me like I was born to be held
and the Iight comes in here, yeah
morning my dear, and the restlessness of arms
and we lie here longing now
words were ours that will never be harm
'cause you are dear to me
yeah you are dear"